


All The Madmen

by ILookDaftWithOneShoe



Series: 'Loki Feison is alive and well and living only in theory' [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Humour blacker than my soul, Identity Issues, Loki Has Issues, Loki likes to examine Tony's issues with a chainsaw, M/M, Major Character Injury, Suicide Attempt, looking at each other's issues, tw:attempted suicide, tw:discussions of suicide, tw:drug use, wow those are depressing tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:28:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 43,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILookDaftWithOneShoe/pseuds/ILookDaftWithOneShoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki Feison is an actor, and according to his image, he's funny and charming and talented. Tony knows him better, of course, and he's more like Satan's evil twin; after what happened last time, Tony wants nothing to do with him.</p><p>But all of a sudden Loki's lost a little bit of his knife-edged facade, and he's telling the truth and seeming introspective for once. And because Tony's never really escaped being Loki's toy when it comes down to it, he's dragged right back in with all the other madmen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't set me free

**Author's Note:**

> So, uh, this is back. I was actually going to delete the series before a comment from AO3 user Slothful changed my mind.
> 
> Meanwhile, read the tags. If you're at all triggered by anything relating to suicide, stay away from this, because among other things Tony and Loki discuss it ridiculously candidly and well, yeah, you can see from the tags why. Also drugs and violence. What can I say; it's that kind of tale.
> 
> Also, not all the chapters will be this long. This one just got away from me.
> 
> I'd recommend the title song, All The Madmen, and the album it's from, The Man Who Sold The World by David Bowie as the music for this piece.

Tony was 100% done. So fucking done.

Beyond done.

He'd been done back when Loki had thrown him down those stairs.

And that had been ages ago.

Now he'd moved past done.

He'd been actually pretty happy with life and whatnot recently. He was sober, he was getting along with the Avengers again and he was at least on speaking terms with Pepper.

And then he'd received a couriered letter.

Two tickets to _1984_ , with the least apologetic apology note he'd ever read.

_Anthony Stark - I'd request your presence at my show, two nights from now, and if you wish to bring a guest you may. Please visit my dressing-room after the show._   
_-LF_

It was almost embarrassing.

And the second he'd read it, he already knew he'd say yes and go there. Because he was just an idiot like that. And Loki knew full well that if he didn't tell Tony why he wanted him to do something, then Tony was always going to do it. His curiosity would always win when Loki was involved.

Though the reviews for _1984_ had been excellent. Loki this, Loki that, genius of the age, blah blah.

Yeah, he was going.

"Whatcha got, Tone?" Clint asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Letter from Loki."

"Well, that can only be a good thing," Clint said sarcastically. "Because you and him have been just _great_ together in the past."

"Yeah, well, I don't trust him now. I'm not going to get sucked into his shit. Actually, there's two tickets; come with me and make sure I don't do anything stupid."

"It'll take a lot more than just me. I'm just one man; I can't hold back a tide of that much stupid, especially when that dumbass actor's around."

"Shut it," Tony said irritably. "Are you coming or not?"

"Yeah, why not."

And so Tony made yet another Loki-based stupid decision. It had been that simple; after all, there always had been something that dragged Tony towards Loki like a magnet.

-O.O-

"Shit, your boy can sing!" Clint said loudly over Loki's voice.

 _"Someone to fool us, someone like you - we want you, Big Brother!"_ Loki sang, his voice filling the Belasco theatre with ease, backed by other vocalists.

"Yeah, if he didn't smoke like a bushfire he could go into opera," Tony said disinterestedly.

"I bet kissing him's like licking an ashtray, then. Not sure where the appeal is," Clint said.

"For one, don't start thinking about kissing Loki, it's a slippery slope. Two, he tastes like cigarettes, party pills, and immorality."

"Sounds healthy."

"Merida, why did I come here?" Tony asked.

"If I knew that, the world would be a very different place," Clint shrugged.

Throughout the show, Loki had been the consummate professional and hadn't glanced Tony's way once, though he almost certainly knew he was there.

It was after he'd given a smooth, low bow with the other performers that he finally looked at Tony and winked.

The girl in the box next to Tony's clearly thought he was winking at her, because she made a breathy noise.

Tony did not react that way. He didn't react in any way. Instead, he stayed stony-faced and continued to talk to Clint.

 _There! I don't always play your games!_ Tony thought triumphantly. Unfortunately this juvenile victory was lessened by the fact he immediately worried about offending Loki afterwards.

As everyone left the theatre, Tony and Clint made their way backstage, where they were stopped by a guard.

Loki told him that Tony was allowed through and no one else.

 _'If you wish to bring a guest you may'_. Another big fat lie from Loki, especially to mess Tony around, but as it happened, Tony hadn't been that keen on meeting with Loki in front of Clint anyway. Clint just ... wouldn't understand it. Wouldn't understand how Tony could be so ensnared by Loki of all people.

And so, regrettably, Tony told Clint to take the hint and go home. Tony would get a taxi.

-O.O-

Tony knocked on Loki's dressing room door.

"Come in," that familiar voice said.

Knowing full well it was a bad idea, Tony twisted the knob and entered the room to find Loki with his feet up on the bench and his nose in a book. "Stark," he murmured by way of greeting.

"Feison," Tony replied, taking a seat.

"So _formal,"_ Loki said dryly. "You'd think we'd never met."

"You always call me by my last name," Tony pointed out.

"I'm a man of double standards," Loki shrugged, finally putting his book down and turning to look at him.

"I've noticed," Tony said disinterestedly before doing a double-take. "Shit, you look different."

And he did. Tony had - willingly or unwilling - spent more time than was perhaps normal studying Loki's face for subtle nuances, and something looked changed, though Tony couldn't identify what for the life of him.

"Darcy mentioned the same thing," Loki acknowledged. "I believe it's the effect of being sober for twenty-four days."

"Well done. What of?" Tony asked. "I can smell cig smoke, so it's not that."

"Pills. I've been using them weekly if not daily for the last several years, so being without them has changed a few details of my life. For one, I regularly sleep more than four hours a night."

"That would do it," Tony conceeded. He did have to admit, a bit of the harshness of the sharp edges of Loki's face had softened, and he didn't look as overstimulated as he had on some occasions in the past. At the number of parties Tony had gone to with him, Loki had occasionally been borderline insensible. "Is this you starting a clean life?"

"The woman who usually supplies me is on holiday in the Falkland Isles and I cannot for the life of me remember her name, so I couldn't ask for a direct link to wherever she sources her various products from," Loki said. "It's a true tragedy, but I haven't been out enough to be offered them by a prole, and I'm too lazy to actively seek them."

Small talk. After everything, when Tony very much wanted to know what was going on, they were small talking. "Fuck this, Loki," he blurted.

"Pardon?" Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not your friend, Loki," Tony said exasperatedly. "This isn't a fucking social visit. I came because you asked and I was curious. Tell me what you want and then I'm going."

Tony didn't know what he expected, really. But instead of anything he'd been expecting, Loki nodded to himself, then murmured tiredly "Darcy said I had to."

"What?"

"Darcy said I was lonely and needed a friend. I don't have any games today. Which is a pity, but I'm sincerely not trying to fuck you over."

"That's new."

"I am aware," Loki said irritably.

There was silence for a minute or two, in which Loki stared aimlessly in thought and Tony felt uncomfortable. On some stupid level, he cared about Loki, more than anyone else in the world - that irrepressible, fucked up genius without a cause - but he hated him too and was currently replaying the images in his head over and over of when Loki had grabbed him like he weighed nothing and launched him bodily down those stairs at the Belasco.

"Friendship is highly overrated," Loki said after some time pondering.

"We're in a room together. This isn't friendship."

"This is longer than I tolerate with most."

"And there's your problem. People who're antisocial aren't social, Loki, it's the meaning of the word. You're hugely antisocial, therefore you have no friends."

"I have Darcy," Loki said, his voice verging on an uncharacteristic pout.

"Who you verbally abuse on a regular basis," Tony added.

"It doesn't _matter,_ Stark. I'm making an effort," Loki sighed, before changing the subject. "I'm returning to England after the run of this show."

"What, for good?"

"Temporarily. To visit my biological father."

Tony's eyes narrowed. "I thought you didn't know him."

"That, my tiny billionaire, is called a _lie_. I've been responsible for quite a few in my time," Loki said, all casual disdain.

Then he turned boredly away from Tony to put a cigarette between his teeth and light it with a match procured from the day clothing he'd changed into before Tony's arrival.

"Doesn't the theatre mind you smoking in their dressing room?" Tony asked.

"The man who cleans out and monitors the dressing rooms and I have an arrangement," Loki shrugged, before blowing a smoke ring and looking at Tony. "I can see you thinking about it, so yes, it is a sex thing."

"The show's been on for five days."

"And I've been smoking in here for three, to my delight."

There was another quiet moment, in which Loki filled the room with semi-toxic smoke and looked at Tony expectantly.

It took him a little while to crack. "Okay. Fine. I'll bite. Why didn't you tell me you knew your father?"

"Because, amongst other things, he's a rather unsavoury character, and there's a morality tale that was told during my childhood about him. Also, the abandoned orphan is a far more sympathetic look."

"Your father's not a nice person. What a shock horror," Tony said dryly. "I'm glad he didn't pass it on to his son."

"Kindly go fuck yourself, Stark," Loki said.

It was slightly uncharacteristic of Loki to so bluntly insult him; normally it was veiled attacks. But Loki had been acting ever so slightly off the whole time Tony had been speaking to him. It was hard to identify exactly what, but it was definitely something.  
Again, silence. Loki wanted Tony to ask the questions.

"Morality tale?" Tony asked. "Like, Hansel and Gretel?"

"More _Bloody Mary_ ," Loki admitted.

Silence.

"Stop doing the expectant quiet thing!" Tony said irritably. "I'll bite, I'm biting, I've bitten; just tell me why the fuck your dad is the big bad wolf."

"If you insist," Loki hummed, turning away from Tony slightly to put his feet back up on his bench. "I told Darcy this story once. Apart from her, you're the only person."

"Why are you telling me, then?" Tony asked. He would be touched by the gesture if he wasn't so openly suspicious of it.

"There's something I want you to understand," Loki said, slightly less cavalier and slightly less confident. Just for once, he sounded honest.

"...Okay. I'm all ears," Tony said. Oh, he knew he could regret this.

Loki stabbed the cigarette into an ashtray on the bench. Tony idly noted that it was from War Horse and Loki had - unconsciously or consciously - just burned the cig out on a picture of his own face. Then the actor rubbed over his face, steeled himself, and started to talk.

"Once upon a time, there was a woman named Nal - Nellie - Laufeysson," Loki began, sounding tired and serious and nothing like his usual over-the-top, rushing river current manner. "She worked as an assistant for politician Odin Burison, and was friends with his wife. On one particular night in July, she was partying at her friend's cousin's uncle-in-law's or whoever's home, and when she became particularly inebriated, went to sleep on an upstairs bed. Where she was tragically assaulted by a friend of a friend of a friend or whoever the illegal immigrant of which very little is known, Farbauti Ymirsbarn - my father - was to her. None of this is especially important, but it does provide background information, I suppose."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Your mother got _raped_ and it's not 'especially important'?" Tony said in disbelief.

"It was 33 years ago," Loki shrugged. "And I recall nothing of my mother. I'm not going to get upset about it. Are you done? I wish to continue."

Again, Tony just conceeded to letting him talk.

"In any case, a few weeks later Nal did feel twingey and unwell and went to see a doctor, who told her she was, of all things, pregnant. I know this because she confided in her employer's wife, Frigga, later my adopted mother. When young Lucas Laufeysson was born, well, Nal had already decided she wouldn't stand the sight of the loathesome little brat - knowing where he'd come from - and was offering him for adoption. Six weeks after the baby's birth, and the one person who'd displayed an interest had been arrested for paedophilia or something of the suchlike."

 _The baby. Lucas Laufeysson. Loathesome little brat._ Tony was a little disconcerted by how Loki was referring to himself as a different person.

"And here we reach the important part," Loki went on. "Farbauti, through methods unknown to me at this time, discovered he had a son and that this son was being rejected by the woman he recognised from something not-so-good he'd done the year earlier. Most rape goes unreported, you know, and no one had ever blinked an eye at Farbauti. He arrived at her flat one day while Lucas was sleeping and said that if Nal did not want him, then _he_ would rather like the child - it was his, after all. Nal was terrified and refused him. I'm not certain how it got out of hand to this extent, but in due course she was dead and he was contemplating killing Lucas or taking him. Again, details are hazy, but he left the baby behind and attempted to burn the flat building to destroy the evidence - combustion was incomplete and the building and baby survived, though the child was a little sickly from the smoke for some time after. Owing to the fire department and police being called so quickly, Farbauti was caught red-handed. Literally. According to the report, Nal's blood was still on his hands. He half-strangled her and then cut her throat."

An eloquent "Holy shit" was all Tony managed.

"Try not to overreact, Stark. It's distracting. Anyway, Farbauti pleaded insanity, Odin and Frigga adopted Luke, and they all lived happily ever after," Loki said in a final tone. "Wait, no. Luke inherited his father's _issues_ and lived to be, in the words of one Anthony Edward Stark, son of Howard Stark, 'not a nice person'."

"Holy shit," Tony repeated, a little quieter. "Wait, no, you have the expectant face on. What happened after Lucas was adopted, Loki?"

"Lucas grew up much smarter and with a far greater capability for rational thought than the other children. He was skilled at getting what he wanted and was going to go far in life, despite completely untrue reports of bullying; Lucas maintained that he was correcting behaviour and running experiments," Loki's smile was ironic and mildly nostalgic. "However, when Lucas was nine, a psychology student was permitted to interview him for her paper on inherited psychopathic traits and diagnosed him - correctly, but prematurely, it must be said - with a similar degree of psychopathy as his father, the incarcerated Mr Ymirsbarn."

"Ouch."

"Immediately, Frigga and Odin panicked, assuming the boy was about to rape, slaughter and torch someone at the tender age of nine. Frigga began to coddle the boy. Odin simply chose to ignore him and lavish attention on the other child of the family, Thor Burison."

Judging by whatever flickered across Loki's aquiline features and the way in which he'd finally told Tony his brother's name, Loki wasn't fond of him.

Loki's green eyes looked Tony's face over. "My main issue with Thor is that he has the approximate intelligence of a brick and is around as understanding of sensitive issues."

 _Oh god, he can_ still _read minds,_ Tony thought. "That doesn't sound too bad, though. Nice to have siblings."

"There is more, but this is about proving my point, not reminding myself of conflicts past. Continuing on. Lucas was involved in a number of minor incidents that seemed to reinforce his parents' opinion - such as that unfortunate incident with a neighbourhood squirrel and half-blinding a pair of girls with a magnesium flare, both of which were accidents - and after the latter, he overheard an argument between his 'parents' over how they must still treat him as their son despite his hideous gaping flaws. The knowledge that Lucas did not belong and that he had not imagined his parents' changed behaviour towards him was enough for him to renounce any connection he had with them, informally change his name, and eventually leave for university. Where he realised he had many previously untapped talents, was renowned as a genius, became an actor, et cetra, had many successes and currently sits before you in a decidedly low mood," Loki said.

 _Did he take a breath through all of that?_ Tony thought. "That, uh, that explains a lot about you."

"How much?" Loki asked.

"Actually...not much about you as a person. Lots about your history. But you're not exactly an open book mentally. You could be thinking about killing nuns or about hugging puppies and kittens right now; I can't tell."

"Mm, good to know. I'm an enigma to your vastly unexperienced eyes."

"I can read people. You're not people. You don't have a soul."

Loki's brows furrowed. "Are you familiar with the concept of Nature vs. Nuture?"

"A little, yeah. Why?"

"Which would you say is responsible for my occasional personality disagreements?" Loki asked, and shit, he looked so serious. So different from the Loki that Tony had known just over two months ago, who couldn't be called serious in any way. In fact, this was the first honest lengthy conversation they'd had, and the first about Loki's past.

Tony had to think about that question. Yes, Loki was by nature a great big bag of crazy - he had no concept of caring for other people and was disturbingly unemotional. But he'd made some terrible choices and he'd been in an environment that hadn't helped in many ways.

"Both," Tony shrugged. "Neither. Shit, I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. You said there was a point to your story - what was it?"

"It is threefold - firstly, to occupy time until Darcy drops in here to visit before she returns to her hotel. She demands I make amends with you."

"Which you haven't done," Tony pointed out.

"Which I have not done," Loki agreed. "Secondly, the moral was simple; don't get drunk and fall asleep at parties."

"It wasn't her fault!" Tony protested.

"She allowed it through inaction."

"She didn't fucking _ask_ for it! For any of it!"

Loki looked bored with the discussion, lighting another cigarette. "Yes, I was a tragic leftover of a horrific incident or something. I don't give a fuck. My third point was that the debate of nature and nurture is a lot more complicated than is traditionally given credit. Am I an incurable demon, damned by faulty genetics, or am I simply standing in the dark with potential to move into the light?"

 _This is philosophical. Also self-deprecating._ For the first time, Loki was notably acknowledging that his actions were not good. Tony wondered vaguely what was causing this new, maybe-improved Loki. Probably nothing positive.

"You know, Loki, that doesn't sound like the kind of question I can answer. Ask a Magic 8-Ball," Tony sighed. He was getting sick of Loki's decidedly changeable mood, his _weirdness_ , and of the incredibly thick layer of cigarette smoke hanging over the room by this point.

Loki's reply - which, judging by the look forming on his face, would not be polite and would involve the word 'fuck' at least once - was cut off by a knock at the door.

"Cleaner," a male voice said.

"Come in," Loki said, a little smirk curling across his face.

Tony did have to admit the man that entered with a cleaning cart and Hoover was fairly attractive - young and handsome - though he knew full well that Loki's interests lay in what he was getting out of a clandestine relationship with a cleaner rather than the relationship itself.

Using the excuse of the vacuum cleaner noise, Loki ignored Tony, leaning back in his chair to continue with his book and shoot glances at the cleaner's ass.

Tony did not understand. Loki had told him a huge amount of personal information, apparently to kill time, which didn't make sense because Loki was a skilled conversationalist and could continue even the weakest topic - he'd spent about half an hour at a party talking to Tony about mocktails. And he'd been very, very interested in Tony's opinion of him, which was beyond uncharacteristic.

After the cleaner had vacuumed the floor, wiped the bench, packed a few things away and (to Tony's slight discomfort) exchanged a few unintelligible but clearly salacious sentences in an undertone with Loki, he sprayed a futile dose of air freshener and left.

"Is this you on some weird road to self-improvement and redemption? Because the whole _standing in the dark with ability to shift into light_ bit did sound like you were considering it," Tony said once the door had closed. "I gotta say, Loki, I can't see it happening."

Loki's face darkened for a moment and Tony's heart skipped a stair-throwing beat before he blanked his face again and said "I have no regrets for any past actions. However, as Darcy pointed out, this is not the most balanced way to live, what with the fact most of my associates either hate me or don't know me. I was considering lightening up a little on the casual cruelty."

"I think you're irredemable if you have to _consider_ 'lightening up on the cruelty'," Tony pointed out. Then he came back to the question he'd been asking all night. "Look, Loki. You don't have to do what Darcy tells you, so why did you invite me here? Why am I here?"

"You're here because not only are you grotesquely curious about me and my life, but also I have you wrapped around my little finger and you secretly fear disappointing me."

Tony couldn't answer that, not really, so Loki went on. "This fear is born of the fact you see similarities between your old lifestyle and my current one, and you believe that if you disappoint me you will finally have said goodbye to your party-based ways and grown up, as it were."

Having finished his disturbingly accurate and cutting monologue, Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony.

Tony hated his expectant face. "That's not true, and also not what I meant, as you know. Why did you give into Darcy and invite me here?"

Loki waved his hands vaguely. "This reason and that reason. It's irrelevant."

He was avoiding the question, and it was almost insulting how bluntly he was doing it.

"Let's do the thing you do. You're avoiding answering the question, bluntly, because you don't want to answer it - therefore, the reason is something you don't want to talk about. You don't like to show connection to other people and you don't like to show weakness, including sentiment. But you're pretty open about being bored or angry or horny or interested in jerking me around. So. You're lonely or unhappy or even worse, you actually _like_ me," Tony said triumphantly.

The corners of Loki's mouth quirked up. "The issue with you making all these statements is that I like to think I don't tend to give away answers accidentally," he said coyly. "But it is very satisfying to see you try and think like I do."

The cold shudder that wracked Tony at the thought of thinking like Loki was interrupted by another knock at the door. This person, however, did not bother to introduce themselves and marched in.

"Tony! You actually did come! I thought you might tell Loki to shove it," Darcy said cheerily. Tony noted that her hair had been cut short and businesslike for the show and her full cheekbones and lips were dulled a little by makeup. But she still looked bright and energetic. Somehow she managed to look the opposite of Loki in so many ways.

"Nope. We're having a lovely chat and enjoying the fresh air," Tony said dryly, before breaking into a smile. "It's good to see you."

"Hello too, Darcy," Loki said with a quirky little smile.

"Yeah, hi, Loki. Turn on the fan; it's horrible in here," Darcy said, a little more seriously. "I actually dropped in to talk to Tony; I don't have long."

Loki looked a little put out. "Not basking in my pleasant company this evening?"

"When you're pleasant company, I'll bask in it. Tony, a word...? I'll give you back to Loki in minute."

Without a moment's hesitation, Tony followed Darcy out of the door and down the corridor so Loki couldn't hear them. He liked Darcy rather a lot and they'd spoken on a number of occasions since the auditions for _1984_. She was the kind of person who liked excitedly texting people at 3am, and Tony was the kind of person who was awake at 3am to reply, so it worked.

"I'm sorry for dragging you into this, Tony," Darcy said, looking tired. "I mean, you probably never wanted to see Loki again. But he's just...I can't explain it, but he's not okay."

"I have no idea what it is, but I can't not agree," Tony frowned.

"This might not be the most politically correct thing I've ever said, but I hope the dumb bitch that gives him his drugs gets back soon," Darcy said harshly.

"What, you think the weird is just because he hasn't taken any pep pills?" Tony asked.

"I think that when you take a drug - or class of drugs or whatever - fairly often for fifteen years or so, even if it's not addictive, you go funny. Loki's used to having the stuff in his system. You knew Loki for what, two weeks? I've known him for years and his mood fluctuates, but this is the longest he's ever spent all mopey and sleepy and introspective. I'm his only friend, if you can call me that, and he's just been intolerable," Darcy looked so exhausted as she ran her fingers through her hair that Tony gently put his hand on his shoulder. She smiled weakly and said "I should just leave. I know I should. I'd be healthier if I did. But you know what it's like with Loki."

And Tony did. You didn't just get away from Loki - he was compelling and interesting in all the wrong ways, and inescapable in a roundabout fashion. Kind of like gravity. Darcy had been stuck with the guy for years, now. Hell, so had everyone. It was rather parasitic.

But with the pills - Tony hadn't even known Loki took them that often, but evidently they were an almost daily thing. Darcy fully accepted that - hey, she lived with Hollywood types, no doubt she'd seen worse - but Tony found it startling.

"I very much do and I still think you at least need a holiday," Tony shrugged.

"I'm getting one," Darcy admitted. "Loki's somehow got the idea in his head I'm going with him to England. I'm definitely not. At the moment, I'm heading to Hawaii with my new beau. Loki also doesn't know about him, because Loki gets weirdly jealous sometimes and I'm already sick of him without that."

"Loki gets jealous? Congrats on finding a guy; but seriously, Loki?"

"Sort of. I'm not sure what he does; I mean, it's Loki, so he doesn't do things conventionally. But he's fond of pointing out basic flaws in anyone I so much as smile at. Though that could just be him."

Tony actually found the thought of Loki being over-protective over someone who could technically be called his ex-girlfriend when Loki was Loki rather funny, and his grin as he said "Probably just him, but who knows? Maybe he _likes_ you. As in the schoolyard boy likes girl."

Darcy snorted. "The only person Loki likes is himself. And from the things he's been saying recently, I think he's fallen out of his own favour too."

"He said something about redeeming himself."

Darcy just snorted again. "He's got a lot of work to do."

"That's what I said. He looked angry. But the world doesn't revolve around Loki and we should stop talking like it does. Why did you get him to invite me here? He won't give me a straight answer," Tony said.

"You know in movies, where the really smart guy spends so much time in his own company that he starts going loopy?" Darcy asked, and when she received a cautious nod, "Loki seems a bit loopy to me. Like he's been thinking _way_ too much. And he's so lonely. As it turns out, without the pills, he completely lacks any will to socialise. But loneliness isn't a good look on him. So I thought he could kill two birds with one stone, apologising to you and making a friend. It was a long shot."

"But he didn't have to do invite me just because you said so," Tony pointed out.

"I don't know why he agreed either. If you ever figure out Loki's motivations for anything, please write them down straight away and send'em to me, 'cause I'd love to know too."

"Maybe he's got an instruction manual and it got burned in the fire when he was a baby," Tony joked, knowing it was in poor taste and going for it anyway.

"I'm not sure if that joke fell on the 'okay' side of the moral line, but I'm laughing at it anyway because I'm stressed," Darcy grinned. "Fuck this. Fuck all of it. If I hadn't met him everything would be easier."

"Said everyone who's ever met him. Thanks, Darcy, I respect what you're doing here. I'll keep an eye on Loki. As much as I can, I suppose. I'm not his nanny. How's the show going?"

"Great. I'm loving this - I wasn't expecting to get the main role, but here we are! And despite his off-stage oddities, Loki's been surpassing himself as Winston. His voice gets better and better, I reckon, even though he smokes so much. Seriously, you see the reviews? One of them was something like 'Lewis and Feison come together in a perfect piece of skillful acting to properly highlight the screenwriting of-' I can't remember who, but anyway, good things," Darcy chirped.

Tony smiled along with her, admiring her spirit. "Hey, were the sex scenes awkward?" He asked, remembering the well-choreographed miming on stage.

"Second week of practice, we're into sex scenes. Loki leaps right into it, figuratively. I feel violated by everything. I'm nearly over it now. I mean, I've done the stuff like that before and it's more mime than anything on stage, kids there and all that, but it's _Loki."_

Tony made a face at her and laughed.

They talked shop for a while more - Darcy was, despite Loki, going through a high point in life, with a new boyfriend, a successful show and a nice apartment in NY until the show finished in eleven weeks. Tony told her she should come to the Tower to meet the Avengers sometime, and she got even more excited at that.

Before long, though, Darcy's yawns were becoming more frequent - it was pretty late - and Tony realised he'd left Loki alone for ages.

After Darcy shuffled off, humming a song she and Loki had sung together, Tony knocked back on Loki's door.

Loki didn't answer, so Tony opened up after knocking and waiting again.

The actor was actually asleep - to Tony's surprise, considering Loki really wasn't a sleeper type - with his feet back up on the bench and his book on his chest.

Tony reached over to gently touch his shoulder and wake him. For whatever reason, his brain was shrieking at him to keep away, but regardless Tony was an inch from touching Loki when those bold green eyes snapped open.

"Stark. I thought you had left," Loki said, voice slightly slurry from sleep.

"Uh, nope. My talk with Darcy went on for a while. Sorry," Tony said. "I'll 'fuck off', as you would put it, if you're going to sleep."

"No, I don't live here. They do pay the lead actor a little more than that," Loki shrugged, getting to his feet and gathering a few things. "I was waiting for you. It just wouldn't do if you were locked in here."

"So kind," Tony said dryly. "You know, you're all heart, Feison. Whatever would I do without you."

"Perish tragically, no doubt," Loki said, just as dry, leading the way from the dressing room and down the hall, tailed by the inventor.

After a short time walking in silence, Loki led them into the carpark. "Your companion took your car, did he not?" Loki asked.

"Uh, yeah. But I'd rather call my chaffeur than bother you."

"You're more than welcome to come with me," Loki said, the little smirky twist to his mouth making it very clear what he meant.

"What about your dressing room buddy?" Tony asked. However, he'd resolutely decided that sex with Loki - despite how attractive Tony still found him - was beyond a terrible idea.

"I'm not in a relationship with that dull man," Loki said with a little mock-shudder. "It's more of a favour for favour operation."

"You really are a romantic at heart," Tony remarked. "Not a chance, Loki. I'd rather have someone who's just a pretty face."

"Mm. Suit yourself," Loki said, making his way to his car. "I'll be seeing you."

 _Will you?_ Tony thought.


	2. It's such a long way down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's beginning to question a lot of things. Mostly Loki's sanity. And his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late - my internet has been disconnected. I'm quickly nicking wifi to put this up, but sorry for not replying to your beautiful comments or anything. I should have wifi again soon, so bear with me.

Tony had the oddest feeling that Loki was going to spring out of a goddamn cupboard or something after that parting line. It made him uncomfortable, imagining Loki's spidery limbs stuffed into his furniture.

But it didn't happen.

Tony heard nothing from Loki for eight weeks. Not a peep, unless entertainment news raving about how his ass looked in that slim-cut suit counted as a form of communication.

The Avengers on the whole were certain that Tony was finally cracking up after he watched the entire segment about Loki's wardrobe and studied it for secret messages.

"'I'll be seeing you,' he said," Tony had frowned as Bruce brought him a sandwich. "When? When the fuck is he going to suddenly divebomb my existence?"

"I don't know, Tony, but I think you need to get some sleep," Steve had sighed, already done with any mentions of Loki. He sounded like an awful person, and Clint could verify he was at least a little twisted.

But eight weeks and two days after Tony had gone to the Belasco again, JARVIS alerted him he had a guest.

And Tony knew, by a funny prickling on the back of his neck, that it was Loki.

He was dead right. When he got to the Avengers communal living room, Loki was lying on his back on the couch examining his fingernails and grinning as Steve uncomfortably made conversation with him.

"Loki, leave him alone," Tony warned.

Loki mock-pouted. "Well, hello to you too, sweetheart. Captain Rogers and I were just discussing the extended history and psychology of homosexuality in the military forces. The Greeks were rather enthusiastic on the subject. Achilles and Patroclus come to mind."

"The movie said they were cousins," Tony said, gesturing for Loki to get his ass off the couch and into Tony's elevator.

"The movie was a gross misshaping of the book," Loki countered. "Farewell, Rogers. Consider what I told you."

As soon as they were in the elevator, Loki snickered and said "If Rogers was not getting it from Barnes, then his stories take platonicism a little far."

"Oh god, leave him alone. Don't get your corrupting feelers into him."

"Me? Never."

"Cut the crap, Loki," Tony said abruptly, much like at their last meeting. "It's been two months. Why are you here?"

Loki didn't look at him and instead did the funny little acknowledging hum he did, just a little "Mm," that usually preceeded him saying something, but he didn't speak a word.

"Fine. Whatever. How's the drugs situation?" Tony asked, remembering Darcy talking about their effect on him.

"My compatriot returned from the Falklands, but I've decided to cut down on them anyway," Loki said smoothly, sweeping from the elevator into Tony's penthouse.

Loki was a master at changing the subject. The fact he hadn't without Tony's help meant that he was still off.

"Congratulations, I guess. I wish you luck. Hold on, I'm getting a drink," Tony said, scooping a glass and pouring himself a double shot of whiskey. He was probably going to need it.

Uninvited, Loki wandered out onto the balcony, lighting a cigarette and walking to the railing.

Once Tony joined him, Loki looked over the edge and murmured "It's such a long way down."

"Uh, yep. Apparently tall buildings are a phallic symbol, so according to that I like to live in one of the tallest, fanciest dicks in town," Tony said awkwardly.

Loki actually cracked a grin at that. "Depending on your sources, anything from neckties to iPods are phallic symbols. Humanity is ruled by it, according to the work of a 'professional' who shall remain unnamed."

"iPods? Really? I knew Apple was up to something," Tony snorted.

There was a surprisingly companionable moment of silence as Tony tried to figure out exactly what was going on. He'd nailed Loki's motives for wanting his company down to loneliness, sadness or liking Tony.

Sadness and affection didn't seem like Loki, but it had to be said that he was always alone, so Tony had to assume- "Oh my god," Tony blurted. "You're lonely."

Loki frowned. "I'm not lonely."

"You've got a new job in a new town," Tony said. "Darcy has other friends and you haven't been sociable recently, so you're drawing back to the one person who - because he's taken a hard hit to the head or something - won't turn you away."

"You do seem a little challenged."

"Admit it, Loki. You're lonely. There's nothing wrong with being lonely. No man is an island and other quotes."

Loki half-smiled crookedly. It made him look a bit mad. "Listening to you try to psychoanalyse me is better than sex."

Which is when Tony realised that he was talking like Loki and immediately made a face.

"Okay, Loki, you're lonely and you've found some company. What do you want to do?" Tony said.

"Read, smoke and sleep," Loki shrugged.

"None of those involve other people."

"I have no objection to being alone, Stark, I simply do not like _feeling_ alone," Loki explained. "Your slightly inane company is enough."

Tony rolled his eyes heavily and walked back inside. Inane was not something Loki could call him and still stay with him.

It only took two minutes before Loki followed him. Without looking up from the bar, where he was reviewing some plans Pepper had sent him, Tony held out his only ashtray in his general direction. He was really starting to loathe the smell of cigarettes.

Reluctantly, Loki stubbed it out and took a seat next to him, looking over Tony's shoulder.

"Using the arc reactor's excess heat to generate power would reduce exhaust," Loki murmured after a quiet minute.

"What?" Tony said in shock.

Loki tapped a part of the plan. "The arc's excess heat is currently being vented from the exhaust pipe, unfortunately with traces of the arc's secretion. Recapturing both substances would make it more efficient."

"Shit, you're right," Tony said disbelievingly, looking over the plans for his arc-powered car. "One, how'd I miss that, and two, how'd you not miss that?"

"I'm not a complete moron," Loki said, again with that crooked smile.

"Are you saying I am?" Tony said.

"It was more of an implication," Loki replied, but his smile was more teasing than malicious and it actually improved Tony's mood.

"I'll need to call Pepper about that later. Thanks, I think," Tony said.

Loki's smile deepened, and _there._ Evil grin instead of joking. "And how is Miss Potts?"

Tony made a rude hand gesture. "Talking to me. At best." Which was when he remembered that talking to Loki was a self-destructive and bad idea.

"You're currently considering throwing me out, because you're vividly recalling exactly why Miss Potts is not on good terms with you," Loki surmised. "But you're also curious as to how I noted the issue with the arc vehicle."

 _Fuck off out of my head!_ Tony thought.

"No, I'm quite content in here," Loki replied, and when Tony flinched he laughed. "A fair guess at what you were thinking, by the looks of things."

"Have you been tested?" Tony asked.

"Yes, and somehow I have managed to avoid AIDS after all this time," Loki commented, sounding a little surprised by the question.

"No. For the mutant gene. You might be a low-level telepath," Tony said, surprisingly seriously.

Loki snorted. "I very much doubt that."

"It would explain a lot," Tony shrugged.

"It would explain nothing. My skills are just that; skills gleaned from psychology training and a childhood in which I lacked an intuitive understanding of other people," Loki countered. "You want a rational explanation for the fact that you've finally met someone who might outthink you."

Shit, Loki was smart, and for some reason Tony kind of wanted to make out with him right now. Which was yet another bad idea.

"You could try using your powers for good and not evil," Tony said. "I could use an assistant."

"If anything, you could be my assistant," Loki smirked. "You're coming along nicely, so far. What was that you were saying about a new career in a new town?"

"A new job. And I'm nothing like you."

"Mm. I seem to recall the reason you and I became so close in the past was because of the enormous similarities you drew between us," Loki replied smoothly.

"Annnnnd then I strangled you, punched you in the face and nearly drowned you, and you threw me down a flight of stairs, kneed me in the kidney - which made me piss blood the next day, thanks - and wrecked my life," Tony said. "I think I'm entitled to have an epiphany during all of that."

"'A kiss with a fist is better than none'," Loki quoted.

"Did you just make a pop culture reference? Whatever. I don't want punching kisses or normal kisses from you, big guy."

As Tony watched, Loki did something with his face. He wasn't sure what but Loki seemed a hell of a lot more attractive now - turning on the smoulder, as it were.

"Stop it. Stop looking at me like that," Tony growled.

"Like what?" Loki purred, dropping his voice slightly lower so Tony could feel it vibrating around his body. It settled somewhere low in his abdomen.

"Fuck off," Tony said, slumping face-down on the plans.

Loki leaned down to murmur to Tony; his lips were next to Tony's ear and _can you not._ "Pardon the easy joke, but _fucking on_ is probably a smarter idea."

And then just as Tony's willpower was wilting like a dead plant, Loki drew himself to his feet and said "I thank you, Stark; you've given me much to think about. Which was my intention."

"What?! What have I given you to think about?!" Tony sat up suddenly, glaring at Loki. "I haven't done anything or told you anything! What the hell is going on with you? You've been all weird - weirder than usual - the last two times I've seen you!"

Loki's face did that distinctive darkening thing - he could probably patent his unique expressions - before he went to leave. Tony definitely heard him mumble to himself "Nothing's going on. You're fine," as he entered the elevator.

And Tony knew that something was very, very wrong.

-O.O-

"I'm sorry about Loki," Tony sighed to Steve. "He likes making people feel uncomfortable. Also, he seems to have started his own foundation for the promotion of bisexuality. And buttfuckery, which isn't a word but if it was Loki would use it."

"Um," Steve replied. "It's fine, really. I was just a little surprised."

"Loki can smell fear," Tony said in a secretive tone. "Ask Clint."

"I don't know anything about the guy, 'cept that he can sing well and he's a dick," Clint commented from the kitchen.

"He's interesting," Natasha said thoughtfully. "I saw him for twelve minutes. Already, I know he is not one I would like to cross."

"You'd probably kick his ass, Nat," Tony said with a smirk at the thought. "But he's a _hell_ of a lot stronger than he looks."

Bruce had been sitting quietly throughout this, until he said "Tony, whatever's going on with him, just remember your wellbeing comes first. Don't let yourself get hurt again."

Which, really, was good and sensible advice.


	3. They send my friends away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony just can't say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I like this chapter, but have it anyway, haha.

Again, nothing. Loki's idea of staying in touch evidently involved Loki calling Tony unexpectedly when he felt like he needed something from him.

Another two weeks passed. It had now been ten weeks since Tony had received the note invite to the Belasco, and nineteen weeks since the short period of time it had taken Loki to destroy Tony's existence.

He took Pepper out for coffee, which was how it started. She actually smiled in his presence. Tony apologised for the millionth time about Loki. She thanked him for apologising but did not yet accept.

Tony didn't blame her. What Loki - and he - had done was lower than low.

And, of course, towards the end of this coffee meeting (date was the wrong word) Tony had gone to the bathroom. In the meantime, Loki had called.

Pepper was pissed when he got back that Tony was still associating with that particular cracked-up actor.

Again, rightly.

Why didn't Tony delete Loki's number or at least give him a pseudonym? Because he was an idiot, that's why.

The paranoia that had been following Tony ever since Belasco flared up violently - he had this intense feeling that Loki was keeping tabs on him and had rung at that specific moment intentionally.

He left Pepper with a hurried goodbye and locked himself in his lab back at the Tower.

It was as Tony was considering a tinfoil hat to keep Loki out of his thoughts that Tony realised he wasn't thinking rationally.

"Oh, shit, I'm crazier than him," Tony groaned.

And then his phone bleeped with a text from Loki.

**Belasco dressing room tomorrow after the show? - LF**

**...Why - TS**

**I wish to ask you something. - LF**

**Well text me your 'question' cause not sure if I can be bothered - TS**

**It's a face-to-face topic. - LF**

**I would groan but I can't through a phone - TS**

**Excellent. See you tomorrow. - LF**

After that short exchange, Tony could feel the life being sucked out of himself. But he was much too curious about Loki's issues to do anything but go.

-O.O-

Arriving directly after the show, it was chaos backstage - as compared to last time, when he'd spent a while arguing with the security guard and the activity had settled.

Tony made his way to Loki's dressing room, but he stopped outside the door. Raised voices were coming from inside, so he pressed his ear to the door.

"You don't get it, Loki!" Someone who was almost certainly Darcy said. She sounded more upset than angry. "By definition, you don't get it!"

"I have a very good understanding of what you mean," Loki replied, surprisingly calmly.

"No. See, to you, Loki, it's a game, and because you don't have feelings they don't get hurt. Me, I'm not a soulless abomination," Darcy snapped. "You always just assume I'm - I'm okay with anything you're planning for me, when really, I don't want anything to do with you! You know what, Loki? Wait, you do know this, I've told you before. You know full _fucking_ well I was stupid enough to fall in love with your skinny lying ass. And when you did your precious big reveal, you made me insecure and untrusting of other guys, and meanwhile it was like you _killed_ that Loki and stole his face. Hell, maybe you did! You're just hurtful, in the end! So why the hell would I want to come to England with you!? I'm not a masochist!"

"I pulled a rabbit out of a hat. I didn't _become_ the bloody rabbit, Darcy," Loki growled, sounding more annoyed now. "The only question I have about the whole affair is why you're still here. After the endless malicious acts, you still stick by me. You'd be happier and healthier without me; you're not coming to England with me, so why not take a fresh start? Delete my number, forget my address, slam your door in my face."

"I'll start with the fucking slamming right now," Darcy said, sounding teary but angry as she yanked Loki's door open and left the dressing room - slamming said door as she went - and stormed off in full stage makeup without even seeing Tony.

"Don't stand outside like that, Stark, it's unbecoming," Loki said through the door.

 _He's in my fucking head!_ Tony shrieked internally.

His thoughts had not been so balanced recently.

"How did you - oh, fuck it," Tony said, entering the dressing room.

To Tony's surprise, the stench of cigarettes that had permeated the whole room last time was gone. Also, the room looked sparkly clean. "It went south with the cleaner friend, then, I see," Tony said wryly.

"He's in rather a lot of trouble from his boyfriend," Loki said airily. "He refuses to clean my room anymore, so a much stricter and less easily swayed woman was put in charge. Good evening, Stark."

"Darcy looked a bit upset there," Tony said, a little awkwardly.

"You overheard the end of our conversation," Loki stated. It wasn't a question. "She did not want to accompany me to England on the grounds that she hates me and does not want to spend her life trailing around after me. Tell me, my tiny billionaire, why won't Darcy leave me? I'm certain you could figure it out."

"Because," Tony started, a little uncertainly. "Because Darcy might not be in love with you, but she's in love with the person you were pretending to be and she's clinging onto the false hope that guy'll come back somehow."

Loki made a low purring noise. "Better than sex, Stark, don't forget it."

"Shut up. Don't make me talk like you. I hate it."

"Obviously I pried those words from your stiff unwilling lips," Loki said dryly. "I'll try to refrain from further cruelty of that kind in the future."

"Shut up."

"You're getting awfully repetitive," Loki sighed heavily, putting his feet up on the bench.

"You're getting great at twisting around why you actually asked me here," Tony countered.

There was that half-mad, crooked grin again. "Cutting to the chase, are we?"

"I am. You're not."

"I've always been in favour of starting the conversation vaguely and focusing as time goes on," Loki shrugged. "It's more satisfying. Barring a few select instances, usually propositions."

Tony remembered how he'd met Loki; being approached at the actor's own party and being told that everyone there was stupid and they should go fuck. Which, for the record, had worked perfectly.

"You've been plenty vague so far, big guy. So let's skip ahead to the focused bit. What is this legendary question?"

Loki scrutinised him for just a moment and Tony knew he was calculating the best way to approach this conversation so he could get what he wanted.

"Come to England with me," Loki stated bluntly.

"Why the hell would I want to do that?" Tony said incredulously, but if he was willing to admit it to himself, he knew the answer.

"Because you're curious," Loki replied smoothly. "And because unconsciously you're interested in how my meeting with my father will go. Oh, and lastly because I want you to and you're all too desperate to please me."

Tony didn't bother to deny all this. Loki wasn't asking a question, he was stating it as a very true fact. But he did have one thing. "But why, for the love of - yeah, we're both atheists here, no bloody church would have you, but - god, do you want me with you?"

Loki looked...well, he looked resigned to admitting the truth, if there ever was a facial expression like that. "Quite simply, Stark, because I'm not certain I'll handle meeting Farbauti very well and I decided to nicely ask someone who I actually trust to accompany me and stop me from doing anything regrettable, like murdering the old bastard."

"Ah, Loki...you haven't asked me anything. And not nicely either," Tony pointed out, though admittedly he was a little touched by Loki saying he trusted him.

Loki gave a put-upon sigh and finally took his feet down from the bench to face Tony. "Tony, would you please do me the honour of chaperoning me to England?"

And now, because Loki had been so uncharacteristically polite, Tony wanted to say yes. But he couldn't. He had work to do - never mind that the odds of anyone else being happy about Tony spending time with Loki were slim indeed and in any case Loki was by definition bad for Tony.

"Maybe? I don't know, Loki, sorry - don't you have other friends you can ask?" Tony said weakly.

"None that I would trust to not take demeaning pictures of me at my lowest and sell them to the media. Barring the few high-fliers in my circle, most are low enough to betray my confidence for a few hundred pounds."

"And the high-fliers?"

"Consider me a waste of talent," Loki said boredly. "Apparently I should be out being kind and loving to people, not borderline overdosing on stimulants and demeaning people."

"They may have a point, snowflake," Tony deadpanned.

"And then there's the lovely folks like the ones who assaulted me in a bar after you rather distastefully left, who are motivated primarily by jealousy and various forms of bigotry, and who I loathe entirely," Loki finished. "This makes my list of trustworthy friends only two people long."

"That's sad," Tony said.

"Go fuck yourself, Stark. Now, seeing as while I'd much rather have Darcy here than you and she refuses to come, I'm left with you."

"Don't sing my praises too much. I'll think you like me," Tony said wryly.

"And wouldn't that be ghastly," Loki agreed. Crooked crazy smile, on cue. "Will you come with me?"

Oh, Tony wanted to say yes. He did. The fact that Loki had asked nicely combined with the likelihood of seeing Loki in distress had Tony wanting to go. After all, Loki was suggesting his composure might go to shit, and Tony wanted nothing more than to chisel that shell off Loki and get a good look at exactly what was under there.

He knew he was being manipulated, of course, but he was starting to take that as a given fact and just make his plans around it.

"Maybe," Tony said.

"What could I say to convince you?" Loki asked.

"Promise me that whatever happens, you're not going to pull what you did last time. No messing with me, no ruining my life. I'm there in a _friendship_ capacity, not as your toy."

"But whatever will I do with my leisure time?" Loki said with a theatrically sad face.

"Teach yourself something. Read. You seem to like reading."

"Fine," Loki said resignedly. "I, Loki Feison, being of sound mind and body - oh, don't give me that look - promise that I will not intentionally affect you negatively, if you accompany me to England."

It was looking more and more tempting by the moment.

Which Loki knew. Sigh.

Tony thought about it - thought about Loki. He was being very persistent; odds were, he really did want Tony to come and just wasn't especially capable of earnestly asking. It wasn't really part of his demeanour - he wheedled and bargained and rarely asked forthright. The fact he'd tried that now meant he really did want Tony there. Or he'd entered a new level of manipulativeness. Or Tony's analysis was all wrong. Or - there were a million reasons why that hypothesis could be incorrect, but Tony's instincts, the ones Loki had been intentionally fostering recently, told him he was right.

 _And if you can't trust the shit Loki's been putting in your head, at least in its' analysis of Loki, then what can you trust?_ Tony reasoned.

God, he was going nuts. And he knew it. Loki's brain was...Lovecraftian. That bizarre horror of the unknown and the unknowable force of something that comprehended more than you ever could.

Except it wasn't unknowable. Tony was starting to get him.

"With that promise in mind, will you come with me?" Loki asked.

 _No. Say no. You know there's no chance in hell this is going to go your way,_ Tony thought, or, at least, the still-rational part of his brain protested.

-O.O-

He forgot to text Darcy to see if she was okay.

-O.O-

"I'm going to London in a week," Tony announced to the other Avengers.

This was met by some surprise.

"...Why?" Steve asked.

"Loki," Clint guessed.

"Ten points for Katniss," Tony sighed.

"Any particular reason, or did he just click his fingers and you came running?" Clint said dryly.

"I didn't come _running._ It was at least a brisk walk," Tony said, making a feeble attempt at a joke. "He's meeting his real dad for the first time and he wanted a friend there."

Clint narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "He actually called you a friend?"

"Yep. At least once. It was weird," Tony replied. "I think he's finally lost it. He actually promised to not intentionally hurt me for once."

Which raised a whole host of worried looks from the other Avengers.

"I'm not going to stop you from going, Tony," said Bruce. "But you know full well that Loki's a liar and he's not particularly stable, from what you've told us. If he breaks down, remember that he's an adult and can look after himself, so if it's going to be bad for you, get out. Just leave."

 _I can't ever do that._ "I'll keep that in mind," Tony said. "He'll be okay. He's been calmer recently." _Sort of._

"Hm," Bruce said disapprovingly. "Give us a call if _anything_ happens. You take priority over him; don't forget it."

Clint looked sombre as he said "Guess how well Pepper's gonna take it when you tell her you're taking a holiday with Loki."

"I'm thinking not very well," Tony winced. "I'll break it to her gently."

"Don't forget letting Fury know," Natasha added. "Might stop him from reinstating you as an Avenger."

"I can handle Fury. He's not tricky at all," Tony said wryly.

Everyone looked at each other, not wanting to say the obvious. Fortunately Tony got to it before any of them did. "You all think I'm a fucking idiot, don't you?"

The expressions on their faces said it all.

-O.O-

Tony was enjoying some bro time with Steve. Or he was, until they'd stopped joking around about the future and whatnot. Now Steve was deadly serious.

While he appreciated the fact that everyone was looking out for him, Tony wished everyone would just leave him to his terrible life choices.

"I'll be honest with you, Tony," Steve said. "I just don't see what it is between you and Loki. You're no fool; you know it could go very wrong."

"I do," Tony admitted.

"Well, then, why?" Steve asked.

"Think about it, Cap," Tony said. "Loki's hot as hell - to me, maybe not to you - he's smart, he's perceptive, he's an addict, he's got daddy issues from here to London and back, and he's pretty much self-destructive enough to combust any moment. So why do you think I'm still spending time with Loki after all this?"

"He's _not_ like you, Tony. Those are just surface similarities, really. He's no hero, not like the Tony Stark I know. And even if you were similar, that doesn't mean you have to spend time with him. Clint doesn't hang out in the park with the other birds," Steve joked.

"Clint bloody does. Where do you think all the bread goes? He's got an affinity for the pigeons," Tony snorted. "Cap, I'm fine. I'm a grown-up, Loki's a grown-up. I even know one of Loki's friends who seems to know his mental cheatsheet - seriously, Darcy knows exactly how to shut him down. Most of the time. It's funny."

"Why doesn't she go with him, then?" Steve asked.

"She's finally taking the opportunity to escape from him for a while," Tony admittedly awkwardly. "They don't get along. Sort of. I don't really get them."

 _Yes, you do,_ Tony's 'Loki sense' whispered.

 _I'm going insane,_ the rest of Tony's brain chipped in.

"Besides, Capcake, I _know_ Loki's nuts. I didn't know that last time I tangled with him. And, hey, what can I say? I like a little bit of crazy," Tony grinned.

"It sounds like you're signing up for quite a lot of it, then," Cap frowned.


	4. The sane stay underground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's leaving; whether or not this is a good idea is up for debate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little chapter that fills a space between places. Never fear, the next one's more interesting, though this does contain relevant thingies.

Communicating by text, Tony had agreed to meet Loki on the last night of _1984_ so they could discuss transport.

A week after agreeing to going, _1984_ was over and Tony was heading to the Belasco. He was starting to know this place well; he went through the fire exit and climbed past where Loki had thrown him down - _Tony why the fuck are you going with him this could happen all over again_ \- stopping to admire a chip in the stairs made by his arc reactor. It was rather sizeable. Also, no one had managed to scrub the lower landing completely clean and there was a very slight ruddy stain from his own blood.

_Seriously, Tony. You're actively walking into something stupid._

This way was much faster, and Tony reached Loki's familiar dressing room door without more than a nod at the guards. The security was not especially advanced, or so it seemed.

Feeling his soul leave his body, Tony's knuckles tapped Loki's door.

"If this is anyone except Stark or maybe a fan, you can go fuck yourself," the actor snarled.

Well. Despite it being the last night of the show, Loki's mood was nothing positive.

Tony put on a slightly deeper voice and said "Did someone order a pizza?"

"Stark, stop messing around," Loki said patiently.

"Aw, how'd you know it was me?" Tony joked dryly as he entered the room.

"Vocal patterns," Loki answered. "How are you?"

Tony narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You actually want to know?"

Loki shrugged. "It's a pleasantry. I don't actually care."

"That's more like the Loki we all know and love," Tony replied brightly, taking a seat. "I'll cut to the chase, because you're not going to; what's our flight plan, because the Avengers are out at a bar and I'd quite like to join them."

A look passed over Loki's face and Tony snapped out "And no, you are _not_ invited."

"I'm hurt," Loki deadpanned, looking anything but. "I have booked the plane tickets; I will pick you up from Stark Tower tomorrow at just after eleven AM."

"Two things: One, why the hell did you have to tell me this in person, and two, why can't we just go by my jet?" Tony said, a whine in his voice.

"In both cases, because I said so," Loki answered with the hint of a wicked smile.

"You're just one big power play," Tony said.

"Care to expand that theory?" Loki said.

"You force people to talk, force people to do what you say, you constantly look bored and like there's nothing that a mere mortal human could do to interest you, and you're always on top. Except that one time when I flipped you over and you weren't expecting it," Tony said. "Many of your interpersonal behaviours are dominance things, and that's why everyone does what you say; because you seem like an alpha."

"Music to my ears," Loki answered.

"Stop it," Tony said.

"Stop what?"

"Making me talk like you," Tony said.

"I'm not doing anything. You're extrapolating; I'm listening," Loki said innocently. "Why would I make you talk like me?"

"Because you're proud of the skills you've managed to put together and you'd like to pass them on to someone smart enough to understand them," Tony said before he could help himself.

"Close, but not quite," Loki said.

"The next time you try to get me to do that, I'm ignoring you," Tony growled.

"Why?" Loki said, looking almost hurt.

"If I don't play your games, I'm trying my own power play, so I'm not being completely controlled by you," Tony said. Loki chuckled. "Fuck. _Fuck_ you. I hate you."

"No, you don't," Loki pointed out, and quite correctly.

Tony glared at Loki for a moment. "Well, then, I'm going. See you tomorrow."

"I'll miss you," Loki said, so faux-serious that Tony fought back a grin.

He was supposed to be mad at him, dammit.

-O.O-

The next morning, Tony woke up with a slight hangover, but feeling pretty good about himself. He'd enjoyed the previous night, talking with everyone, watching Natasha drink Clint under the table until the archer was almost insensible. He was really going to miss them while he was away.

He'd called Darcy, who was grateful for him agreeing to go with Loki. She was looking forward to her holiday. Tony promised to call her at some point in the future.

Fury hadn't taken his departure well, and had threatened him with many things before realising he just couldn't force Tony into not taking a social holiday.

Pepper? She'd been furious, but more than that, she'd been disappointed in him, and that hurt more than anger ever could, especially because Tony thrived on approval.

As he lay in bed, Tony wondered vaguely if one of the reasons he spent time with Loki was because Loki didn't - wouldn't - disapprove of him, and gaining his approval was simple, if destructive.

It was too early in the day for that kind of thought, just coming up on eleven in the morning.

Tony bolted out of bed. Loki would be there soon, and he was only half packed. He had an extremely quick shower, dressed himself and threw everything he hadn't yet gotten around to packing into one of his two suitcases, then dashed down to the kitchen for whatever he could find for breakfast. Plane food was not to his liking, even when you bought the premium stuff.

While Tony improvised a smoothie, he heard a smooth drawling voice from the living room.

Loki had arrived. Aha.

"And that would be my beautiful Stark," Loki said in his cheery-despite-circumstances manner that made Tony worry about what had happened before his arrival.

"Don't change the subject," Natasha said.

 _There was a subject?_ Tony thought. _Natasha's engaging Loki in conversation? This could be perfection._

Tony crept quietly around the edge of the entrance to the kitchen to see Loki lounging on the couch, his body language shouting his usual overconfidence while Natasha loomed over him.

"Are we clear?" Natasha said.

"I've already made Tony a similar promise," Loki said boredly. "I may be a lying, cheating moral degenerate, but rest assured, a promise made is a promise kept."

 _Oh. The potential risk of Loki torturing me for fun,_ Tony thought.

"Make sure that's the truth," Bruce added. "You don't want to make me mad."

"Actually, you're right," Loki winced. "I truly don't. Now, as my darling has arrived, may I please escort him to the ball? I'll have him home before midnight."

Natasha leaned down close to Loki, looking him right in the eye.

For Tony, it was a pregnant moment. On a million different occasions, he'd tried to discern something about Loki's thoughts from his eyes and failed, but this was Natasha. Who knew what she saw?

"I know your type, Feison," she murmured, so quietly that Tony almost couldn't hear her. "I've broken a thousand men like you and I'll break a thousand more. In the end, you're all predictable, as much as you pretend to be unique."

"Lady Widow," Loki said brightly, getting to his feet and brushing past her like he wasn't even slightly intimidated by the threat, and hey, maybe he wasn't. "There are no men like me."

And with that, he nodded at Tony, told him to get his bags, patted Natasha on the ass to piss her off and strolled to the elevator.

Tony was honestly surprised she hadn't broken his fingers. The dislike burning off Natasha was almost tangible, for all her face looked calm. "Watch out for him, Tony," she finally said.

"Oh, I will," Tony said. "He's likeable enough when he's not trying to impress you. If he didn't know you were _the_ Black Widow he'd probably treat you normally."

"Hm," Natasha said, unimpressed.

"Bye, guys," said Tony. "I'll call when I get there. Or something. Carrier pigeon maybe."

-O.O-

Loki was waiting for Tony in the taxi.

"Taxi, Feison?" Tony said after dumping his stuff in the trunk. "I thought you were classier."

Loki shrugged. "It serves a purpose," he replied, before looking at Tony thoughtfully. "Whatever happens over the next week or two, I am grateful for your company."

"You feeling okay?" Tony said, leaning forward and putting the back of his hand against Loki's forehead. "Not feverish at all? Maybe you're delusional."

Loki smacked his hand away. "It seems the gratitude angle went unappreciated. I won't try that again."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Thank you for thanking me, Mr Feison."

"Positive reinforcement; second only to negative reinforcement in effectiveness," Loki commented dryly.


	5. The far side of town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Tony make the journey abroad.

After the irritating time spent in customs, Tony and Loki were finally in their seats for their flight. And holy crap, Tony couldn't help but notice what Loki had settled in to read.

Just to irritate Loki, he leaned over the divider between them and snatched it out of his hands.

"Stark," Loki said acidly. "Could you not do that?"

"You actually understand all this?" Tony said, looking at the physics theorums book. "I don't get half of it and I'm _me."_

Loki reached over and snatched it back. "Yes. I decided if I was to spent time in your company I had better understand what you do."

"But you actually _understand_ what you're reading?" Tony asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Loki insisted. "I ran out of psychology textbooks that I wanted to read, so I moved onto real science. Chemical relations is my next project after this."

"How fast do you _read?"_ Tony said. When he'd talked to Loki yesterday, a book about neurology and psychology had been on his bench, half-finished.

"Not slowly," Loki answered. "I aim to finish this book before we arrive."

There were about 200 pages left. "Well, I wish you luck on that. Me, I'm going to watch a movie."

Loki just acknowledged him with a hum before continuing to read.

The plane took off with that familiar powerful thrust, and Tony involuntarily went through the mechanics of a jumbo jet in flight before deciding to watch _Skyfall._ Like his life needed more intrigue and drama.

Once they were allowed to move around, Tony leaned back over to Loki's side. "Hey, why don't you want to watch a movie? You're an actor; I thought it'd be your thing."

"The acting is terrible," Loki said. "I consider myself an expert in human behaviour; the general quality of acting in even the best films falls far short of true human response."

Tony had thought it was probably something like that. "Why not watch your own stuff, then? Or reality TV. Or something like that."

"I don't like the average person, which discounts unscripted television, and I only have disgust for my own work. It looks so inauthentic."

Well, Tony had thought that Loki's work was some of the best acting he'd ever seen. Despite his apparent lack of emotions in day to day life, Loki's behaviour when a camera when was trained on him was skillfully, beautifully done. At an awards ceremony Tony had watched, Loki beamed at his fans, signing various things, shaking hands, hugging the populace and flirting ever so slightly to make them all breathy. He really was the most amazing liar.

Tony shrugged. "I think your stuff is amazing."

"It needs improvement," Loki said. "I'm no flawless actor, not through the eyes of someone with my own experience."

With that, Tony started paying attention to his movie again, but now, his Loki Sense was kicking in.

The filter of Loki's brand of psychoanalysis meant that Tony stopped watching the movie after ten minutes. He was right; it wasn't authentic-looking, not if you knew the markers of true emotion.

Tony wondered vaguely if life was like that for Loki, seeing every deception and lie and navigating easily to people's true motives with ease. Evidence would suggest so. It had to take the fun out of a lot of social interaction.

No wonder he got bored. Loki didn't need to guess about the inner workings of other people's minds; he already knew.

In that moment, Tony felt very, very small.

Tony was extremely smart. He knew that, the world knew that, and Loki knew it, despite his jibes to the contrary. But Loki could see through him.

Did that make Loki more powerful than him?

Tony wasn't sure. He also wasn't sure why he was bothering to think about power anyways. It wasn't exactly applicable, except when thinking about Loki's little domination complex.

In either case, watching a movie with anything remotely serious about it was ruled out.

He resolved to watch Mythbusters for an episode or two.

Tony liked travelling in his own jet a lot more than he liked public transport - there was just more room to sprawl out and move. However, travelling first class wasn't too bad. His chair was the size of a single bed if one was to lay it flat.

After about an hour of flying, Loki leaned around the other side on the divider and switched off his entertainment screen.

"Loki," Tony said seriously. "Why the hell are you commandeering my entertainment?"

"Why not?" Loki said. "I was bored. Now I'm not."

Of course.

"You know," Loki said airily, deciding on a topic of conversation. "My agent has been trying to convince me to dip my dainty toes into the music industry."

"Wow. Uh. Why not?" Tony said. "Why don't you want to?"

"Why do you think?" Loki asked.

Tony thought about that for a minute. "You think you'll get bored."

"Mm," Loki hummed. "The initial thrill may be great, but, like all things, the adrenaline must wear off."

"You should've done philosophy," Tony snorted.

Loki made a face. "I don't wish to spend my time speculating. I may be working in the arts, but at heart I can assure you I am a scientist. Of a sort."

"Science is measurement and prediction," Tony said. "A behavioural scientist, I guess. You're definitely an expert in the field. It'd be good move, money-wise, to go for the record deal, though."

Loki shrugged. "I have money."

"You know, Sunshine, that's not normally the attitude the big Hollywood guys take. Usually they look for ways to get more money," Tony said. "You've got a big following of teenage girls; sometimes I look at what they say about you on the internet when I want something to laugh at. They'd love it if you crooned romance at them."

"They hold a high opinion of my nature," Loki said. "My agent decided to let out the rumour I was looking for a company to sign to. There was much interest."

"Good looks, entertainment experience, already devoted following, actual singing talent," Tony said. "Aren't you perfect. If you weren't a danger to society, you'd be lauded as the next Da Vinci with all your academics and art."

"I don't paint," Loki pointed out.

Tony could've laughed or cried. He'd once said the exact same thing to a reporter at the same accusation.

"And in what way am I a danger to society?" Loki said with a mock-pout.

"Not society...Sort of the fabric of society. You like to stir things up," Tony said.

"In my defence, I'm horribly bored," Loki said.

"You always say that. I would've thought the science would've distracted you. It always does for me," Tony said.

"I would perhaps be more interested if I didn't already know all this," Loki said with a gesture at his physics book. "I've read this. I've read everything in my bookshelf. I've read everything in a very large number of bookshelves. I may not know everything, but I know a great deal of things. And I am bored."

"Just gotta find a new interest," Tony maintained.

"I have found many. None last long," Loki said dully. "Even manipulating people is growing dull, when I'm attempting to cut down on the genuine emotional agony. What can I twist them into doing? Being happy? Where is the entertainment in that?"

"I'm sure you'll think of new and inventive ways to hurt people, Lokes," Tony said. "So long as you don't try them on me, I'm going to look the other way."

Loki made something that almost sounded like a sigh and continued reading.

A minute later, Tony broke the silence by blurting "What about sex?"

Many people looked at Tony disapprovingly.

Loki raised a perfect eyebrow.

"Oh, you know what I mean," Tony said.

Loki just raised the other eyebrow - _yes, but I want you to say it_ \- and Tony wanted to giggle at the look on Loki's face.

"You like two things. Manipulating people and fucking. You're trying not to do the first one, but the second one?" Tony said.

Loki just sank deeper into his chair. "They do rather go hand in hand. I don't enjoy one night stands so much if I gain no insight or entertainment from the human mind. I might as well just stay at home and read."

"I'm pretty sure reading and sex aren't equatable," Tony said.

"That does depend on your choice of reading material," Loki said good-humouredly.

There were a few minutes of surprisingly companionable silence, before Tony said "You should come to my labs in Stark Tower sometime. Come try your hand at actual practical science instead of theory. You might like it; it always helps when I start to feel a bit underwhelmed."

Loki looked ever so slightly surprised. "Why would you offer such a thing to me of all people?"

"I know what it's like to be bored," Tony answered.

-O.O-  
The rest of the trip passed in a surprisingly amicable way. The conversation didn't get nearly as serious as it had been during the earlier parts of the flight, but they talked about nonconsequential things.

Tony was making smalltalk with Loki. And enjoying it.

What the hell was wrong with Loki? He was introspective as hell recently, trying for self-improvement, trying to retreat in on himself. No more exuberance, no more outright devil-may-care vivacity.

Small talk. Loki Feison was reduced to small talk.

See, normally Tony would regard someone acting like a normal person as fantastic news. Less crazy to deal with. But Loki's previous state - higher than a motherfucker and willing to burn down Parliament if it meant he had something to do - was at least a little bit predictable. This Loki seemed quiet and stable, but there was an edge of instability to him that was so much scarier than how he had been.

It felt like he was driving towards a cliff edge distractedly. Everything would be fine until he was in the middle of it going wrong.

Oh well. He could enjoy it til then.

-O.O-

Making their way through the airport was fairly uncomplicated. Get off plane, smile your way through customs, smile your way through a bunch of other places, smile your way into a taxi, and relax under the knowledge you don't have to smile at people anymore.

Tony and Loki didn't say a word on the long trip to Loki's large penthouse flat in Westminster where he'd grown up. He had a spare bedroom, so Tony had accepted the accomodation.

Once they were there, Loki showed him around, the gracious host.

It was a nice flat. They were in a pleasant area and Loki had picked a great spot - Tony wondered exactly how much the rent on this place costed. Something obscene, no doubt. Loki didn't even live there most of the year.

The thing that interested Tony the most was what Loki had done to the master bedroom. He'd removed all semblances of a living area, replacing them with hardwood flooring and a mirror covering the length of one wall. There was a piano in the corner, a stereo system, and the ensuite and walk-in wardrobe had been smashed together to make a dressing room.

"A dance studio?" Tony asked.

"Assorted things. Practicing lines, rehearsing choreography for musicals, piano practice, costume adjustments. The small parts that make for a greater performance. I had nothing that I wished to do with this room, in any case."

"Sleep in it?"

"Why do you need a large room to sleep in? Sleeping can also occur in smaller rooms," Loki said.

"I think there was a Monty Python sketch about sleeping in a box on the road," Tony smiled.

Loki just ignored that quip and urged them to continue their movements.

-O.O-

Loki was meeting his father in two days.

Tony...Tony wasn't sure what to think. He knew it would go badly, had a feeling it would pop the soap bubble of friendship they had in some way - confronting daddy issues had a tendency to screw things up, Tony knew - and he was legitimately enjoying his time with Loki.

But maybe this was what Loki needed. To confront his true self or whatever.

 _Letters To My Past,_ eat your heart out.


	6. It's pointless to be high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony really thinks that Loki's doing okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did that sickening thing where people insert songs into the dialogue. It's legitimately relevant to the plot, and I humbly apologise for it.

Tony woke up to the sound of the piano being played. Intrigued, he scraped himself out of bed - it was nice and plush; trust Loki to have the best of everything - and wandered out of his room to track the sound down.

It was coming from the studio. Of course Loki could play the piano. Why wouldn't he be able to play the piano? He was already hugely multitalented artistically. What a pity he, by nature, was no artist, at least not of the conventional sort.

Tony entered the studio as quietly as possible.

There was Loki, elegantly playing the piano and singing. He noticed his entrance - he had some weird kind of ability to just sense when people were near him - but continued, and shit, he sounded good.

Loki shot him a half-smile as he broke into the chorus, his voice hitting a high note easily. _"Oh, you pretty things - don't you know you're driving your mammas and pappas insane?"_

Tony knew the song, but he didn't know the words to it, so he sat down in the folding chair in the corner and just listened.  
Once Loki had finished up his last notes, he said "I woke you."

"Nah, it's fine. I shouldn't sleep all day anyway. You sound really good," Tony said, though he did note Loki wasn't actually apologising.

"I'm more than a little out of practice," Loki said with a shrug.

"Still sounded good. What're you making me for breakfast, oh gracious host?" Tony said cheekily.

"You can feed yourself from anything you may find in my kitchen, or from a nearby cafe if you must," Loki answered. "I have a routine when I live here, and it begins with exercise and vocal practice."

"Ah, okay?" Tony said. "I'll feed myself. So much for hospitality."

Loki snorted. "I've never been overly hospitable. Don't get your hopes up," he said, turning away from Tony and moving to start playing again.

 _"Jackie, you yourself said it best when you said - there's been a break in the continuum,"_ Loki sang lowly and sweetly.

Tony felt like Loki was trying to tell him something.

 _"The United States used to be lots of fun, back when the man and the myth of the sands and the cliffs composed a symphony of good work,"_ Loki continued rhythmically. _"And better business,"_ he added, almost as an afterthought.

It seemed to Tony like Loki was playing this piece specifically for him, so he took care to listen, at least for another verse or so.  
The corner of Loki's mouth crooked up as he sang _"Making history has never been so easy,"_

Why was Loki so cheerful this morning? It seemed worrying. Maybe, for once, he'd stumbled out of the right side of bed and was now full of sunshine, rainbows, and goodwill for anyone named Tony who happened to stumble across him.

 _"So visualise success, but don't believe your eyes! There's a world of wisdom and pain to despise..."_ Loki sang airily.

 _Actually, that sums up Loki's perspective on life fairly well,_ Tony thought as he grinned. There was something infectious in the brightness of Loki's tone, and the bright and roomy studio was such a harsh contrast to Loki's stuffy, smokey dressing room and blank, modernistic, emotionless Malibu house. This was actually a place Loki truly _lived,_ and Tony felt like he was invading Loki's privacy by being there. Hell, he felt like he was invading Loki's privacy whenever he was anywhere but ignorant and at arm's length.

Loki was _good_ at playing the piano. Tony wasn't sure what he'd expected.

It was a disturbingly serene scene, watching Loki play the piano elegantly in the morning sunlight. He looked like...well, like his persona. Like the charming, talented actor the world saw him as without knowing what lay beneath.

For the hundredth time in a couple of days, Tony wondered how long this peace would last.

-O.O-

Tony ended up going to a nearby arty cafe for breakfast, leaving Loki to finish his singing practice and exercises, whatever that meant.

Eating a mysterious pastry for breakfast made Tony feel pretty perky. Or maybe it was two coffees. Probably the latter. He was actually reading a newspaper and sipping a coffee like a great big stereotype.

After about an hour of actually being relaxed for once in his life, Tony looked up at the tinkle of the shop's bell to see Loki walking in, dressed classily in black skinny jeans and a tight green dress shirt, looking the part.

The life of a celebrity suited Loki - he was _expected_ to lie through his teeth and chop and change.

"Mr Feison, you're back home," the barista said, clearly recognising Loki. "The usual?"

"Yes, thank you," Loki said warmly - falsely - before walking over to Tony and taking a seat. "Anything fascinating in the news?"

"Nope. Not even slightly. Slow news day," Tony said, folding the newspaper and putting it away. "What're you doing today?"

"As of now, my plans are indistinct," Loki admitted. "I thought perhaps I might take a taxi to Charing Cross and visit a few bookstores."

"You finish that physics book, then?" Tony asked.

"And my chemical relations one," Loki nodded.

"Did you even sleep last night?" Tony said.

"Not much," Loki replied, before thanking the barista as he plonked an enormous chocolate milkshake in front of him.

Tony thought for a moment. "The only things I've ever seen you eat are chocolate milkshakes, assorted drugs, mint chocolate and that one sip of wine you had. I had pizza for dinner last night and you said you'd eat later."

Loki shrugged, not bothering to answer.

"If you don't eat, how are you so strong?" Tony pressed on.

"I eat," Loki said. "Just because I do not do something in front of you does not mean I do not do it at all."

"Yeah, but you're _really_ strong. A lot stronger than someone as skinny as you should be," Tony said.

"It's magic, Stark," Loki said with a fae grin.

Tony looked at him suspiciously. "It's weird."

"It's useful," Loki said, the grin switching to distinctly sharkish.

For some weird reason, Loki then leaned across the narrow table and held Tony's hands in a way that could've been misconstrued as affectionate.

"Uh..." Tony said. "Loki, what're you doing?"

Loki didn't answer, just waited half a minute before letting him go and smiling innocently.

On anyone else, the smile would've been borderline angelic, but Tony's experience meant that on Loki, it came across as a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing type of thing.

But Loki was pulling punches. He was actually being nice. He'd had a great number of opportunities to mock, psychoanalyse or demean Tony in the last 24 hours, and he'd taken none of them, except for a light teasing here and there. Which was uncharacteristic, to say the least.

Tony's 'Loki sense' coughed loudly in the figurative sense.

Compulsively, Tony blurted "You're being nice now because you're pretty sure you won't be later."

Loki raised an eyebrow.

"You're making as much effort to be nice and polite and friendly to me as you can now, because you want me to have something good to remember of your nature in case you turn nasty when you're put under stress tomorrow," Tony said. "Either that or you're hoping that karma applies, so you can be nice to me now and I'll be nice to you later or something, but they both boil down to the same thing."

Not confirming or denying, Loki said "I do love it when you try and figure me out using my own methods."

Tony didn't even bother to object to that. He objected to Loki making him think like that, yes, but he'd accepted it as borderline inevitable and actually found it kind of useful. "Yep, you've said. So, am I getting warmer?"

Again, no confirmation or denial. "If I told you that, Stark, it would ruin the game."

Last time Loki had said that, it had come a short while before a knee in his kidneys. This time, it was said in a light, teasing tone.

"And we wouldn't want that," Tony smiled.

"No, we wouldn't," Loki agreed.

-O.O-

Loki and Tony ended up resolving to have a quiet day. Tony stayed at Loki's flat and got some work done to appease Pepper, and Loki went to Charing Cross like he'd said.

Late afternoon, Loki was still out, but Tony had been having a very peaceful afternoon. Until he got a text from Bruce.

**Tony, if you're going to keep Pepper and Fury happy, I'd recommend being more discreet - BB**

That seemed a little ominous.

**?? - TS**

Bruce sent him a link in reply.

Tony clicked it. It took him to a Tumblr blog, which had a photo from a cameraphone of he and Loki holding hands in the cafe, and the very excited caption of _'OMG totally saw Loki Feison and Tony Stark in town today!!! So cute!!'_

Tony just sank face-down in the table. Loki really hadn't been able to help being a pain in the ass for the cameras, had he? An ingrained habit. It did explain why Loki had randomly held hands with him. Still, it could've been worse. Tony could let it slide.

**What were you doing on Tumblr?- TS**

**Clint sent it to me - BB**

**What was Clint doing on Tumblr, then? - TS**

**Who knows - BB**

Really, it was kind of like a stress release for Loki.

-O.O-

Loki didn't turn up until the late afternoon. He dumped his new books on the table right next to Tony - who, by this point, was now scrolling down his own tag on Tumblr, damn Clint - then slunk right past him without saying a word, making for his studio.

"Well, okay," Tony said awkwardly.

As Tony learned when he gave Loki a few minutes to calm down then went to see how he was, there was a fire exit outside the window that led to the roof of the building.

Very slowly and cautiously, Tony crept up the stairwell after Loki, trying to not be noticed. Seeing Loki unobserved would be a rarity that Tony couldn't miss.

For the first time, Loki's senses didn't immediately pick up that Tony was peeking his head over the edge of the building.

The actor paced back and forth, a cigarette in his mouth, talking to himself. He looked stressed, manic; he kicked a vent in frustration, kicked a chunk of asphalt halfway across the roof, smacked his palms against the concrete wall surrounding the roof.

 _Okay, well, I'm definitely not going up there,_ Tony thought. _He's looking to break something. He's crushing himself by trying to behave so well._

Evidently hitting his palms on the concrete did something for him, because Loki did it again and again until little cuts had opened on his hands and he was leaving splatters of blood on the grey concrete. Once his palms were thoroughly nicked and bleeding, he just slumped against the wall, propped up by his arms, breathing heavily.

Tony was fairly sure he heard Loki choke out "I'm - I'm not that."

Whatever that meant, he wasn't sure. But Loki had clearly had a bad day.

Loki looked like he might calm down soon, so Tony quickly made his way back down the fire escape and into the studio, before making his way back to exactly where he'd been sitting before and looking like he hadn't moved.

It ended up taking Loki about ten minutes to come back down, and when he did, he just made his way calmly and composedly from the studio to the kitchen behind Tony and started rinsing the blood and gravel off his hands.

Casually Tony got to his feet and leaned over the kitchen island to say hello. "How was the shopping?"

"Adequate," Loki answered smoothly, picking a pebble out of a cut, not looking up at Tony.

"Jesus, what happened to your hands?" Tony said in apparent shock.

"I slipped," Loki answered shortly.

"Can I get something for that? Antiseptic?" Tony asked.

"I'll find my own," Loki said. "Thank you for the offer."

Eventually, Loki finished cleaning and made his way towards the bathroom to fetch some medical supplies.

When Loki looked up, Tony couldn't help but notice that Loki's pupils were fully dilated, almost all green gone.

_Well, hey, fuck drug sobriety anyways._

As Loki stood in the bathroom, disinfecting his hands with a wince then tenderly applying bandages, Tony kept observing.

_His hair was mussed when he entered. His top button was done up before he left, but it's not now. And there's a faint mouth-sized mark on his neck._

_Well, hey, fuck semi-celibacy as well._

Tony couldn't help but wonder what had happened in the time since he'd seen Loki that morning. Loki hadn't been fucking around because he said it wasn't of intellectual interest to him to be nice. Which made Tony curious as to why he'd suddenly gone against that.

"Stark, the staring is becoming a tad unsettling," Loki deadpanned, not even looking away from what he was doing. His odd senses were clearly back to normal.

"Sorry," Tony said, rather than trying to explain himself. He leaned over to Loki's bag and searched around in it to see what books he had bought as a distraction.

-O.O-

Loki went to bed early, or at least, he went to his bedroom early. Tony didn't see him eat dinner, but there was a dirty plate in the dishwasher, so Tony was going to assume he'd joined in on the Chinese he'd ordered.

Loki was leaving at just after noon the next day for the Royal Bethlem Hospital, and if Tony wasn't so, well, _scared_ of Loki in his current state, and didn't know him to be so persistent in getting what he wanted, then he would've done the smart thing and tried to convince Loki not to go. He seemed to be too fragile, but Loki was always fragile in his own way.


	7. All The Madmen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki meets Farbauti.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this isn't a new chapter! I accidentally screwed it up and then fixed it and now it's notifying as a new chapter! The new chapter will be up in a few days and I'm sorry!
> 
> Also worth noting for this fic on the whole - just because Loki thinks it, doesn't make it true. Especially worth noting for this chapter.
> 
> WARNINGS: Self harm, many mentions of self harm, mentions of child abuse, mentions of rape.

Loki intentionally avoided Tony the next morning, leaving without saying a word to him all morning. He didn't want to look him in the eyes after what he'd done last night.

He'd felt Tony's presence looking over the rooftop, but he'd determinedly avoided interacting with him, because he knew if he even came close to Tony it would've been the inventor, not his hands, that ended up cracked and bloody.

Loki had walked into the apartment that evening with the intention of destroying something, and it was Tony's good fortune that Loki kept his promises.

As Loki had learned, hurting yourself was just as effective as hurting others. Even now, with an undefineable emotion that Loki had never been able to recognise welling in his chest, pressing down on the bandages on his hands for a flash of pain was helping blank it out.

_Perhaps it's apprehension, Loki thought. That would fit the circumstances._

_Fear? Unlikely._

_It's undoubtedly something negative._

_Oh, who cares. I'm not planning to address it._

Loki wriggled in his cab seat, trying to dispell the emotion while resisting the temptation to squeeze his bandages. It probably wasn't good. He tried to recall what he'd figured out as a kid about self-harm as stress release.

Trying to think about how things worked made his brain feel all...blotchy, was the best word to describe it. He could do it, sort of.

Oh, Loki knew he hadn't been thinking very well recently. He'd assumed cutting down on the drugs would clear his head as he felt his impulsiveness finally begin to take over his life, but really, it was making him worse. He'd hoped his mood would level out, and instead he'd managed to throw off his normally organised thought patterns. Trying to reverse it by almost overdosing hadn't improved anything, though it had given him the shakes at around midnight.

He was glad Stark hadn't seen that. The fear and respect he commanded from the engineer was a constant reassurance. As was the little project he had ongoing regarding the man's psyche.

And upon finding his mood no better, he'd decided to resort to his infallible cure for times when his fucked-up brain was seizing control of his rationality.

He'd once told Darcy his theory for these times; _when you wish to break someone's neck, first attempt biting it instead._

It hadn't taken him long to find a willing victim, but he'd fucked her stupid - twice in an hour, which was pretty good for a man who was getting on a little bit - and felt no better, though she'd been well and unconscious when he left.

Loki wanted to fix whatever was wrong with his brain; it was torture these days, trying to stay calm and rational and as non-belligerent as possible. Prison did not appeal to him, and the next person to call him crazy would meet a short and painful end, because he didn't like to be reminded about his gaping flaws.

That was what this quest was for, after all, was it not? Determining whether he was permanently fucked up by his father's own shitty genetics, or by the expectations of him as a child, which could be corrected.

Loki didn't know what to do if his father was just like him. He was doomed to this madness, in that case, or so he thought.

He gave into temptation and pressed down onto his bandages, the flash of pain unwinding the tightness in his chest and  helping him to relax.

-O.O-

Criminally insane patients combined two of the things that people feared most; the dangerous and the potentially unpredictable. Therefore, security wasn't loose.

Loki had to fill in a form to visit Farbauti. It probably should've been worrying that he had to list emergency contact details.

Once he handed the form back, the receptionist looked the form up and down then shot Loki a surprised look.

He'd filled out the form with his birth name, but he was still recognisably Loki Feison, and right where it said 'Relation To Patient' he'd written 'son'.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality," Loki reminded acidly.

The receptionist nodded and went to go fetch someone.

Obviously, Loki had to be checked that he wasn't at all armed, so while he was searched, a nurse debriefed him.

"He's quite a quiet patient; he doesn't talk to the others often, though he does attend group therapy when it's available. However, he has a history of attacking both patients and staff, so he's generally isolated," the nurse said.

Loki considered that. It made sense; the sooner Farbauti showed signs of being reformed and sane, the sooner he'd serve his actual sentence in a real prison, which Loki agreed was not a desirable outcome. If in this situation, Loki would go for the crazy-belligerent angle too.

"You're the first visitor he's had for years. Interest in his case died down after a while," the nurse explained as Loki tugged his blazer back on.

Loki snorted at that. "It disturbs me that there was ever interest."

"People like their violence, you know how it is," the nurse said idly.

"I do," Loki admitted.

Once they'd collected Farbauti, Loki was firmly told that since Farbauti was considered to be a risk to his safety, he'd have to visit with a security guard and there'd be someone keeping an eye on the room through a camera.

This lack of privacy didn't suit Loki, so it was fortunate that the stocky guard plugged earphones into his ears and told Loki that if he was being attacked, then he'd step in. Of course, what he was saying was being monitored by the person watching the camera (he couldn't discuss breaking Farbauti out, for example) but the illusion of privacy was there, and that was enough.

Loki walked into the visiting room. He was about to see his father in the flesh for the first time; he couldn't deny his pulse quickened a little.

Farbauti was sitting politely on the other side of the table, fiddling with his fingers, looking every part the mental patient in the strange gown he was wearing. Aside from that, though, he seemed like a proud yet beaten-down lion - he was skinny, but he was at _least_  6"7 with a hard-featured face and acid green eyes that could stare a hole through a wall. His once-brown hair was flecked with grey and there was a little stubble on his taut cheeks.

They didn't actually know how old he was - he'd just never told them, much like he'd never told them where he came from and if he had any relatives - but he had to be around sixty, give or take.

Farbauti's piercing eyes were looking Loki over thoughtfully.

"Hello," he said warily, his voice deep and harsh, his accent something Scandinavian, though faint from his many years in England. "Why are you here?"

Loki realised they hadn't told him who he was.

"My name is Loki Feison, and I'm an actor," Loki said, taking a seat without shaking Farbauti's hand. He'd been told not to touch him.

Maybe they thought crazy was contagious. If that was true, it'd be an STD and Loki would've infected half of California, or so Loki thought wryly.

"Oh," Farbauti said thoughtfully. "A character study? You don't look anything like me."

"Not quite," Loki said. His brain was whirring on overdrive as he analysed every aspect of his father's behaviour. In his current mental condition, Loki was surprised smoke wasn't coming out of his ears. "Loki Feison is my stage name. I was born Lucas Laufeysson."

The shock that covered Farbauti's face was more than real, no doubt about it. "I always wondered what you'd look like."

 _Genuine surprise, genuine delight to finally see me,_  Loki read. _He has thought of me repeatedly. There are several indicators of regret in his body language, though this is likely to not be for his crime and more likely for lost opportunities._

"You did rather squander any opportunity to find out," Loki said coolly.

Farbauti shrugged. "I lost control of the situation."

 _Control. Control is everything,_  Loki thought.  _To him and myself both._

"Tell me about yourself," Farbauti said.

_Honesty. He wants to know what I've done with my life._

"I'm nothing much," Loki admitted, which at least in his mind was fairly truthful. "An actor, primarily. A singer on occasion."

"I've seen you on television," Farbauti said. "You're far more than nothing much. I'm not convinced you're Lucas."

 _What do I want from this conversation?_  Loki wondered _. I want to know how alike we are. I just need to keep him talking._

Loki smiled as sincerely as possible. "I'm not certain what I could say to prove it to you."

"You look enough like your mother to earn you the benefit of the doubt," Farbauti said.

_Aha. Up to dear old mummy already._

The atmosphere in the room was anything but family; in fact, it was tense, and pregnant with many, many things that could be said but probably wouldn't. Apart from the security guard who was unconsciously hopping from foot to foot in time with his music.

"What can you tell me about my mother?" Loki asked. It felt strange, asking. Maybe because his want to know was sincere.

"Less than you'd think, despite our interactions," Farbauti said.

_Not a trace of guilt._

"I know she was asleep and pretty," Farbauti said with a smirk, gauging Loki's reaction.

When Loki didn't really react, except to shrug and say "That's hardly anything useful to me, as her son," Farbauti laughed out loud.

"Congratulations, kid. Either you're a damn good actor or you've inherited the proud Ymirsbarn tradition of not giving a fuck about anything."

"A tradition, hm?" Loki said. Now a little family history was something he was damned interested in. Who the Ymirsbarns actually were (much less who'd been drunk enough to spell a name that way) was pretty unknown, and hey, a bit of heritage never went amiss. "Tell me about the Ymirsbarn family; I've been raised by the white collar dullards and I'd quite like an insight into my people."

"Nal's boss, right?" Farbauti asked.

It was the first time either of them had said her name.

Loki nodded.

"You've got stellar genetics, Luke," Farbauti said dryly. "My father once punched my uncle in the stomach over a game of backgammon. He was hospitalised for stomach damage."

Loki winced, more for effect than for any real care for his great-uncle.

"I was eight and my uncle threw up blood onto one of my  _Thorkild Tyran_  books," Farbauti said. He looked completely unconcerned.

 _He's attempting to bond through both mentioning childhood and mentioning a traumatic event._   _That said, he's showing little to no emotional response to anything he's saying, except earnestness to communicate with me. He sincerely wants to befriend me._

_He also presents the same dilemma I do - he had an unpleasant upbringing that undoubtedly contributed to the evolution of his personality, but what percentage of his sociopathic personality is genetics?_

"Yes, well, our parents fuck us all up," Loki said blandly. "You've done no better, I'd like to point out."

"Haven't tried. For all you know, you could be perfectly well-adjusted if your mother had just handed you over," Farbauti snorted.

"How do you know I'm not?" Loki countered, curious.

"What happened to your hands?" Farbauti asked.

Loki hid the bandages from view. "I slipped."

Something in Farbauti's eyes mimicked what Loki saw so often in the mirror and looked through him. And he knew Loki was lying.

It was rare for Loki to meet someone he couldn't lie to.

"Pain helps. It's the normal thing to go for other people's pain," Farbauti said. "Or animals. Not usually yourself. That's stupid; go find someone to strangle. You'll feel much better, trust me."

Unfortunately, Loki had reached the same conclusion and didn't really like to think about it.

Also, this conversation was reaching the point that would soon be broken up by the guard, if they continued to discuss murder.

"I think we have different ideas as to what is suitable stress relief," Loki answered smoothly.

"I doubt it. You might have your mother's last name, but you're a Ymirsbarn; learn to live with it."

Loki shot him a glare. It was the one he saved for special occasions and it could scare your average bouncer.

"Ah, my son's first tantrum," Farbauti snorted.

"The first you've witnessed," Loki countered curtly.

Loki was, in all honesty, getting more and more confused as to both his reasons for being here and his attitude towards Farbauti, both of which had been flimsy at best.

Farbauti shrugged disinterestedly. "My one claim to good parenting skills is that I'm immune to people looking at me with something less than happiness. You should've seen my prosecution lawyer."

 _I should read the transcript of his trial,_  Loki thought.

"Tell me about the Ymirsbarns," Loki insisted.

Farbauti's green eyes flickered up to the security camera and then to the still-bopping guard. "Perhaps not everything, but I can offer you something. See, Lucas, our family used to be old money and old power, but we lost the first one to alcohol and the second one to democracy."

"Oh, democracy, the scourge of patrician classes everywhere," Loki said, with a surprising amount of good humour.

For the first time, Farbauti smiled genuinely at Loki's sarcasm. It looked strange on him, like it was something the muscles of his face had forgotten how to do.

-O.O-

After their initial terseness, Farbauti told Loki about quite a few years of family history, though with the noticeable removals of various names and places.

Farbauti's behaviour was easy to dissect. Classic psychopath. Fairly intelligent. Dry sense of humour, much like Loki. The sort of manner that someone picks up in an abusive household - a keen sense of danger and a sort of mangy toughness.

Unfortunately, as Loki picked up, the psychology student of his childhood -  _Catherine, her name was Catherine, and I discovered she was assaulted, broke two ribs and suffers now from extreme agoraphobia_  - had actually been correct, as much to his disgust. A huge number of his behavioural traits and psychological indicators matched Loki's to the letter.

_Nature vs nurture? We were raised in hugely different environments, but both of our environments forced us to develop a keen understanding of human nature and a thick shell - he with his abuse, myself with my social issues and the bullying - so the argument could still be raised that we have surface similarities in personality that were accentuated by environment._

_Justifications. I'm justifying a viewpoint that is incorrect. I know the simple truth of the matter._

_I'm fucked up._

_I'm fucked up._

_I can't fix myself without making myself something I'm not. I can't make things better with Darcy or Tony or Frigga or anyone else who cares for me when they should not._

_I can't fix up my fractured brain. I want all these bad thoughts to go away._

Even to himself, his thoughts seemed childish when he thought  _I want to be okay._

Loki had left after the family talk, saying he had somewhere to be and saying that he'd ensure he'd visit on another occasion.

Farbauti had clearly known that Loki was lying on the first count and was probably lying on the second. The only reason it was a 'probably' was because Loki himself didn't know. He didn't know if he could face him again.

After smoking what ended up being three cigarettes outside the hospital, Loki made his way into a taxi and back to his flat in a daze. His head was full of thoughts, and even pressing the cuts on his hands until the scabs broke and they started to bleed again didn't help.

It vaguely clicked for Loki that he was in his studio.

"...Okay?" Tony's voice said through the mist in his head. "Talk to me. Please."

Loki finally raised his head from where he'd been staring at piano keys. "What?" He said ineloquently.

"You've been sitting there for ten minutes," Tony said. "Are you okay? I know you don't drink, but...you need a drink? What happened?"

_You're going to fuck him up. Even having him near you is dangerous; your temper is too unpredictable. There's a chance you could've killed him last night without thinking twice._

"I'm fine," Loki lied neatly. No need to drag Tony into his mind. "A little overstimulated, perhaps. It was a rather large occasion."

"What was he like?" Tony asked.

"Exactly as you'd expect," Loki said, the honesty feeling strange in his mouth. "A psychopathic criminal that has been incarcerated for thirty years and was surprisingly delighted to meet his son."

There was something genuinely warm in Tony's eyes; Loki could see it. "Were you happy to meet him?" Tony asked.

Loki actually felt like that was a question he needed to be asked. Unfortunately he didn't have a satisfactory answer. "I'm not certain," he said. "What I am certain of is that I do need that drink you offered. I suggest I have a shower and then we go out."

_I need to get off the hospital feeling. I may belong there with all the madmen, but I'll resist that until my dying day, Loki thought._

"You don't drink," Tony pointed out.

"And why's that?" Loki asked. _Keep him practicing. Get him good at analysis._

"You're a control freak. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and you like your head nice and ordered," Tony said.

"Right now, I could perhaps do with a little fog in my head," Loki stated bluntly.

Tony shrugged. "You're the boss."

 _That's right. I am, and will always be, in control_ , Loki said, laughing at his own stupidity.


	8. I will do me harm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's in a slight daze of thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicide attempt, blood, drinking.
> 
> I DO NOT SHARE LOKI'S OPINIONS. Please stay alive; you're awesome and I shit you not, there's a better answer. Loki is full of delusional shit.

Tony watched Loki like a hawk all afternoon. He'd barely said anything about how his visit to meet his father had gone, and had been strangely out of it since his return, his head full of thoughts.

Yes, he was going out to get a drink with him at only four o'clock in the afternoon, but he was determined to stay as sober as possible and keep an eye on Loki. Just in case.

"You ready?" Tony called through Loki's bedroom door.

No answer.

Tony considered Loki. Was this what his loss of composure looked like? Loki was permanently in control and sharper than a tack. But right now, he barely even seemed lucid.

He definitely needed to keep an eye on Loki when they went out.

Loki suddenly opened the door. "Yes," he said. "Let's go."

Oh, yay.

-O.O-

Lots of places were open and willing to serve various forms of alcohol, as it turned out. Tony would've preferred, given the circumstances, that they stayed at home where Loki was more likely to behave himself, but Loki (regardless of his questionable mental health) was not an easy man to dissuade.

Tony was half-expecting Loki to walk up to the bartender and say 'I would like to order an alcohol.' That sentence was around Loki's level of attentiveness to his own speech at that moment.

Instead, Loki snapped to attention for the first time in a while, and easily said "A bourbon and lemonade, please."

"Surprised it doesn't have chocolate in it," Tony commented. "Scotch on the rocks."

"Alcohol and chocolate?" Loki said distastefully.

"Uh, yeah. They put liqueur in box chocolates, you know," Tony said. "You can mix anything with chocolate. Especially if you're a lonely college student."

"Seven years of university and yet I can proudly claim that I never mixed alcohol with chocolate," Loki said idly.

He was just smalltalking, which Tony knew, but so long as Loki was talking, it was probably not too bad.

"Try it. There's this drink that has both as well cinnamon," Tony said. "Seems like your kind of thing; a Dickhead's Delight, I think."

"My poor wounded pride; however will I recover," Loki deadpanned, accepting his drink with a nod of thanks and sipping it curiously.

"How's your teetotaling tongue taking it?" Tony asked.

"Alcohol is disgusting," Loki announced to a few odd looks from other patrons. "It's also a legal way of turning your brain into so much pudding, so it will have to do."

"That's actually not that reassuring," Tony pointed out, taking his own drink and miming a sip. "I thought your goal was to be hyperintelligent."

"On a good day, why not," Loki said thoughtfully. "It's been a while since I've had one of those."

"Well, I have no one else to talk to," Tony admitted. "What's your idea of a good day?"

"Sleep, read, fuck, sleep," Loki answered.

"That's actually not a bad idea," Tony said. "Problem is, you have to find someone to do the fucking thing with, and then they'll probably feel obliged to stick around for the rest of it."

"People," Loki said in distaste, draining his drink and signalling for another one.

"As much as I want to agree with you, I actually don't mind people that much," Tony said. "I'm not sure where you picked up this keen hatred-"

"Why do you think?" Loki said. "As my apprentice, I think that one is obvious."

"You know too much about them," Tony said automatically. "So you automatically think they're a bunch of assholes. Look, that's true, but some people have redeeming qualities. And I'm not your fucking apprentice."

"Experience would lead me to disagree," Loki said. "If you knew everything about everyone, you'd dislike them too."

"Feison, I do know a lot about people. I'm actually one myself, strange as it might sound. Don't drink that too fast, I don't want to carry your fat ass back to your flat," Tony said as Loki drank half his new drink in one go.

"You called me fat," Loki said, his eyes narrowed. "How hypocritical."

"This is muscle," Tony snorted, prodding Loki in the side for emphasis. When Loki twitched oddly, Tony laughed. "You're ticklish. I _will_ use that against you."

"If you attempt anything of the sort, Stark, I'll sell your kidneys," Loki warned.

"You'd have better luck selling my sperm. Everyone wants a genius baby," Tony grinned.

"Acquiring it could be interesting," Loki commented.

It was clear to Tony he wasn't paying attention, just speaking whatever flitted through his mind. At least he was talking, and presumably, a little distracted from his demons.

"Now, Loki, I would've thought someone would have explained this to you. When a person of undisclosed gender and another person of undisclosed gender like each other very much...." Tony said.

Loki started humming something from _The Jungle Book,_ before innocently leaning over and stealing a gossip magazine from someone's table. One of the many photos on the front was his own, so it made sense.

"I gave an interview to this magazine around a week ago," Loki said by way of explanation. "I was wondering exactly how they managed to twist my words. They do love to theorise over Darcy and I."

"You could just tell them the truth," Tony shrugged. "But in my experience they don't like it when you do that."

"They want a story, not the truth," Loki confirmed. "Aha. I told them I was taking a slight sabbatical to visit family. Apparently I'm on the verge of breaking down from exhaustion."

"Someone should tell them you don't sleep anyway," Tony chuckled.

"Someone should tell them a lot of things," Loki said, his eyes cold and tired.

"Loki..." Tony said quietly. "I get if you don't want to answer, but would you ever tell anyone about your dad? Your brain's a bit...spaghetti about it, and talking to someone can't hurt. Someone like me, hypothetically."

"Spaghetti," Loki said dryly, signalling for a new drink.

"Wiggly. It was the first word I thought of," Tony said.

That question answered, Loki looked a little ticked off. "Stark, I would rather hang myself with your ileum from a ceiling fan than ever talk to a psychologist."

"You're quite fixated with taking my organs today, aren't you?" Tony said, wriggling away from Loki slightly. "Not necessarily a psychologist. Just someone."

"No one's getting into my head," Loki insisted. He drank his new drink in one go, then got up. "Excuse me."

Loki slid off in the general direction of the bathroom, so Tony took the opportunity to read the magazine himself. He loathed these publications; they seemed to have quite the aversion to the truth. But the photos they had snapped of Loki leaving the theatre did make him look worn down. Loki's odd sense of knowing when people were near him and looking at him meant that Tony didn't often get the chance to see Loki with his guard down, but he was really starting to wonder what it looked like.

From what he could see, it just looked tired.

Tony took a sip of his drink. It wasn't the brand he liked, which was a good encouragement to not drink. Not that he would stay much longer; Loki had already had three glasses of bourbon, and with no drinking experience, he probably wouldn't last much longer.

He hoped Loki was a happy drunk. Or an affectionate one. Not a bitter one. Unfortunately, Loki so often turned out to be a bitter everything.

Loki returned in time and took a seat next to him, asking for another drink.

"Slow down, sailor," Tony said. "Baby steps; you're not experienced in this field like me."

"'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn'," Loki quoted. "I want to be drunk, I'm not here for the social enjoyment of drinking."

"Yeah, but how do you know you'll like being drunk when you're there?" Tony countered.

"You seem to enjoy it, and we're similar enough that I reasoned our experiences would be similar," Loki explained.

"I don't... _enjoy_ enjoy it. It's an addiction and alcoholics feed it. I don't do it for fun."

"But you do it to salve your wounds," Loki said. "You normally drink to forget something or to remove your inhibitions to the extent you enjoy your surroundings."

"Three glasses in and you're sharper than a tack. Oh joy," Tony sighed.

-O.O-

They stayed for as long as it took Loki to the point where he wasn't coherent, and knowing Loki's love of fostering his reputation, Tony decided to drag Loki home then.

Unfortunately, Loki didn't cheer up. Instead, as the alcohol took effect, he grew sombre and thoughtful. There was something dark in his green eyes, and it worried Tony.

Loki's obstinance meant that Tony couldn't even help. Like asking a brick wall if its mortar was okay. Especially seeing as that wall really didn't know much about how mortar was even supposed to feel.

Tony had thought of better metaphors before, but it worked.

Instead, he gave Loki a drink of water and a few preventative aspirin, and told him to sleep it off now he knew the joys of being drunk.

"Sleep well," Tony said, leaving Loki standing outside his bedroom door. Loki hadn't said a word for some time.

-O.O-

Loki knew he wasn't acting like Loki Feison, that he was acting like Lucas Laufeysson, that weak, self-obsessed child who thought everyone was out to get him. Unfortunately, it had been the kind of day that dragged Luke back into existence, and Loki couldn't banish him now he was there.

This doublethink was probably not helped by the alcohol. Loki had been expecting - hoping for - the vague feeling of wellbeing that Luke's brother had always seemed to get. But he definitely felt like it was harder to get out of his head than usual.

He didn't want to sleep. He didn't feel like he was capable of waking up again.

Instead, he went into his studio and slumped down on his piano stool, leaning his chin on his hands.

_You're just like Farbauti._

_You're going to hurt Tony. You've already made Darcy hate you._

_And you know what's the best part? You don't care, not really. You're not interested in making them feel better at all. You only want to right things because you feel like it's the normal thing to do._

_Does anyone actually care if you tear Stark's eyes out? I doubt it._

For some reason the traitorous voice in his head sounded like Luke's pre-pubescent voice.

That little asshole.

_Go on, do it. He's probably asleep. You'll feel better. Daddy said so._

Loki lifted his head to look at his own reflection. There was something cold in his face, something vicious.

He got to his feet and leaned his hands against the mirror, feeling stings of pain from the cuts on his hands.

Opening his eyes, Loki wasn't sure if he saw himself or Luke or Farbauti in his acid green eyes, but he hated all of them and he lashed out, smashing the glass with his disproportionate strength.

The unbandaged parts of his hands were cut open, and stings of pain shot up his arms.

"Unh!" Loki grunted, falling to his knees amongst shards. He wrapped his hands around a large piece, considering just shoving it through his arm.

No more introspection. No more nothing.

"Loki!" Tony shouted in shock, bursting through the door. He must've seen the blood on Loki's hands first, because he instinctively shouted "Holy fuck, Loki, who'd you stab, you psycho!?"

 _"I'm-"_ Loki shouted. _"-not-"_ he pushed the shard into his arm. _"-crazy!"_

Tony just stood there, clearly not clicking with the situation, until he snapped into action and yanked out his phone. "JARVIS, call an ambulance!" Then he leapt down to Loki's side and cradled him, pulling off his singlet and using it to tie a tight tourniquet in Loki's arm. Good thing he was an Avenger; he'd been forced into First Aid lessons that he never thought he'd need.

He couldn't take the shard out; bleeding would increase. All he could do was try and stem what was going on. A couple of hot drops on his chest said that Loki was crying.

"Hey, babe," Tony said into Loki's hair. "Fuck, I am so, so sorry. Please don't die on me. Please, I'm so sorry."

"I fucked up," Loki rasped weakly.

"Yeah, you did. But that's already in the past. Just breathe and stay with me. Oh god, stay with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.


	9. I'm not quite right at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erp, short chapter. But otherwise it would be a chapter of a strange length and thusly I broke it in half. I randomly went on holiday, so I'm sort of chilling with people instead of writing. I want to write.
> 
> WARNINGS: Discussions of suicide, injury and questionable mental health.

Loki blinked awake. The room seemed bright. Brighter than he was feeling, and so he loathed the room already.

He could hear a clock ticking and murmured voices.

"Oh god, I'm still alive," Loki muttered bitterly.

"Loki?" A voice said.

Tony's voice. That was nice.

The exhaustion that had been in his chest for months now slowly dragged him under again.

-O.O-

"Are you dead?" a childish English voice asked.

Loki sat bolt upright in alarm.

Tony startled awake. "Loki, you're up."

"Yes, uh," Loki said, looking - though he knew he wouldn't find him - for the kid. Usually when things were only in your head you couldn't see them.

"What is it?" Tony asked curiously.

"Nothing," Loki answered, feeling the lie clumsy on his tongue. He could usually do better. "Where am I?"

"Private room, Bethlem Royal Hospital," Tony said. "You nearly bled to death; they had to give you a transfusion."

 _Fuck no. I can't be here. Not back here,_ Loki thought. He tried to get up. His arm was dead and wouldn't support his weight. _Oh yeah._

"The doctor'll come and talk to you about your injury in a minute," Tony sighed. "Just...lie still. For once in your life."

"I can't move my fingers," Loki said blandly, and he was right, there was a slight twitch but no true movement.

"Again, doctor," Tony said. He rubbed his face tiredly. "Fuck, Loki. I don't know what to say. Try talking to me the next time you feel like shoving glass somewhere."

It was probably the painkillers, but Loki's mouth reacted before his brain did and he blurted "You think I'm insane. Puts a damper on things."

"I don't think you're crazy," Tony said. "I think you're overly rational and clever to the point you're not entirely stable, but nothing's wrong with you. See? I'm totally your apprentice."

Loki looked at Tony, his head blurry and confused.

"...Okay," Tony said when Loki just stared at him. "I don't have anything else to say. Don't try it again, _please._ I need you."

"You're Tony Stark. I think you'll be okay," Loki murmured.

"Yeah, well, you're Loki Feison, and I thought you'd be okay. Sometimes we're wrong," Tony pointed out.

-O.O-

Earlier, Tony had made two calls - Darcy and the Avengers.

He called the Avengers first. Natasha answered. "Tony? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine, Nat. You remember how you told Loki he's predictable?

"Yes," Natasha said, a little warily.

"How would you say he'd react when he met his psycho father for the first time?" Tony asked. He was upset and trying to make her feel bad, which was a dick move, but he was doing it anyway.

"I'd imagine a large amount of internal turmoil with a cool exterior, though he may withdraw a little. Why?" Natasha said.

"He tried to kill himself, Nat. I might be here a bit longer than I thought," Tony said.

That had certainly gotten Nat's attention. She'd called the other Avengers, who'd tried to dissect Loki's every movement, until Tony had excused himself to call Darcy.

"Darcy?" Tony said when she finally picked up.

"Yeah, what's up, T-dog? I'm never gonna call you that again, don't worry," Darcy said. "Make it quick, I'm in the middle of a surfing lesson."

"Darcy, Loki's in hospital," Tony said bluntly.

He actually heard her sigh. "You two spend more time in hospitals than you do fucking, and I think that's a waste."

"You're not taking this seriously."

"He's an attention whore, Tony."

"He tried to kill himself, Darcy, and if I hadn't been there, he would've succeeded," Tony said seriously.

"Oh," Darcy deadpanned.

"Yeah. Oh."

Tony could just hear her breathing for half a minute, before she said. "Call his brother," and told him the number.

Loki had mentioned Thor a few times, but Tony hadn't really thought of him as a real person before then, just another part of Loki's maybe-truth life.

"You aren't-" Tony began.

"I can't deal with - no, I'm not, Loki can clean up his own shit, I've had enough," Darcy said, the tremble of a sob in her voice. Then she hung up abruptly.

Surprised, Tony dialled the number she'd given him.

-O.O-

Loki had drifted off again for a while, but when he woke up, Tony told him that Thor was coming to visit.

"No," Loki breathed. "He'll invite Frigga and Odin and I am in no mood for a Burison family and Loki reunion."

"Sorry," Tony said. "It's all over the news anyway. He's worried."

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," Loki snapped. "What is the media covering?"

"I told the people at A & E that you accidentally did this when you broke a big mirror and slipped in the shards. Don't think they believed me, but it's what someone leaked to the press, and it's the big news," Tony said. He didn't mention that they seemed a hell of a lot more worried about whether Loki would still be pretty or not than whether he'd live.

Loki brought his good hand up and covered his face with it tiredly. "I'm not up to keeping my persona with the media right now."

Tony was surprised Loki had been so honest, but he shrugged and said "You're rich. You can stay here as long as you need to."

Loki didn't say anything, thinking.

"That's your doc coming. I'm guessing that you as a member of Control Freaks Anonymous don't want me here for that, so I'll be back later," Tony said, ignoring his better judgement by leaning forward to kiss Loki on the forehead before making his way out.

"Sentimental idiot," Loki glared faintly.

"That's me," Tony said dryly.

-O.O-

Loki learned quickly that he'd done serious damage to his arm, cutting a few important things - including a main artery, which was why he'd bled so much - and if he got an infection, he'd probably lose his arm. As it was, finger mobility would almost definitely return, but he'd always be stiff.

Thinking of his piano, Loki felt miserable.

"There's a more important thing we need to talk about, Mr Feison," the doctor said, her voice kindly. "The injuries on the palms of your hands were pre-existing, and despite what your companion says, I'm not convinced the injuries you're here for are accidental."

"What of it?" Loki said through slightly bared teeth.

"Well...I can't make you do anything without an admission that you have a problem, but I can recommend someone for you to talk to-"

"No," Loki said firmly.

"Okay," the doctor said patiently. "I'm adding a consultation with a counsellor to your treatment schedule, which includes physiotherapy."

Loki sighed. "Thank you," he said, a little insincerely. "I have family members visiting; I'd appreciate if I could meet them alone."

The doctor nodded and politely let herself out. She seemed nice enough, but Loki still hated her, mostly because hatred was an emotion he was good with.

Loki could hear Tony talking to someone with...well, not a shout, but just a voice that carried noise and confidence regardless of the volume at which the speaker spoke.

He'd sincerely only ever met one person with that quality.

Oh joy, the family was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also it seems fair to remind you that Darcy's been in a vaguely abusive friendship with Loki for years and yeah


	10. Just my librium and me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and the family is decidedly awkward.

Loki was singing under his breath to keep himself calm as Thor swept into the room like a ray of sunshine. He was feeling a little feverish and didn't want to see him regardless.

"Brother!" Thor said brightly, navigating himself into a hug that avoided Loki's arms and was more pressing Loki's face into his chest.

Loki narrowed his eyes when he was released. "You're lucky I'm on a substantial amount of painkillers right now, Thor."

"Don't overdo the affection, Luke," Thor snorted, taking a seat.

"I won't," Loki said coldly, wishing despite himself that Tony could come in. Tony was someone he had control over. Thor, not so much. "I'd prefer if you called me Loki."

"Despite things, you will always be Luke Burison and my little brother," Thor sighed. "I think you need to remember that more often."

"We're getting right into the deep emotional scenes already, aren't we?" Loki drawled. "And without even discussing a sex scene to loosen everyone up. A tough director, you are."

A tiny spot of pink appeared on Thor's cheekbones. Loki immediately felt better, though there was still a cloying numbness hanging over him.

"In any case," Loki continued. "Are Odin and Frigga making an appearance?"

"They were planning to visit, yes," Thor said.

"Can you prevent them from doing so?" Loki asked.

"I can and I will not," Thor said. "Luke, I haven't seen you for...four years now, and that was-"

"Do _not_ call me Luke," Loki growled.

Thor looked mildly annoyed as he continued. "That was only for a short time, and I miss you."

"By my design," Loki said. "Our connection was that I once thought you to be my brother. Now that tenuous link is broken, I don't see why you insist in being around."

"I am around because even if you're not my brother by blood, I enjoy you as a person," Thor said as though explaining why dogs barked to a child. Then he smiled. "Fortunately, you don't seem like you can move particularly quickly at the moment, so I think I will stay here."

Loki just glared and childishly pulled the finger at him with his undamaged right hand. The other one still wasn't moving.

Thor laughed at that a little, and against every instinct in his body the corner of Loki's mouth quirked up in a tiny smile.

Taking a seat, Thor just sat there peacefully. Loki was really too tired to bother protesting.

"How's Jane?" Loki finally asked.

"Very well," Thor said with a warm grin that Loki was actually bothering to ask. "We are trying for a son."

"Not a daughter?" Loki asked wryly.

"Well-"

"What will you do if you get one?" Loki said sharply. "I took a genetics paper and I can assure you that the odds are not against it."

They both kind of knew what Loki was implying. _If your child is not what you wanted it to be, will you treat it the same?_

"Any child of mine would be well loved, regardless of who they are," Thor answered, a slight growl in his tone. "They would not turn out like..."

_Like you._

Loki closed his eyes and let his head fall back.

 _Well, I suppose I cannot be too surprised; Thor was the first person to decide I was crazy_ , Loki thought resignedly. _Maybe if I pretend to go to sleep he'll fuck off._

To be honest, his head was a little too foggy and hot to look too closely into things. It was actually a pretty nice feeling. But dropping out of the movie business to become a full-time heroin addict really wasn't that appealing.

Loki registered that Thor was still talking about something or the other, but he really wasn't listening. Instead he stared at his left hand, trying to move his fingers. They twitched, just a little.

He vaguely registered that he still feeling feverish and now a little needy, in a way.

_How long has it been since I've had a fag?_

People were generally against smoking in hospital.

"Can you get Stark?" Loki said suddenly, breaking Thor from his speech.

"Do you need something?" Thor asked.

"I need to get up," Loki replied.

Thor's eyes briefly flicked to the bathroom.

Loki shook his head. "I want a smoke. It's my arm that's crippled, not my legs; I should be allowed to go for a wander."

"I think I can do that," Thor said, reaching to wrap an arm around Loki's back and help him up.

Loki resisted at first, but then gave in. He wanted a cigarette more than he wanted to push Thor away, and that was saying something. His legs wobbled like a baby deer's as his feet first touched the ground, having barely moved them for the last day.

Once he was moving under his own steam, Loki leaned into his cabinet with his things in it and retrieved a pack of cigarettes from where they were tucked away. He wiped away a spot of blood from the packet and put it and his lighter in his pocket.

"Loki," Thor said. It was the first time he'd ever used that name with no hint of mockery in his voice. "What happened to you?"

"A shard of my favourite mirror ended up in my arm," Loki answered, neatly evading the question as he made his way towards the door.

"You're not yourself," Thor said.

"And isn't that a relief," Loki deadpanned.

"I wouldn't think so," Thor frowned. "I was never as kind as I could have been when we were younger, but children will be children. I've grown up; have you?"

 _Well, I'm having auditory hallucinations of my younger self, does that count?_ Loki thought. _At least I know they're hallucinations. In any case, I should keep walking and ignore Thor. He seems to be in a receptive mood to ill treatment._

"Babe?" Tony asked, coming out of the waiting room. "Where're you going?"

"Nicotine withdrawal can go fuck itself," Loki said. He did actually feel rather unwell.

"Shit, I forgot about that. You need a hand?" Tony said.

"My legs are fine," Loki replied acidly. It was only another ten metres to the smoking deck. He could do it.

"Luke!" Someone said.

Quick footsteps, then Loki was engulfed in another hug. He was tempted to fight it, but a sweet smell that he'd never forgotten in his 32 years filled his nostrils and he decided he could just lose this one battle. Frigga seemed genuinely happy to see him.

Loki was beginning to wonder why he fought everyone all the time. He'd tried to give up once and Tony had stopped him.

 _Solution: don't let Tony around if I decide it's a necessary evil again._ People cared too much.

He was confused as to why, at least when it was about him.

Loki had always understood the psychological reasons people couldn't help but be in his circle, but even with that, he just didn't get why people liked someone like him.

He made conversation with Frigga, just small talk, as he made his way out to the balcony and had a smoke. Tony didn't come out, evidently deciding it was family time.

"How does your arm feel, Luke?" Frigga said kindly.

"I can't move my fingers and there will be permanent scarring," Loki deadpanned. "Fortunately, I'm well-dosed on painkillers."

"Hm...how's Darcy?" Frigga asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Loki said, blowing a smoke ring.

He liked smoke rings.

"Have you split up again?" Frigga said.

"We were never dating," Loki said shortly. "Odin, I note you're being eerily quiet. Are you ill?"

"Just looking at how you've grown," Odin said, surprisingly warmly.

Loki rolled his eyes and sighed.

They stood there in silence for a while. Loki was one of the few people who could really carry a silence; most people cracked, but then, Loki wasn't most people.

Frigga and Thor just seemed to be happy to be near him.

Taking a deep breath, unsure why he was saying it, Loki tapped ash from the end of his cigarette and said "Farbauti's in this hospital, you know."

A moment, then Frigga said "Yes, I know."

"I visited him yesterday," Loki said.

"How - how was he?" Frigga said.

"Bugfuck crazy," Loki said honestly.

Odin looked like he was about to reprimand Loki for his language, but the atmosphere was just too tense for something so normal.

"I'm sorry, Luke," Frigga said. "I wish you had just been born our son."

"I wish I had never been born," Loki answered honestly. He stubbed out his cigarette on the concrete deck with more aggression than was perhaps necessary, then stalked back inside.

It seemed like none of the Burisons could actually think of anything to say. Thor clearly wanted to be five again and play around with his tiny little sibling. Frigga wanted to tuck him in with a chocolate biscuit. And Odin?

Odin looked like he wanted to apologise.

Loki didn't want more people to care about him; it was a bad idea.

"I think I'd quite like to get some sleep," Loki said as he got into bed with a dead arm. He'd been in hospital a full day. It was surprising the withdrawal hadn't set in a lot sooner, but he had been sleeping and medicated for most of the day, and he was feeling unwell anyway.

"We will visit again tomorrow, then," Thor said a little awkwardly.

Loki nodded, putting up with Frigga hugging him again and telling him to be strong. For her.

Odin patted Loki on the shoulder sympathetically, or maybe apologetically, or perhaps simply in pity, as he left.

Tony came in later, bringing him a pile of books.

"They're gone already?" He asked.

Loki wasn't sure what he thought of his family, in all truth.

-O.O-

_They'll be back tomorrow._

_I have a counselling session tomorrow._

_I'm getting out of here._

The next morning, Loki simply checked himself out and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now this first half is over
> 
> _We can get down to the real emotional shit_
> 
> _Hahaha_


	11. I'd rather stay here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's back at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late; I've had a genuinely toxic week and that tends to suck the will to write out of you.
> 
> As you may see, there's an actual chapter count on this now. 2spoopy. Consider it subject to change.
> 
> (Also friendly reminder to those who don't remember or didn't read Can't Help Thinking About Me: Eleanor Rigby was the first song Loki ever sang)
> 
> WARNINGS: Blunt discussion of suicide, hella morbid jokes, mentions of the Irish Potato Famine, which might be a sensitive subject. Anything that involves mass death often is, so I respect that.

It was about 8 in the morning, Loki had gotten a cab to his flat, and he was currently standing outside his own apartment door trying to remember how keys worked.

He had his set of keys. He couldn't remember which one opened the door, and his brain was currently not telling him. Eventually he gave up and knocked on the door.

Tony threw the door open immediately, fully dressed and on his way somewhere. He walked right into Loki, who flung out his left hand to save himself from falling over. His fingers didn't move, hitting uselessly against the doorframe, and he fell onto his ass with a growl.

"Loki?!" Tony said in shock when he saw the actor. "What're you doing here? I was just coming to visit you."

Tony was more than a little confused. Loki looked somehow paler than usual, like getting to the apartment had been an enormous struggle, and his arm was still heavily bandaged. No chance in hell that any doctor had said it was okay for Loki to leave.

"I had a counselling appointment today," Loki said shortly, climbing to his feet awkwardly and brushing imaginary dust off himself. He didn't pay for such a nice apartment to have a dusty corridor. "I told you; I would rather hang myself with your ileum from a ceiling fan than ever talk to a psychologist."

"So instead of politely declining, you checked yourself out of hospital, cutting off all your access to medical supplies and care."

"Yes. And what are you going to do about it?" Loki said. "Get out of my doorway."

"Your arm's going to hurt like a bitch when the painkillers wear off," Tony said, reluctantly letting Loki into his own apartment.

"I have two bottles of Vicodin in my bathroom cabinet," Loki said casually. "That should be sufficient."

Tony did find that a little odd. "Isn't that stuff prescription?"

"Yes, I think so," Loki replied, lying on the couch and picking up a book he'd been halfway through.

"...Where'd you get it?" Tony asked cautiously.

"Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies," Loki deadpanned.

Tony was worried. Very worried. There wasn't a chance in hell he'd actually be able to make Loki go back to the hospital, but there also wasn't a chance in hell he could handle Loki in his current state, even with some fairly powerful painkillers on hand.

And if Loki was in pain - which he no doubt would be, because he did have a stab wound that went almost all the way through his arm, and they tended to smart - he'd be in a worse mood than usual, which would make moving him back to the hospital even more difficult.

He wondered if Darcy had any tips for making Loki do something he didn't want to do.

"What about changing dressings and stuff?" Tony said, clinging on to something. "You could get an infection or something."

Loki ignored him, speed-reading his book.

"Loki, come on. I can barely look after myself. I can't look after you if something goes wrong," Tony said.

Loki finally put the book down and looked at him, eyes blazing.

"Anthony Edward Stark," Loki hissed. "I was in that hospital because I decided to kill myself, and I failed. If something does indeed 'go wrong', you have my permission to leave me to die here and make your escape back to New York."

Point taken. Loki was probably at a point where he didn't want help, and he was an adult; Tony couldn't force him to do anything, not really.

"I'll keep that in mind," Tony said. "You need to eat?"

"No," Loki answered.

"Big surprise," Tony said with a sigh.

-O.O-

Tony eventually went out to quickly get something from that arty cafe he'd visited on his first morning. When he came back, munching the first of two scones - they were damn good, actually - Loki had removed himself from the couch, leaving his book behind. Tony could hear the occasional note from the piano in the studio.

As he wandered in, wincing at the mess of shards of mirror on the floor, speckled with blood, that he still hadn't cleaned up, Loki played the first several notes of the right hand of Scott Joplin's _The Entertainer._

_When the curtain is going up..._

Tony didn't think he'd made much noise, but Loki still knew he was there. "What was the first song you ever sung, Stark?" He asked.

"You mean the first song I remember singing?" Tony said.

Loki shook his head. "The first musical string of words to ever leave your lips."

"I dunno, probably a nursery rhyme or something. You want a scone?" Tony said. "I have two."

"Frigga said I never sang a note as child," Loki said ignoring him as he looked ponderously at the keys of the piano. "She couldn't make me. I never sang until university."

Tony wasn't actually sure what he could say to that. For one, he didn't see how it was relevant.

"I didn't realise I'd enjoy it," Loki said, and maybe he was really just talking to himself.

Then Loki started playing a melody with his functional right hand and started singing to himself; not very loud, more as an afterthought than anything else.

 _"Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been; lives in a dream. Waits at the window, wearing a smile that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for?"_ Loki sang softly.

Tony didn't know the significance of the song, but it seemed cruelly metaphysical of his current state.

Well, why the hell did Loki always put on a brave face?

 _"All the lonely people; where do they all come from? All the lonely people; where do they all belong?"_ Loki continued.

If Tony noticed that Loki was trembling slightly, then he didn't say anything.

-O.O-

Later, at around lunchtime, Loki was woken from where he'd been sleeping by a phone call.

Tony hadn't actually been expecting Loki to fall asleep on the couch while reading, but evidently life recently had taken a lot out of him. As Tony had noticed after the whole Hydro-Man debacle, Loki looked scarily peaceful when sleeping.

But now he'd been startled awake by his ringtone _("People stared at the makeup on his face...")_ and was walking into his studio to answer the call, closing the door behind him.

Tony couldn't help himself; he crept up to the door, listening through the wood.

"No, I decided to leave," Loki said. "I'm more than healthy, just a little beaten-up."

 _Liar, pants on fire,_ Tony thought.

"No, I do not," Loki answered. "I have medical supplies and painkillers here."

A pause, then Loki said "Yes, I can. It would probably do me good."

Another silence. "I know people think I'm dead. I can assure you, I'm really not."

Tony wondered who he was talking to.

After another silence, Loki said "Yes, I will be there. Forewarning; I'll have a guest, and they're not female."

Whoever was on the phone said something that made Loki chuckle a little. "No, I know. There's a limit."

More time, then "Yes. I will."

Then he hung up the phone and went back to idly plinking at the piano with his good hand.

Tony didn't know what the conversation had been about, but he was worried about the fact that Loki had evidently promised to be somewhere, and that Loki was bringing a guest, who seemed to be him.

Which could only be bad. It was hard enough worrying about Loki within the confines of the apartment.

Deciding to be blunt about it, Tony pushed his way into the studio. "Loki, where are you taking me, and are you sure this is a good idea?"

If Tony had been expecting Loki to be angry about him eavesdropping, he was sorely disappointed. "Who said I was inviting you?"

"You think you have any other friends, Lady Stardust?" Tony snorted. "C'mon."

"I don't want other friends," Loki hissed, and maybe Tony should've stopped mocking someone who seemed seriously fucked in the head right then.

"Point taken. Anyway, when and where are we going?" Tony asked.

"My publicist wants me to go to an awards dinner tonight to ostensibly prove I'm still alive," Loki said.

"Well? Are you?" Tony asked.

"A little," Loki said wryly. "Not too much. I wouldn't want to go overboard."

Tony managed a bitter chuckle. "Black humour's the best humour."

"A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide," Loki said with the air of one telling a joke. "The librarian said: 'Fuck off, you won't bring it back'."

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?" Tony said. "None. See, I know something about this country."

"That's Ireland."

"Yeah, but the English were the ones withholding the potatoes," Tony said.

"I can't be blamed for that."

"It was _your_ ancestors," Tony pointed out.

This was weird. Almost a companionable banter.

"Ah, but my family comes from Scandinavia," Loki said, decidedly straight-faced.

"What about your mother?" Tony said, and when Loki didn't answer immediately, he said "Yeah. You withheld potatoes. You know it."

Loki's serious expression broke and he laughed, actually laughed sincerely. It was an infectious, cackling _ehehe_ that made Tony grin too.

Potato withholding.

Loki was laughing and freely talking about his biological parents over _potato withholding._

Sometimes the little things really did help.

But Tony couldn't help but feel that Loki was doing the thing again, the thing where he put on a bright, cheerful face in an attempt to convince Tony that sticking around was worth it. If the morning's musical adventure had proved anything, it was that Loki wasn't okay, and laughing at terrible jokes kind of came under the umbrella of being an actor.


	12. They're all as sane as me

Despite his questionable mental state, Loki tidied himself up with great ease for the evening.

Tony was determined to at least fuck his life up in style, so he followed Loki's lead and made himself red carpet worthy. By the time they'd finished primping, they looked pretty fantastic. It was Tony's good luck he'd actually brought formalwear.

As Tony emerged from his bedroom, Loki looked him over critically.

"Oh, what? I look great," Tony said irritably.

Silently, Loki pointed him at the bathroom.

Tony followed obediently because he didn't want to make Loki angry, especially seeing as there were sharp things in the bathroom.

"You don't have the kind of face for overly formal," Loki scolded, mussing Tony's surprisingly tidy hair and taking some of his own hair product from a little blue pot to spike it upwards.

Fashion advice wasn't quite what Tony had expected, but okay. No formal hair.

Loki rinsed the product from his fingers, lightly sprayed hairspray in Tony's hair, and put a pair of black leather gloves on to cover his bandages. His bad hand didn't cooperate much, and Tony had to help him, much to Loki's annoyance.

Once they were in a taxi, Tony voiced a thought that had been tugging at the back of his mind.

While Tony could accept that Loki was fucked in the head, Loki's kind of crazy - that Tony knew about - wasn't the suicidal type. He enjoyed hurting other people, but generally not himself; in fact, in the past, he'd avoided that.

But something had struck Tony. "You're not enjoying this, are you?" He asked.

"Mm?" Loki said unsmilingly, raising an eyebrow.

"Fact: you're a sadomasochist. Fact: you seem utterly unconcerned about how completely fucked you've made your arm," Tony said, not making eye contact with Loki. "Are you enjoying this?"

"You tell me," Loki said, an expectant note in his voice.

"Okay," Tony said unsurely. If Loki wanted him to do the psychoanalysis game, he would, because he'd either be right or Loki might just correct him. "I saw you hurting your hands on the rooftop," he began, wondering if that was a surprise to Loki. When the other man didn't react, Tony said "And you were doing that to release stress. I still don't know what about. You'd just had sex - and again, I don't know why - so it wasn't doing anything for you much. And later, when you did in your arm, I yet again don't know what you were up to, but you were drunk and you melted down first, so in conclusion, probably not a kinky thing."

Loki's face twitched ever so slightly, before he neatly slid a smile into place and said "Listening to you talk like that is _still_ better than any sex, drugs or alcohol ever could be."

That was one of the first times Tony had actually, physically _seen_ Loki put on a mask.

Proof that he did consciously do it and wasn't just creepily soulless was maybe a little reassuring. "I dunno, Loki. If you combine all three at once it's quite a kick."

"I've tried the sex and drugs mixed together; I suppose leaving out a bottle of some miscellaneous alcohol would be rather remiss."

"Damn straight. There's no point in having an orgy if you don't do it properly," Tony snorted.

"Oh, I could teach you a thing or two about orgies," Loki said, but he looked distant, and Tony knew he'd gotten to him.

Good. Tony wanted to get to him. He wanted Loki to drop that stupid facade of 'I'm okay,' and just let Tony help him. Unfortunately, Loki seemed to think receiving help was a sign of weakness.

After a moment, Tony asked "What's our reason for why I'm turning up with you?"

"Oh, I'm certain I'll think of something," Loki said, which didn't reassure Tony at all.

-O.O-

A very important question struck Tony as they got closer to the venue. "Where the hell are we going?"

"Film awards," Loki answered. "Lower key than the BAFTAs, but still not a bad place to make an appearance."

"Are you going to win anything?" Tony asked.

"No," Loki said. "I've not been nominated for anything. However, I can at least pretend I care about other people in this field."

"Yeah, that always goes over well," Tony said.

In a moment, they'd pulled up to the front of the building, the path between them and the door lined with people clutching cameras. "Ready?" Loki asked.

"I was born ready," Tony said, preparing to get out of the car.

He wasn't expecting Loki to take his hand and pull him out of the car, an absolutely irisdescent smile taking over his face.

"Mr Feison!" and "Loki!" came at them from all angles, as well as a hundred and one questions that all blurred together. And then people noticed Tony, noticed that Loki was holding hands with him, and the questions became louder and addressed to the both of them.

Loki waved, or more accurately, sort of moved his bad hand from side to side in the air. His sleeve slid down a little and Loki promptly put his hand down, trying not to expose his bandage.

As they made their way to the door, they answered only two questions:

"Mr Feison! Is it true that your hospital stay was due to exhaustion?"

"Tony! Is your presence here confirming that you're in a relationship with Loki Feison?"

Loki answered the first with a rather smoothly charming "Not quite; I was misfortunate enough to cut myself on a broken mirror. I'm fine now, just a little sore."

A _little_ sore. Huh. All Tony really knew was that he'd heard a pill bottle rattle from Loki's ensuite earlier in the day.

And the second was answered by Tony saying a firm "No," and Loki not making any gesture except letting go of Tony's hand and instead running a hand along the small of his back.

 _I'm fucking this guy_ was the general implication.

Tony was pissed off, but he didn't say anything, just accepted it as the kind of shit Loki pulled and kept moving, ignoring any more questions. He'd sort it out with Pepper later.

 _Just keep your head down and don't let Loki fuck anyone over,_ Tony thought. _Especially not himself._

It was a slightly odd experience for Tony, being out in society and trying to keep everything as low key (Tony thought that pun was hilarious) as possible. Usually that was Pepper's job.

After studiously ignoring more questions, mostly about Tony's presence (because if two famous people were dating, then that was definitely something that needed to be reported by any means possible) the pair of them took seats at the end of a row, trying to mesh into the crowd.

Loki leaned over and murmured to Tony in French "I would rather like the reporters to go die in a tragic milk tank rollover."

Tony flinched. "How long have you been able to speak French?" He asked.

"It is taught in primary school," Loki replied, still in French.

"And now you use it to threaten the general public?"

"Or thereabouts, yes."

"How come you're so ridiculously artistically talented and you have a science brain? It's not fair," Tony said.

"We can only blame my excellent genetics," Loki replied dryly, and okay, maybe being crazy was a pretty good exchange for being talented.

It took a while for people to stop milling around and head in the general direction of the seating, but when they did, the awards started. Tony recognised a few names, watched some familiar faces walk up on stage, remembered that he'd slept with two of them - ah, happy days - and tried to not make sarcastic comments or wriggle impatiently too much. It was hard.

Occasionally he glanced over to Loki, who had a calculating look on his face, as though he was reading every person that walked on stage like a book. Maybe he was; maybe he kept an index in his brain of his evaluations of every person he'd ever met.

Tony had low opinions of awards anythings. They went on and on and he had no patience. Instead of listening to the names and prizes that started to wash over him after a while, he started to watch Loki.

It wasn't creepy, anyway. Loki watched him.

And then he noticed that Loki's eyes weren't focused and his good hand was trembling ever so slightly, regardless of how serious and attentive his face looked.

"Loki?" Tony whispered. Loki didn't twitch.

Right then, a dark-haired kid of about five years or so - his older sister had been on stage and he'd shouted loudly, it had almost been cute - wandered up to Loki.

The kid tugged on Loki's pants leg and said quietly "Mr Loki, can you sign my-"

Loki looked down at the child and jumped back as far as he could in his seat, his eyes wide and panicked. Then he took a deep, intentional breath, though it was a little stilted and sounded panicky.

"Stark," he said in the quietest of whispers. "Can you see that?"

"A kid wants your autograph. Yes, I can see that," Tony whispered back, confused.

"Yes, but can you see me?" Loki said.

"...Yes," Tony said warily. The child was looking quite worried by this point.

"How is that possible?" Loki said.

"That you could be sitting here, perfectly visible, and a kid could also be here, asking for your autograph?" Tony said, completely puzzled by this point.

"But Luke is _me_ and there can't be two of me, can there?" Loki whispered panickedly.

And then it hit Tony that when Loki asked if he could see him, he was talking about the child. The kid looked nothing like Loki, now or younger, apart from dark hair, but evidently Loki was seeing him as himself. As Luke.

Which was weird, but hey, Tony had been thinking earlier that Loki wasn't the usual crazy.

"Yeah, it is weird," Tony said soothingly, taking Loki's hand and leading him out of his seat. He mumbled an apology to the confused child and directed Loki out of the hall.

Loki was still trembling slightly, and he didn't seem to register Tony's presence again. As soon as he was clear of the hall, he started walking in tight little circles, looking like he was thinking about something.

"Loki?" Tony said again, trying to get his attention.

Loki whirled to face him. "But you _could_ see that. I didn't imagine it."

"Yeah, whatever. Look, I think you should go home and get some sleep."

Loki shook his head. "I just need a moment, then I will return to my seat."

"Hell no," Tony said. "You're going home. It's boring as hell out there anyway."

Loki scowled at him and made for the door back into the hall.

"Don't act like a rebellious teen," Tony hissed, reaching out to pull Loki back. He grabbed the wrong spot on Loki's arm and Loki's whole body went rigid in pain, but he managed to refrain from making a noise. "Also, you need more painkillers. For fuck's sake, stop being such a stubborn ass and _come home."_

Tony didn't doubt that Loki knew it was in his best interests to go home, but that would mean surrendering to Tony and that was a little too much to ask for. Loki's brain was permanently stuck on 'dominant', or so it seemed.

"Fine. Fine!" Tony said. "We'll go back in there. Just a warning, though, I'll probably be so wound up by staying up late at these awards that I think I'll teach myself the piano later. You just hit randoms keys until it sounds nice, right?"

Loki's face twitched in distaste. "You win, Stark."

-O.O-

Tony excused them by talking to a few people who knew Loki and saying that Loki's arm was paining him. He was actually fairly certain that Loki's arm had nothing to do with anything.

Loki was cracking up. Tony could see that. He just wasn't entirely sure why.

Also, the seeing-younger-version-of-yourself thing was a bit odd.

On the taxi ride home, Loki didn't say a word, or even seem to be grounded completely in reality, because his eyes weren't focused again.

"Hey," Tony said. Loki didn't react, so Tony took his hand and squeezed it lightly.

Loki didn't pull away, but he did drop his head back and mumble something about really wanting painkillers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just wondering...would anyone be interested in a meta of what's up with Loki and why I wrote him how I did? I'd post it on Tumblr or maybe on here when this fic is over.


	13. Where can the horizon lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's hella not stable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, kiddiwinks, this is what I'm doing instead of studying!
> 
> WARNINGS: Frickity fracking around with prescription medication, a little bit of gore, a bit of violence, and cuddles. This fic in a nutshell.

As soon as they arrived back at the apartment, Loki vanished into his bedroom without a backwards glance. Tony gave him half an hour to sort his life out before heading in there after him to check he was okay. The hallucinations were a worry, as was the whole attempted suicide dealie.

He pushed open the door, surprised to find it unlocked, and walked in to see Loki slumped across his neatly made bed, still fully dressed.

"LokI!" Tony said in alarm, lunging forward onto the bed and rolling him onto his back.

Loki's green eyes blinked sleepily at him. "Mm?"

"Oh, thank god," Tony breathed. He kind of realised, then, that he was straddling Loki, and he shuffled off him. Loki didn't even seem to notice.

"Holy shit, Loki, how much did you take?" Tony asked.

Loki blinked at him a few times, then raised his hands and tried to gesture the number. After staring at his unmoving hand for a moment, he looked confused and gave up.

"A shittonne," Tony summarised. "Right. Don't fall asleep. Wait it out."

"Gotcha," Loki said, the slang sounding odd to Tony's ears.

Tony went and sat with his back against the headboard, looking around Loki's room. He hadn't been in there before.

It was decidedly bland, full of books and a few awards and two diplomas, and looked shockingly impersonal. The only personal touches were the green feature wall and the two photos, which were on a bookshelf and Tony couldn't see very well.

Loki was decidedly odd. He was awake, in a dull, blank kind of way; a lower form of consciousness, or something.

Tony wondered if it felt nice.

Unconsciously, Tony lowered his hand and began stroking Loki's hair. Loki didn't seem to register it.

"Is there any way you could be happy?" Tony asked him. "I mean, without hurting people. You're wired funny like that."

"Don't think so," Loki mumbled. "Tried."

"You'd make a good villain," Tony noted. "Or a spy, or something all full of lies and explosions. I think being an actor isn't enough for you."

"MI6 offered me a job when I left Guildhall," Loki replied. Tony was surprised that Loki was willingly telling him all this. "Turned them down."

"Agent Loki. It has a ring to it," Tony snorted, still running his fingers through Loki's thick hair.

Loki rolled back onto his side, effectively snuggling Tony's leg.

"Vicodin makes you affectionate. Duly noted," Tony said. He quite liked having a cute, drug-addled Loki cuddling up to him, messed up a situation as it was.

"You're fucked up, you know that, Loki? You were even before this recent breakdown. You literally thrive on the suffering of others," Tony said. "And now you're just bugfuck."

"Isn't it fantastic," Loki said dryly.

"Is it fun being stoned out of your skull?"

"Oh, _yes,_ " Loki said sarcastically. "I'm exactly where you want me; such joy I feel."

"Why would I want you almost drooling on my leg?" Tony said confusedly. "I'm getting no more pleasure out of this than you are, believe me."

Loki didn't seem to be listening. "The great consummate individual, Loki Feison, brought low. My powerplay dissolves and you are free to wield your superiority."

"I'm not wielding anything," Tony said. "You sure are paranoid, babe."

"I'm only paranoid because everyone's out to get me," Loki said wryly.

"That's the spirit," Tony sighed, gently working out a little knot in Loki's hair.

They laid there in silence for a bit, Tony occasionally nudging Loki to keep him awake.

"You still hallucinating?" Tony finally asked.

"If you're not actually here, then yes," Loki replied. "I'm beginning to think your presence is a figment of my imagination."

That surprised Tony. "No, I'm definitely here."

"You'd say that anyway," Loki muttered.

"I'm confiscating your drugs."

"I'd like to see you try."

Tony slid off the bed and headed into Loki's ensuite. "Not following me? Oh yeah, that's right, you took too much." He went through the various cabinets in the room, but didn't find anything. "You bastard, where'd you put 'em?"

"In the box of bandages," Loki said sleepily.

The honesty surprised Tony, and he opened the box of plasters to find a few bottles of prescription medication, which he confiscated.

He headed out and chucked them in his own suitcase, before returning to keep an eye on Loki.

On his way in, he looked at the two photographs framed on the bookshelves.

The first was of a much younger Loki and Thor, in their mid or late teens - Tony couldn't believe how spindly Loki looked - dressed very formally and with a girl on their respective arms. Thor was escorted by a tall, beautiful and willful-looking woman who was trying to quash her smile, and Loki was escorted by a pretty, Hermione-like girl who was grinning ear-to-ear. Loki was halfway smiling too, but Tony recognised it as a more mischievious smile than genuine joy.

Tony wondered what the occasion had been, and who the girl was.

The second photo was more intriguing - it featured younger versions of Loki and Darcy. Darcy was laughing, and Loki had a similar smile to the first picture, but a little happier. They were clearly inside a small room or trailer, and Tony figured it was probably around when Loki had met Darcy. Darcy's arm was outstretched, taking the photo, and the other was around Loki's waist.

They looked so _happy._ For all the psychoanalysis Loki had been pushing him into recently, Tony didn't think he'd ever fully understand their relationship. Apparently, they hated each other, but they rarely acted like it.

"Who're the two girls in this photo, Lokes?" Tony asked.

"Mm?" Loki hummed. "Darcy and myself, but I'm not a girl."

"The other photo."

"Oh. Thor, Sif, Sigyn and I," Loki said.

"The people you hang out have really weird names," Tony said idly as he examined the picture more closely. "Which one's your date?"

"Sigyn," Loki said.

"I'm guessing by the corsages and the presence of your brother that it was a school thing?" Tony said.

In the time it took Tony to finish that sentence, Loki had dozed off again. Tony took the photo, sat back on the bed and nudged him awake. "Loki. Don't fall asleep."

"Go fuck yourself," Loki mumbled.

"I gotta say, it's pretty tempting," Tony said dismissively.

"I don't know why you're doing this," Loki continued.

Tony reached down to stroke Loki's hair again and realised his skin had a sheen of sweat. That probably wasn't good, but the room was rather warm.

"I'm doing this because you said I was your friend and I'm a sucker like that," Tony said, rolling Loki onto his back to take off his rumpled suit jacket.

"No. Don't know why I'm seeing you."

"I'm _not_ a hallucination," Tony insisted.

"Mm-hm," Loki said. "I can't prove that."

Tony sighed and lay down next to Loki. "You really think I'm not real."

"I'm not _certain_ that you're real," Loki corrected.

Something suddenly occurred to Tony then. Loki didn't think Tony was even real and was answering his questions with disturbing honesty. He could push that.

His initial squirm at the morality of the situation was quashed by the simple thought: _well, what would Loki do if the situations were reversed?_

Loki would drag every unwilling word from between his lips.

"Loki," Tony said. "Why do you push Darcy like you do?"

"Hm?"

"You push Darcy away from you. Do you actually want her gone?"

"No," Loki answered.

"Why, then?"

"I don't want to hurt her anymore," Loki murmured.

"Then just _don't,"_ Tony said.

"Wow, I never thought of that," Loki said sarcastically. "Such wise advice you so freely dispense."

Tony sat there for a moment, pondering that. When he was trying hard, Loki could be nice. But when he was stressed or upset - and gossip magazines indicated Loki had been both recently - then he was indiscriminantly vicious, and gods help the people around him, which was mainly just Darcy.

For a moment there, while he was always sympathetic towards the shit Darcy got put through, he felt sorry for Loki too; the actor couldn't seem to control himself, and he watched everyone around him burn because of it.

"How do you actually feel about Darcy?" Tony asked, wondering if he was pushing too far.

"I don't know," Loki mumbled. "She's Darcy."

Darcy was the only constant person in Loki's life, even if they didn't see each other for months, as had been the case when Tony first met both of them.

"Is all this crazy because Darcy's leaving?" Tony said.

Loki didn't answer; his eyes had slipping shut again. Tony flicked him on the cheek. To his surprise, Loki didn't even comment about the face-touching situation.

"Is it?" Tony pressed.

"I don't know," Loki repeated. "I'm 'bugfuck', remember? What would I know?"

It seemed to Tony that Loki's head was ever so slightly clearer, or at least he was speaking better.

"Sorry," Tony said. "Look, just tell me what's going on in your head."

"I. Don't. Know." Loki said. His previously slack facial expression was starting to coalesce into something like annoyance. Tony wanted to avoid that at all costs.

"How does your arm feel?" Tony asked quickly, changing the subject.

Loki brought his bad arm up to his face and stared at it. "Sticky," he decided after a while.

"'Kay, stay there," Tony said. He reached over Loki and started to unwrap his bandage. He had a nasty feeling that if he didn't look after Loki's injury, no one would.

Eventually he got down to the actual absorbent bit over the stitches, which Tony was seeing for the first time. He peeled it away, sticky with a few spots of blood and a light yellow with plasma. Matching the piece of glass, the slice in Loki's arm was around 10cm long and held together with neat little stitches. There were more inside, dissolvable ones that helped with the fact the shard of the mirror had nearly gone all the way through Loki's arm.

He fetched a facecloth and some disinfectant from the bathroom and gently wiped the stitches clean. Loki was half-asleep again.

"You are a ridiculous human being," Tony said tiredly. "Don't take that the wrong way; sometimes I even like you."

"Isn't that sweet," Loki murmured. "What are you doing?"

"Cleaning your arm," Tony said.

"Stop that," Loki hissed, trying to tug away, but failing.

"Why? You can get gangrene, get your arm cut off?" Tony said, beginning to redress his arm. "Wouldn't that be fun."

"Stop - _mothering_ me," Loki said weakly.

Ah, the old powerplay.

"Not tonight, motherfucker," Tony said with a little chuckle as he finished rolling Loki's bandage on.

Loki dozily swatted at him with his other hand. He missed Tony and ended up sort of high-fiving himself. As much as he wanted to burst out laughing, Tony kept a somewhat straight face.

"So," Tony said, clearing everything away. "Why'd you ask me here if you don't like me?"

"I don't not like you," Loki said blandly.

"That wasn't an answer."

"I don't want to ruin the game by answering you."

And that was it. Loki was starting to get obstinate and Lokish again.

"Well, fine," Tony said. Loki was less mulishy dozy and more genuinely tired now, so Tony figured it would be all right to leave him. "Can you behave yourself?"

"I'll behave myself if you go fuck yourself," Loki replied.

"Deal," Tony said, getting up and heading down the bed to tug off Loki's shoes. He wouldn't go so far as to fully undress him. He'd been with Loki for about an hour and a half since Loki had taken the pills, and he didn't seem to be getting worse or seem in any serious condition - the sweat had passed and his confusion and drowsiness didn't seem extreme - so Tony felt okay leaving him. "Night, babe."

He registered Loki mumbling something along the lines of "Night, Tony."

It had been a strange evening.

-O.O-

Tony had just returned from his morning scone-fetching mission when Loki woke up. He had no idea what to expect, but he was _really_ hoping Loki didn't remember anything from last night. Loki hadn't really told him anything majorly private, but no doubt Loki would be pissed off with Tony for taking advantage of him in that state.

True to form, Loki opened the door and slinked towards Tony without a word, the darkest of dark expressions on his face.

Tony was all prepared to stand his ground until he heard a slight hiss leave Loki's throat as the actor didn't slow down while walking towards him. Then Tony decided it mightn't be a bad idea to back away from the kitchen where the knives were.

He tripped over the trash can and sprawled out on his ass.

_Shit shit shit he's gonna murder me-_

Loki loomed over Tony, pure anger painting his face.

"Loki, I'm sorry -" Tony spluttered first.

"Are you happy, Stark?" Loki growled. "Taking advantage of me. I should tear your _skin_ off for that."

"What the hell would you have done, Loki? Here's a prime opportunity for me to actually _help_ you for once and don't goddamn tell me that you wouldn't've have done the same if the situations were flipped!" Tony snapped back.

He started to climb to his feet when Loki's socked foot smacked him in the jaw. Dazed and with the inside of his cheek bloody, he fell back down again.

"You are _not_ to try my hospitality like that again," Loki snarled.

"Oh, do as you say, not as you do, huh?" Tony countered. "I have been dealing with your shit for the last few days; suicide attempts and batshit crazy hallucinations and having a severely fucked-in-the-mind-and-body actor making my life hell! I'm allowed to yank a few answers out of you whether you like it or not!"

"Oh, you are most certainly not," Loki seethed, looming over him and planting a foot on Tony's chest, just next to the arc reactor. The message was clear; _I can and will fuck you up._

 _Classic power play,_ Tony thought. And it was working; Tony really was scared of Loki.

Then it hit him; he'd directly challenged the last constant in Loki's life, which was his unquestioned rule over Tony's actions. Loki's control of people around him was slipping, and Loki wanted everything back to normal, but he wasn't in any kind of mental condition to get there.

"You don't need to fight me, Loki," Tony said, because he could see something cold and dark in Loki's eyes and that promised potential murder. "Come on, man. You don't need to control me."

"I do," Loki breathed, his hands trembling. "Or you'll do something like that again."

"I won't, I promise," Tony said, his voice as soothing as he was capable of. "You ever try just relaxing? No smoke and mirrors, _no bip-bop-bam look at my domination complex_ , just calming your tits for a day and snuggling on the couch?"

"I can't," Loki said quietly.

"Then the communists win?" Tony said sarcastically. "One day. Just one day. Then I'll wear a collar and call you master and anything else you want."

Loki put his weight onto his foot, causing the scarred skin around the arc reactor to stretch and send a few tinges of pain through Tony's chest.

"Please don't kill me," Tony said for good measure.

In a moment, a strange look of realisation passed over Loki's face, and the actor turned tail and walked back into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Tony caught his breath, his jaw aching as he got up and spat blood into the sink. Loki was such a great friend.

-O.O-

Tony didn't see Loki all morning. Leaving him to his own, he eventually settled down on the couch to watch Ghostbusters in the mid-afternoon on the huge TV that didn't look like it had ever been used before.

He was about halfway in when he heard the creak of Loki's door.

Tony stayed sprawled along the length of the couch, but he kept his senses on alert. Loki could still be angry.

Instead, to his surprise, Loki padded quietly past and lay down on the couch with him, his back to Tony's chest. Tony's heart was pounding so hard that Loki could probably feel it.

"Make it worth my while," Loki said, throwing the words out there as though they didn't belong to him.


	14. Tell me that it's real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's really not stable. That's been establised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter got a lot longer than I expected, so there's a possibility of another chapter.
> 
> The usual warnings. I'm willing to assume if you've gotten this far, not a whole lot's going to bother you from here.

Loki just lay there against Tony, calmly watching _Ghostbusters_ without even complaining about the movie.

No one could complain about _Ghostbusters_ anyway, but Tony was still surprised.

Once his arm started to go dead from him lying on it, Tony decided that Loki was probably not going to kill him. He freed his arm, which involved worming it under Loki's chest, then thought fuck it and wrapped his arms around Loki's torso. His ribs were more protuberant than Tony remembered.

Adding to his ever-increasing surprise, Loki didn't say or do anything irritably, just wiggled back into Tony's grip a little.

 _He smells good,_ Tony decided. And he did. It wasn't either overly feminine or masculine; he didn't smell like Axe or shea butter or anything, just something cool and clean and fresh. Loki never really seemed to pretend with his appearance; in his day-to-day life he never used make-up or hair dye or contact lenses or anything. However unconventional he did appear, it was his genuine appearance, and that raw reality of his looks was such a contrast to his nature.

He'd clearly paid no attention to personal grooming on that day, his hair no longer slicked back and in loose, sweet-smelling curls. Despite that, he was still clean-shaven, and Tony wondered if he shaved at all.

He didn't know a lot about Loki, he decided. About his childhood or his everyday life, or any of the littler things. But he was spooning with him on the couch, and that was okay.

They just watched the movie in complete peace, Tony unashamedly nuzzling the back of Loki's head. Loki didn't seem to mind.

"You haven't eaten today," Tony murmured as the credits rolled.

"That's hardly new," Loki said wryly.

"Come have a scone with me. I goddamn love those scones," Tony said.

"Whatever you want," Loki said.

Tony was shocked. Had those words ever left Loki's lips in all seriousness before?

"Well, I want a scone," Tony said, pushing at Loki a little to convince him to get up. It was nice having the warmth against him.

As Loki got properly dressed and they headed to that cafe that Tony was really starting to like, Tony wondered what was going on.

Tony had told Loki to try taking a chill pill and Loki was. But that wasn't Loki; it was making himself far too vulnerable. He just seemed quietly obedient.

Loki had put gloves on again, clearly just a little self-conscious. Trying to counter it, Tony took that numb hand in his, giving it a little squeeze and hoping Loki could feel it.

Evidently, he could, because that hand twitched in his. Loki couldn't do much with his hand, but it had a very small amount of feeling and he could move it just a little.

They went into the cafe and Tony ordered for Loki: a scone, a chocolate muffin and a milkshake. He'd never seen Loki eat anything with any substance before. Loki didn't protest the choice.

"Hey, look," Tony said, snatching a paper from a table. "We're in the paper."

"Mm?" Loki said as he sat down.

"Two pictures: one of you with your hand on my ass," Tony said, sighing internally. "The other one's just you and me sitting together. Nothing too scandalous, and the article basically says you don't look too healthy and we're probably fucking, which we're not."

"More's the pity," Loki said tiredly, picking at his scone and popping a little bit of crust into his mouth.

Tony had received a few texts that morning from various people questioning how he was and what was going on. He'd ignored all of them. He was going to do whatever was necessary to fix Loki; he didn't want any judgement.

Notably, none of those people had been Darcy.

Ever since seeing that photo the previous night, Tony had been pondering how Darcy currently felt about Loki. There was the usual slight pangs of longing for the better man she knew he could be, but unrequited emotions couldn't be all of it. They'd been hanging out a lot during _1984_ and as far as he could tell, apart from Loki's withdrawal and associated oddities, they'd been getting along well.

But Darcy still wanted to escape, and she had.

The obvious answer - that Darcy had just been tolerating their fucked up friendship until she could get away, and she really wouldn't touch Loki with the proverbial ten foot pole - didn't quite seem to fit.

As Tony watched Loki sip his milkshake and finish his scone, which had taken a rather long time, he tried to pick apart their previous interactions.

Darcy had made Loki apologise to Tony - in a roundabout way - just by telling him to.

Darcy wasn't doing what Loki wanted her to anymore; he hadn't been able to make go to England.

_"Not basking in my pleasant company this evening?"_

_"When you're pleasant company, I'll bask in it."_

Then it hit him. Darcy was in charge of their relationship. She hadn't been in the past, but somehow things had changed. And she was taking the executive decision to get away from Loki for her own good, regardless of how much she actually did like him.

 _"I'd consider him a friend, inasmuch as anyone is his friend."_ She'd once told him.

And in that moment, Tony was proud of Darcy.

But he still wished she hadn't abandoned him with a madman.

Loki started picking at his muffin next, in the same slow, steady way that made it look like he was learning how to eat for the first time. Tony couldn't help but wonder what Loki was up to.

"You want pizza tonight?" Tony asked.

"I think I'm stretching myself with this," Loki said, taking another sip of milkshake.

"There's a reason everyone keeps saying you look exhausted, you know, big guy," Tony said. "It's 'cause you do. Have pizza with me."

"I'm not exhausted," Loki said tetchily. "I'm a little...shall we say, unstable."

"At least you're admitting it."

"I can't not admit it. Even by my standards, I am not doing well."

"Actually, you can not admit it. You've actually gained some notoriety as actor, you know," Tony said wryly.

"Oh, have I?" Loki said in mock surprise. "What a shocker."

"Yeah, I was surprised too," Tony said. "Have you been...seeing things today?"

"Yes," Loki said shortly. "A number of other questionable symptoms too. It's none of your business, no matter what you might think."

That kind of closed off future discussions.

-O.O-

When they got back to the apartment, someone had slipped a note under the door.

_Came to visit but you were out - Thor_

"He can't have tried very hard," Loki said dismissively.

That hardly seemed fair, considering Loki didn't even want to see him.

Loki scooped up a book and flopped onto the couch, looking as though he'd been there for hours. Tony picked up one of his physics book and occupied the other end, until Loki shuffled down and used him as a footrest.

It was nice. Domestic. The afternoon wore on and Tony got bored of the book.

"Come play the piano," Tony said, tugging on Loki's foot.

"No," Loki answered.

"Why not?"

"I don't feel musical."

"You look musical," Tony pointed out, trying to think of something to sing. _"It's a nice day for a white wedding,"_ he sang lowly. _"It's a nice day to....start again!_ You'll enjoy it, come on."

Loki scowled at him. "Stop singing, and I might consider it."

"Done and done," Tony said.

Tony was mostly doing this in the hope that Loki would perk up with some cheery music. The first morning they'd been there, he'd been delightedly dancing his fingers on the keys.

Loki did get to his feet and head for the studio, reminding Tony that there was still broken mirror all over the floor and specks of blood that needed cleaning up. Loki didn't pay attention to them as he sat at the piano stool.

"What do you want me to play?" Loki asked.

Tony could tell it was a bluff. Loki was acting like Tony was forcing him, but he did actually want to make music.

 _Think happy songs,_ Tony thought. "You like the Golden Oldies, right? You know any Beach Boys?"

"I can't sing a five part harmony by myself," Loki tutted.

"You've got me, and we can do two parts," Tony said.

"You're tone deaf," Loki told him.

"Thanks."

Loki picked up a melody with his right hand; Tony had a feeling it was supposed to be played on a guitar.

 _"Couple in the next room, bound to win a prize; they've been goin' at it all night long,"_ Loki sang lowly.

"Yeah, that's usually me," Tony snorted.

"Same here," Loki agreed. _"Well I'm tryna get some sleep, but these motel walls are cheap.._.I can't play this song with one hand."

"That's okay-" Tony began.

Loki cut him off by smacking his hand down on the keys; the piano screeched out several discordant notes at once. "I can't do anything with one _fucking_ hand!" He shouted, suddenly furious.

"Hey, it's okay-" Tony tried to say again, his heart pounding in terror.

"How is this okay?" Loki snapped, standing to pace angrily.

"Your hand's already improved in two days, and besides, injuries like yours are treatable if you'd just-" Tony said, feeling like he was missing the point and trying anyway. The places Loki had injured him in the past were starting to tingle, especially his new ones from that morning.

"You think this is about my hand?" Loki snarled, trembling again. He seemed to do that, unconsciously, when he was extremely upset; heading towards manic or delusional, perhaps. The edges of his eyes were starting to rim with red and Tony wondered if he was crying. "With the last few days fresh in your mind, you think this is about my _hand?!_ Of _all_ trivialities?"

Tony pondered Loki, the only sound in the studio the soft _crinch_ of Loki's shoes on the broken mirror.

"I'm not saying you're okay," Tony finally said, trying to stay calm, because Loki wasn't. "That'd be a pretty blatant lie. I'm saying you should calm the fuck down and let me help you."

"You've shown very clearly that you can't help me," Loki said lowly, venomously. "I'm not convinced it's possible, and if it is, you're far too similar to me to be of any use."

"I'm not like you," Tony told Loki as well as himself, because he did want to believe it. "I want to help, but I sure as hell don't empathise with you."

"The only difference," Loki told him roughly, the acid in his voice mixed with something more pitiful, "The only difference between you and I is that you were raised to be a scientist and a society whore and I was raised under the assumption I would become a rapist and a murderer."

Something clicked for Tony. "That's why I'm here, isn't it. And why you've been training my psychobabble skills. You want me to be someone who gets you. You knew you were verging on a meltdown and you brought me here to pick up the pieces, because Darcy ran like hell."

There wasn't a way Loki's silver tongue could twist its way out of that; Tony felt like he'd finally stumbled onto the truth. Loki looked slightly deflated, the redness around his eyes more pronounced.

Loki was messed up in the head. But it wasn't psychopathy, or at least, that wasn't what was causing this. That had nothing to do with mood swings or hallucinations or the incredible lows Loki had managed to hit. Tony didn't know what did.

"You want my help," Tony said unquestioningly.

Loki broke eye contact. That was the only tell Tony needed.

_Shame, embarrassment. He views it as a weakness if he admits it._

In a moment, Tony had crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Loki's shaky chest, squeezing him into a hug that Loki didn't respond to. "You're an asshole," Tony told him, and Loki made a raspy noise that could've been a chuckle.

Tony felt something like a couple of small raindrops hitting his back and decided to not mention it. Loki's pride had taken quite the beating as of late.

"Come have pizza and watch shitty TV with me," Tony said, taking Loki's hands and slowly drawing them towards the door.

Tony couldn't handle him, he knew that, and odds were he couldn't help him much either. But he could keep him calm, and maybe push him towards actually getting someone to help him.

Pizza first. Pizza solved everything.

Loki didn't say a word as Tony sat him down on the couch and ordered pizza. While he was waiting, Tony sat down on the couch and pulled Loki against his side, turning on the TV and switching it to _The Simpsons_. Loki couldn't complain too much if it wasn't acting, right?

Loki didn't make a sound.

The pizza arrived, and Tony coaxed Loki into eating exactly one and a half slices. Then Tony dragged the duvet off his bed and settled them down on the couch, then turned on the original _The Evil Dead,_ because again, the acting wasn't trying to be entirely serious. Loki should be calm and as unirritated as humanely possible.

"You're all right," Tony said wearily, rubbing Loki's side. "What helps? With your head?"

"Distraction," Loki mumbled, the first time he'd spoken for an hour or so.

"Is this helping?" Tony asked.

"Mm," Loki answered, and Tony assumed that was a yes.

Tony lay down a little more, stretching his legs, and Loki snuggled back into him.

Loki didn't say a word, but Tony could feel his heart beating slow and calm and assumed he was doing pretty well.

By the time the evil spirit in the forest had seized Ash, whipping him through the trees, Loki was halfway asleep. It wasn't late, far from it, but evidently melting down twice in a day was hard on a guy. And rightly so.

Tony wasn't feeling so great himself; Loki had kicked him in the head pretty hard earlier.

"Bed?" Tony asked. "You all sleepy, big guy?"

"Mm," Loki said, and again, Tony was fairly willing to assume it was positive.

Tony managed to nudge Loki off the couch again, and the pair of them headed into Loki's bedroom. Tony wasn't actually planning to stay there, but Loki dragged hm into bed with him and didn't really present him the option of leaving without forcibly rejecting Loki.

So he shoved his jeans away - they weren't overly comfortable - and coiled up in Loki's bed with him. Fuck, it was comfortable. Tony wondered what the total tally of people in the bed over the last however many years was.

But it didn't matter. However it had turned out, he was now lying in bed with Loki in a totally platonic way-

-which went out the window when Loki sleepily leaned forward and kissed him.

Tony wasn't sure how to respond, but the kiss only lasted a few seconds before Loki closed his eyes and dozed off.

But Loki had a few issues with the difference between sexual and non-sexual contact, mostly because he relied on the former for everything, so Tony didn't take it as anything but a need for touch.

They didn't have sex, they just...slept together.

 _What game are you playing?_ Tony couldn't help but think. It kind of seemed like Loki had completely given up. This was certainly more passive than Tony had ever expected to see him.

It was scary, at the heart of it, because either Loki had given up, or Loki was worse than ever, and neither option was good.


	15. To mansions cold and grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is miles late, but you can't be any more disappointed in me than I am in myself, so nyah. I'm sorry about this chapter, damnit, but my brain isn't exactly focused on the ol' writing at the moment.
> 
> WARNINGS: Discussion of suicide, family issues, Loki being not mentally stable...the usual.

Tony woke up with a vague feeling of unease and the faint smell of shampoo in his nostrils.

A slight wiggle confirmed it; he was the big spoon to Loki's little, and Loki was still asleep.

He tried to think back on other times he'd woken up with Loki, but he realised there hadn't been any. Loki had always been out of bed before he'd started to stir.

The Loki of six months ago had seemed inhuman and untouchable, what with his extreme self-confidence, his surreal looks, and his apparent lack of any normal functions including sleeping or eating. This Loki was a thirty-two-year-old man with unhealthy habits and mental health issues.

As proof, Loki was sound asleep with bed hair and his toes touching Tony's.

This was Tony's chance to take a moment and make some plans without fear of Loki.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't help Loki, mostly because he did have a knack for working people out but it wasn't any form of psyche training and therefore his abilities were limited. Yes, he could try and calm Loki down and get him to eat and sleep more. But he couldn't force Loki into the hospital.

If one was to inject cold harm reality into the situation, Tony needed to call some form of authority and get Loki involuntarily committed. He was not able to look after himself, or Tony didn't think so, anyway.

But he was honestly too afraid of Loki. Maybe if he teamed up with Thor; the blonde guy seemed caring and sincerely helpful.

He was distracted from his thoughts by a throb from somewhere in the vicinity of his groin. Despite the situation, his body was clearly still willing to recognise that Loki was an attractive guy.

 _Don't stick your dick in crazy._  It was a good rule, and one Tony truly intended to upkeep.

Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen if he stayed where he was, so he gently tried to pull away from Loki.

Loki stirred at the movement, rolling over to look at Tony. He blinked very deliberately.

"Morning, pretty boy," Tony said, still trying to move away. Old Loki would've used his pants situation against him, probably in a physically enjoyable but mentally scarring way. New Loki was very unpredictable, so he didn't know, but Tony didn't really want to find out.

Loki frowned at him. "You should perhaps leave."

"Why?"

"I don't feel comfortable with you this close to me," Loki said cautiously, genuine suspicion in his eyes for seemingly no reason. It couldn't be Tony's arousal; despite what seemed to be slight ESP, Loki wouldn't have been able to tell.

That was odd, but Tony didn't question it, just got out of the bed, retrieved his pants and side-shuffled from the room. The shower called.

-O.O-

When Tony came out of the shower, Loki had surfaced - bed hair included, he looked wilted - and was sitting in the kitchen at the breakfast bar, looking thoughtfully at the sink. He stood up when Tony entered the room. At least he was attentive.

"So," Tony said awkwardly. "How's the headspace?"

"Fine," Loki answered warily.

"We should have breakfast," Tony said, intentionally steamrollering past Loki's odd demeanour. He made his way into the kitchen and went through drawers; Loki hadn't been to the apartment for some time before their current visit and there was nothing fresh, but he did come across tinned peach slices, which would do. "This work for you?"

Loki nodded.

"Yes, your majesty," Tony muttered to himself as he finally found a can opener and filled two bowls, sliding one across the counter to Loki with a spoon.

Loki scooped one into his mouth, chewing slowly and delicately as though searching for traps.

"Okay," Tony said, putting his hands down on the benchtop and mentally preparing himself. "Loki. You don't have to listen to me."

Loki just looked up at him curiously.

"I think you should go back to the hospital. You're not well," Tony said.

"To avoid debate," Loki began slowly. "I think you should never mention that again."

"I can't help you and you know it," Tony said heavily.

Loki ignored him that time, eating his peaches thoughtfully. When he was finished, he said "Did you ever find out the name of the boy in the Iron Man t-shirt?"

Tony wasn't surprised; actually, he'd been expected some mention of the kid ever since he'd reacquainted himself with Loki. After all, the whole mess had catalysed their meeting.

He took a deep breath before answering. He'd just about gotten over his issues regarding the kid. "I never did," he said finally.

"I once spent three days living in my school library after I ran away from home," Loki said candidly.

"...Why?"

"I found out I was adopted," Loki said. "I'd had a trying day and I wanted to know if Frigga cared about me at all."

"She does," Tony said.

"I doubt it," Loki shrugged.

After a few minutes of reading the peach tin, he got to his feet and went to lie down on the couch. "Let's watch something."

-O.O-

They ended up spending all morning watching 70's horror movies - the right balance of camp acting and actual entertainment for Loki, or so it seemed. Evidently his issues upon waking up regarding Tony's closeness had dissolved.

Loki was oddly passive; apart from vanishing twice for a smoke - presumably on the roof - he just lay there, alternating between watching the movies and dozing slightly. Tony really hoped that it was helping.

After  _Sleepaway Camp,_  which was pretty awful, Tony decided to make some kind of effort towards feeding the pair of them again. He didn't want to go out and he couldn't cook, so his options were painfully limited.

As Loki sat at the bench, watching Tony go through drawers, there was a knock on the door.

Loki didn't even move, but his eyes tracked Tony as he made his way to the door.

It was Thor.

Without asking Loki, Tony opened the door and let him in.

"Good afternoon, Mr Stark," Thor said respectfully, before waving a plastic bag in Loki's general direction. "Brother, I brought you some lunch."

"Mm," Loki said after a moment's deliberation. "I'm not hungry."

"He's hungry," Tony said. "Don't look a gift brother in the mouth. Call me Tony, by the way."

"I'm sorry if it's not my place," Thor said, looking between Tony and Loki. "But why are you here with my brother?"

"Support," Tony said, taking the bag of food to find three filled rolls. Score. "I'm a friend. Sometimes."

"Why, Thor, any reputable newspaper could tell you I'm fucking his brains out, or vice versa," Loki said sarcastically. He accepted a roll, unwrapped the plastic and began the systematic picking that characterised his eating.

The room fell silent after that. Conversation was proving awkward to stimulate.

Tony didn't actually know Thor, and vice versa, though they knew the other by reputation - he was Tony Stark, after all, and Thor was an up-and-coming politician.

Once they'd finished eating, they didn't have an excuse for a lack of conversation, so Loki very deliberately went to have a smoke.

"He needs to go to a hospital," Tony said bluntly as soon as Loki was out of earshot.

"How is he?" Thor asked.

"Bad," Tony said. "He's fucked up, basically, and I don't know why. But I'm not the guy to sort him out. I've just been trying to keep him calm because his mood'll change really quick if he's not."

"He's very stubborn," Thor agreed. "Also, I understand what you mean; he once tried to throw me out a window after I broke something that belonged to him. Fortunately, he was only eight at the time and didn't succeed."

"I bet you have a lot of stories," Tony said with a wry smile. "He sounded like a messed-up kid."

"He was. My father didn't help," Thor said heavily. "He always treated Loki like he was a convict in our home."

"Yeah, Loki mentioned," Tony said. "He keeps asking if he was born like this or if he was raised like this. God, I don't know. There's no magic pill or potion or whatever that could make him okay and my psychiatric skills are limited to that."

"I want to help," Thor said. "If there's any way I can..."

"Not at the moment," Tony replied. "But I'm considering forcing Loki into a hospital. Involuntary commitment. He nearly overdosed on painkillers two nights ago, that should be enough."

"That wouldn't go down well," Thor said with a wry chuckle. "Though I can't help but think you're in the right."

It surprised and scared Tony that Thor didn't even seem surprised about Loki and the Vicodin. And that prompted the question "Has he ever been like this before?"

Thor frowned as he thought. "Not to this extent, though he has never been exactly stable."

"What about trying to off himself?"

"He threatened it in the past when in a bad mood, but I do believe he was asking for attention."

Tony could see that. He could also see Loki depressed. He wasn't sure what to think.

"I don't know. Fuck, I don't know. But we're fine here for now. I'll let you know if there's anything you can do," Tony said. He wondered if he was being stupid, turning away assistance from someone who wanted to help. But what could Thor even do?

Thor was about to respond when there was a slamming noise from the studio that made them both fall quiet. Shortly afterwards, Loki re-entered the room.

That settled the question of where he'd been smoking. The roof. Tony wondered if it was safe to let him climb things unsupervised, but hey, Loki was an adult.

"What do you want to do this afternoon?" Tony asked him. "Thor's up for activities, aren't you, Thor?"

"My apologies, but I have work," Thor corrected. "This is my lunch break."

"Thor's not up for activities. You and me, Lady Stardust."

Loki bit his lip in mock-thought; a sassy answer was oncoming. "Sleep, do meth, then fuck half of the young adult population of London."

"We can sleep," Tony deadpanned. "The others might have to wait."

"You're no fun," Loki said in an equally flat voice, slumping onto the couch again.

"You should stay for a bit anyway," Tony told Thor, sitting next to Loki, who immediately reassumed his position of occupying the majority of the couch, including where Tony was. "We're watching  _Friday The 13th_ , part four. The final part, it says, but I think it's lying."

"No, I must go," Thor said, getting to his feet and making sure there was no food on his suit. "Thank you for seeing me, Loki, and thank you for the talk, Tony."

Tony made similar polite noises, but Loki just made an obscene hand gesture over the top of the couch.

"He doesn't mean it," Tony said honestly, because he could see Loki was amused. "See ya."

Thor half-smiled at that before heading for the door. "I'll visit tomorrow."

Then he was gone.

-O.O-

They spent the rest of the day just like that, lying on the couch together watching movies. It got repetitive and Tony was stiff, but Loki was totally calm and frequently napping, so Tony could only see it as a good thing.

Hopefully the increase in sleep would result in an increase in sanity.

Four movies later, it was more pizza, then a slow game of Last Card that they gave up on halfway through because Loki couldn't focus.

Then Loki had a shower, followed by both of them sharing a bed again. It had been a quiet day.


	16. I can fly, I will scream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a beloved fan made this lovely fanart for the first chapter [here](../../1092492). Thank you very much!
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm posting this just after midnight here, so it's Christmas Day. Therefore, this is a gift. Happy holidays, folks.
> 
> Also, I'm 99% sure that's the final number of chapters.

That morning started much like the previous one; Tony woke up, pondered life, then realised he had a wicked case of hard in the pants and shuffled away. The only difference was that Loki didn't wake up.

Once he'd showered, he went looking for Loki, who was sitting on the bathtub in his ensuite, looking at his own reflection in the mirror.

"Taking the Narcissus angle, are we?" Tony asked.

Loki jumped in shock. Evidently he hadn't noticed Tony despite his radar-like ability to notice people. He didn't say anything, just looked at Tony suspiciously.

"Firstly, I think you should shower," Tony said. "Then we'll do whatever you like. Do you shave, by the way, or are you just one of those guys with no facial hair?"

The question had been on the tip of his tongue since they'd been living together.

"You've seen me naked," Loki pointed out slowly.

"Yeah, but honestly, your body hair or lack of it wasn't what I was paying attention to," Tony said.

Loki took Tony's hand and applied the back of it to his own cheek. Perfectly smooth.

That answered that question. Loki was oddly evolved.

"Well, okay. I'm getting scones. You shower," Tony said, leaving Loki to it.

Tony wondered if the barista that always seemed to be there in the morning was entertained by the saga of Tony and Loki. At least he didn't make a smart comment, just handed over the scones and the takeaway cups.

When he got back to the apartment, Loki was lying on the couch reading, his hair poofy and curly from the shower.

For some reason, Loki's natural hair really amused Tony. No wonder he always slicked it back; he looked like Tommy Wiseau sometimes when his hair was loose.

"I hope you like hot chocolate, because I got some and I'm sure as fuck not drinking it," Tony said airily, putting everything on the table.

Sluggishly, Loki made his way to the table and sat down, beginning that careful picking of his food that was starting to become annoying.

"How's your wrist?" Tony asked.

Loki ignored him for a sip of hot chocolate.

Not deterred, Tony reached forward to inspect the dressings. They were sopping wet; Loki hadn't even made an effort to look after them when he'd showered.

"What the hell, Loki? You could least try," Tony said.

"I honestly don't care," Loki replied. It was the second thing he'd said all morning.

"I _do._ We'll patch it up after breakfast."

-O.O-

Despite Loki's best efforts, the wound was healing, and Loki's fingers were more mobile. It didn't take Tony long to clean up.

Tony was wondered if Loki had just snapped. He'd been exhausted and angry over the last few months, then he'd decided it was a good idea to add to that. Then he'd tried to kill himself, shouted himself hoarse a few times, and now was quiet and fairly submissive. It felt too much like giving up to Tony.

He'd scrapped the plan of involuntary commitment. Not only would Loki probably splinter completely if Tony betrayed him, but it seemed unlikely that Loki would offer up his life secrets to a complete stranger if Tony, Thor and Darcy weren't helping much. No one knew Loki better.

No, he was going to keep Loki calm and relatively happy until the actor managed to pick up the pieces of his shattered psyche.  
He asked Loki, and Loki wanted Tony to teach him about the Iron Man suit. So Tony did, assisted by his phone that could access blueprints and had projectors. Loki was so startlingly intelligent, taking in every word Tony said to him.

They went for a walk in the afternoon and eventually ended up buying groceries, but Loki looked unhappy and uncomfortable in the crowd, so he sat outside trying to look normal in case of cameras and petting a St Bernard.

When Tony got back out there, laden with shopping bags, Loki was talking to the owner of the dog. As it turned out, Loki really liked dogs. Tony wouldn't have pegged him as the type.

"Give me a hand here, pretty boy," Tony said.

Loki held out his immobile hand, a mocking look in his eyes.

"You think you're so funny," Tony said. "This stuff's heavy."

Loki smiled and said goodbye to the dog owner, before giving Tony an ambiguous but forceful Look and taking shopping bags from him. "I was enjoying my conversation," he said childishly.

"And I was really enjoying lying on the couch, but we need food."

 _"You_ need food. I hardly need food," Loki accused.

"Yeah, no," Tony said. "Your body's a palace, Lady Stardust, you've gotta give the suitable tribute to it. Or something."

Loki was exploring one of the bags he was carrying. Finding a Kit-Kat, he quickly took the liberty of unwrapping and eating part of it.

"Aren't you going to offer me some, like a good host?" Tony said. He knew he wasn't getting any, but it didn't hurt to try.  
Loki shrugged blandly. "I didn't ask you here."

"Yes. You did."

Pausing for a moment, Loki said "I did."

"What's going on with you?" Tony asked. "You probably don't want to answer, so: better or worse?"

"Better," Loki said quickly.

"Good," Tony said, wondering if he should worry. "What do you want to do tonight?"

Loki chewed his mouthful of wafer and chocolate thoughtfully before he answered. He was acting weird, Tony thought, but it was almost an okay weird.

"I think we should listen to some music," Loki said.

The oddness continued as Loki moved closer to Tony's side and managed to slip his bad hand into Tony's.

Walking down the street carrying groceries and holding hands. Yes. Totally normal.

Tony had once thought that he and Loki would be perfect for each other if Loki was a lot less crazy. Maybe once all this died down, Loki would be better, perhaps thanks to the support abruptly shown by his friends and family. Except Darcy, but admittedly she deserved the freedom.

He squeezed Loki's hand tighter and pulled him against his side, leaning up to brush his nose against Loki's cheek. He could've sworn there was something vaguely resembling a smile in Loki's irisdescent eyes.

However, Loki's smiles almost invariably indicated bad things were on the horizon.

Trying to disregard that feeling, they made their way back to the apartment. Tony was no skilled chef, but he'd picked ingredients that he could actually do something with. As Tony worked on a snack of sorts, Loki went and picked some music.

_Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me..._

"This sounds weird," Tony said, recognising the song.

"It's a cover," Loki replied, humming along. "An interesting piece of history, but I imagine you're not interested."

"Probably wouldn't understand it. I was never into Dylan anyway," Tony said.

Music had an odd effect on Loki; he just seemed to be _into_ it. After a short moment of him humming, he started to sing lowly _"All my senses have been stripped; and my hands can't feel to grip; and my toes too numb to step..."_

Almost subconsciously, a pack of cigarettes appeared from a hidden pocket, and one was in Loki's mouth and lit before Tony could protest.

"Hey, hey," Tony said, reaching out to snatch it from Loki's mouth. "I want to die with fantastic lungs and a shredded liver, if you don't mind."

"I do mind," Loki said. "If you want it, you'll have to retrieve it yourself."

With that, he migrated to the couch, that expectant look on his face that Tony hated.

Tony would not get the cigarette no matter how hard he tried. He knew that. Loki knew it too.

"Fine. What do you want?"

"World domination would be an excellent start," Loki said dully. "For now, I'll settle for your company and _The Sentinel."_

"With the music on?"

"With the music on," Loki replied, stubbing out his cigarette after a long drag.

"It'll probably ruin the effect, but on the other hand, I don't give a shit," Tony said, settling on the couch next to Loki.

-O.O-

That night passed much like the last two, with Tony and Loki watching movies and listening to music until Loki got tired. Then they went to bed together, and much like two nights ago, Loki kissed him before falling asleep.

Waking up was much of a muchness as well. Tony had decided that for as long as it took, he was going to keep up something like a routine; no surprises for Loki. It would probably help.

Admittedly, Tony was getting sick of jerking off in the shower, but even if he did want to get entangled with Loki - and he really didn't - then he wasn't sure if Loki was in a mental state where consent was a thing rightly given.

He hadn't talked to anyone outside of Loki's sphere for some time. He had plenty of texts and voicemails, but Tony had fallen into Loki-world, and Loki-world didn't involve other people. Other people were boring compared to Loki; he was simultaneously companionship and a project to work on.

Tony felt slightly bad about it all, but Loki needed him more.

The morning started with both of them at the cafe having scones. Nice, peaceful. They headed back to the apartment, sat around talking about that one time Loki had blown up a container of magnesium ribbon in chemistry class. The list of Tony's somewhat questionable laboratory activities was enough to keep them in conversation for a while. Loki wasn't listening on full alert, but he was simply enjoying Tony's company, which was weird.

Then they were interrupted by a knock on the door. Loki didn't even move, like he hadn't noticed it, so Tony got up to see who it was.

Thor. Tony cracked the door open and said "Hi. What is it?"

"I would like to talk to my brother," he said lowly.

"Okay, cool, good, copacetic, but I think I should say that I changed my mind about involuntary commitment. If it's about that, just don't."

Thor looked mildly annoyed. "I do not know you, Mr Stark, and I am wary of your presence in my brother's affairs. I would like to talk to him, alone."

Tony knew it was a bad idea. He also knew there was nothing he could do about it. So he let Thor in. Loki shot Tony a questioning look, which was soon replaced with something like paranoia as his eyes shot between them. Tony mouthed an apology, then headed into his bedroom to mind his own business.

He tried to ignore all conversation. That failed quickly, so he tried not to understand too much of it. That also failed at an alarming speed.

Tony couldn't hear everything of what was going on, but he could pick up the gist of it: Thor suggested politely to Loki that he would be better with treatment. Loki refused. It escalated into a debate about whether or not Tony was suitable to look after him. To Tony's surprise, Loki defended him viciously, getting angrier. Then the conversation switched back to whether or not Loki should be in some form of facility.

Thor was sounding furious, too, so Tony finally snapped and left his room.

Loki's senses were on full alert and he whirled to face Tony. "You two-faced cuntwhore," he snarled, cheeks flushed and mania in his eyes. "I knew you would betray me. _I'm not going to a goddamn fucking hospital!"_

Tony kept his distance from Loki, not wanting to get the shit kicked out of him. Knowing Loki wasn't in a reasonable state, he turned to Thor instead. "I told you no. Now you've fucked up."

"It does not seem that your care is improving him," Thor said, livid. "I want my brother well again."

"I'm not your brother," Loki snapped.

"You are my brother in all but blood," Thor said.

"In all but blood and name and nature and affection," Loki said cruelly. "Have you considered the fact that I'm here because I want to be? My actual emotional state means so much less to you that what you perceive to be my thoughts; how touching."

"Do not put words in my mouth," Thor said.

"Stop allowing such pathetic words to be placed there," Loki countered.

"Okay, I'm usually the last guy to play peacemaker, but I'm trying it on for size," Tony cut in. "Thor, your brother doesn't want to go. It won't make him better to be forced to do something. Lokes, Thor's just looking out for you."

"He doesn't have to be such a cunt about it," Loki told Tony in all seriousness, his teeth clenched.

"Woah, stop, you've dropped a few too many C-bombs today," Tony said. "It's his manner. Accept it."

"I only wish to help," Thor said.

"But it's not a help," Tony said. "Come listen to music or watch movies or eat scones with us. That might help. Arguing with him's no use at all."

"Do you braid each other's hair as well?" Thor said irritably. "I will return later. I'm a little too frustrated to reason with you now."

He didn't even give a goodbye, he just slammed the door.

The anger contorting Loki's face slid away like a silk mask and he slumped back down onto the couch, picking up his book.

That was a difference between Old Loki and New Loki. Old Loki would be angry and stay angry. He'd tear Thor as many new assholes as it required. New Loki just wasn't interested in making more waves than necessary, beyond teasing and venting.

"If anyone mentions any form of psychiatric care again, I will not be responsible," Loki mumbled. "Also, if I discover that you are lying and supported Thor's little scheme, I'll tear your teeth out with pliers."

The threat was exaggerated, but he was still fearful. "I definitely didn't. What, don't you trust me?"

Loki shot him a look.

"You've been paranoid as hell recently," Tony said.

"I'm only paranoid because everyone's out to get me," Loki replied, face buried in his book. He didn't want to talk at all.

Tony snuck over to the stereo, CDs scattered around it. There were just over half a dozen; Loki had a large number more in the studio.

He wanted to pick something that he knew. Unfortunately, when that failed, he just used the same album that the cover of _Mr Tambourine Man_ had come from.

"Come on, Lady Stardust," Tony said. "Brighten up. He's gone."

Loki didn't stir, so Tony sat down on the couch next to him and pushed him on the shoulder. "What, nothing? I thought you were like a pinata; the original party animal."

That got a snort out of Loki.

 _"Loki,"_ Tony said, more forcefully.

Loki finally payed attention to him. Tony snatched the book out of his hands, pulled him to his feet, and forced him to sway to the music. "Relax. You're giving me piles just looking at you. Don't worry about him."

"...Fine," Loki said, relaxing a little.

They half-danced, half ambled in the room for a few minutes.

"You can't force me to heal, you know," Loki added.

"I know. I'm trying anyway," Tony said. "You'd better appreciate it. I don't throw away Helpful Tony on street corners."

Loki made a noise that sounded almost like a chuckle.

"I think it's working," Loki told him.

Tony didn't know if he believed him.


	17. Homeward bound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how late this is, I'm not well and it's been a shitty couple of weeks. Thanks for sticking with me through my irregular updates.
> 
> So I hear it's effing cold in America! Hope everyone's okay.
> 
> Look a chapter full of talk.

Loki didn't get any better over the next few days, but Tony considered it a victory, because Loki didn't get any worse.

They settled into an easy routine, designed to give Loki structure: after waking up late, Tony fetched scones for breakfast, then he took Loki through more engineering projects. He started using the time to brainstorm, and Loki occasionally stopped observing to offer his own opinions; the ease with which Loki grasped his work was brilliant. This was followed by lunch, followed by Loki having a nap and Tony trying to relax, followed by quiet activity, followed by dinner, followed by movies and music. Then bed.

Thor hadn't turned up for a few days. Tony was worried that things would get legal or that Odin would somehow pull rank. Other than that, it was peaceful.

Loki was still weirdly passive and out of it. The impression that he'd just broken down and given up hadn't faded. Neither had his tendency to just stare into space. Tony's theory was that he was still seeing things and just didn't want to fuss over him was gaining weight.

He slept a lot, too, and had odd moments of paranoia or panic that faded quickly. Tony wasn't sure what to do except leave him be.

In fact, aside from the quirks of Loki's peculiar behaviour, things were somewhat quiet until three days after they'd last seen Thor.

Tony hadn't talked to anyone except Loki and the cafe owner in that time; he'd neglected to contact anyone from home and he wasn't getting out much. The only person he really wanted to talk to was Darcy and she'd made her feelings clear.

But on this day, he gave in.

His first step was to approach Loki, who was reading a big, fat psychology textbook, and say "Loki, I'm going to call Darcy and talk to her. You don't have to talk to her, and I'm not going to tell her much about you. But I am going to call Darcy. Okay?"

Loki lifted his head and narrowed his eyes before relaxing. "I don't care."

"You kind of do," Tony pointed out. "If you think about it, Darcy's sort of your ex."

"If you're meaning girlfriend, then you're not quite right," Loki said casually. "I was _far_ crueller to her than that."

"And we're going to have a talk about that in a minute," Tony told him, leaving the room so he could make the call in his bedroom.

Darcy answered the phone with a "Darcy Lewis speaking. Who's this?"

"It's Tony. How're you?" Tony began, trying to do the polite thing to put her at ease.

There was a heavy exhale in his ear. "Ian and I got back from Hawaii yesterday. It was fun."

"How is the infamous Ian?" Tony asked.

"Told him a few stories about Loki. He's now pretty sure that Loki's gonna find him and kill him."

"I don't think Loki can move that fast at the moment."

"We can't have a conversation without talking about Tall, Dark and Crazy, can we?" Darcy said resignedly.

"Well, I'm living with him and he's your...thing. Kind of inevitable."

"Then let's not pretend this is a social call, Tony boy," Darcy said wryly. "How is he?"

"Weird as fuck, Darcy. I wanted to ask you if he's ever been like this before."

"Suicidal? Yep. Usually in short bursts, usually right when he's taken too much of something. Or not enough. It's a fine balance," Darcy snorted.

"Haha, drug problems."

"You know it."

"But no, you're way off," Tony said. "Look, he's been hallucinating. He's paranoid, his moods change like a chameleon, he's screamed himself hoarse a few times, but most of the time, he's just quiet. He sits around, he doesn't mind bad music or bad acting, he does what he's told, he sleeps a lot. Like someone's taken all the fight out of him. I like fightless Loki, don't get me wrong, but hey, it's worrying."

By this point he'd gone into his bathroom and closed the door so it was less likely Loki would hear him.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you," Darcy said after a moment's consideration. "He's crazy, man. Don't stick your dick in it, don't even talk to it."

"I want to help him, not push him away."

"Been there, done that. You can't help Loki if he doesn't think he's broken."

"He does think he's broken. That's why he gave up," Tony said. "C'mon, Darcy. Anything that might get him back on track."

"I don't know. Give him something to work for, I guess. That's what I'd say if it wasn't Loki. But it is, so eh."

"You're a lifesaver," Tony said sarcastically.

"Look, just 'cause I've been tethered to that shithead for however many years doesn't mean I know him," Darcy said, her tone still flippant, but with an undertone of anger. "Call a psychiatrist. I'm not sure why you haven't already, but I guess it's your choice."

"Darcy-" Tony began, about to start a monologue about why he didn't think getting Loki professional help would be a good idea - he'd had several days to rationalise this viewpoint - but then he just sighed and gave up. "For what it's worth, I think he's sorry."

"I don't," Darcy said. "See you when you get back."

With that, she hung up.

Tony was running out of ideas. His only option was to keep on like he was keeping on, pending the results of the conversation he was now going to have with Loki.

He left his room to find Loki completely unmoved.

"We're having a talk now," Tony announced.

Loki didn't move.

"I'm serious. Sit up and look at me."

Loki rolled his eyes and sat up. "Yes?"

"Talk time," Tony said, taking a seat next to him. "How do you feel?"

"Like a psychopathic recovering drug addict midway through some kind of breakdown," Loki said bluntly. "Which is fortunate, because that's what I am. You?"

"So you know you're breaking down?"

"It'd be hard not to notice."

"Do you think you're better? How's your hand movement?"

Loki raised his bad hand and flexed his fingers slightly. They moved, which was something, but not much and stiffly. "Improved."

The physical stuff aside, Tony mentally regrouped. "Loki, where are you going from here?"

"Back to LA, presumably."

"Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you. If the tests are right you're even smarter than me," Tony snorted. "Which I don't believe. You've said you don't want to hurt people anymore. So what's your new strategy?"

"I don't have one."

"When are we going home?"

"I don't know."

"Are you even in the slightest control of your life right now?"

"Not even a little bit."

 _"God,"_ Tony groaned, rubbing his forehead. "I want to help, you know that? What would help you?"

"If you left my presence and companionship before I inadvertently fuck you up," Loki replied tiredly.

"You won't."

"It's instinct," Loki said.

"If you want to be a better person then why don't you just try and be better?" Tony said exasperatedly.

"Because that's _hard,"_ Loki snapped, dropping his book on the floor. "Mostly because I actually enjoy hurting people, I just don't enjoy the hatred and alienation that directly follows."

"You're probably in the wrong line of work, then," Tony said wryly.

Loki ignored that last jab and instead sat back on the couch. "Ah, what a pity. Half a year ago we were dissecting your thoughts, ambitions and emotions. The boot is on the other foot."

"That's because half a year ago I was a disillusioned mess, and by being an asshole, you actually helped me. _Not_ that that was your intention."

"It sure wasn't," Loki chuckled.

"Now you're a disillusioned mess, and I'm trying to repay the favour."

"Points for effort, I suppose," Loki said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. The sudden revelation that Tony had just experienced regarding the reversal of their positions was giving him some food for thought.

"I spoke to Frigga. Only briefly," Loki said finally.

"When?" Tony asked in surprise.

"She rang me while I was smoking," Loki said dismissively. "It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that Thor is planning to drag me out of here kicking and screaming. I don't think I have the energy for either, but it is symbolic."

"What're you going to do about it?"

Loki just shrugged. "I don't care."

"You will."

"Maybe they'll drug me up enough that I won't."

"You never lose hope, do you?" Tony sighed.

He was answered by another shrug. "My favourite state of mind is an altered one."

They ended up watching an episode of _Spongebob Squarepants_ before Tony finally said what had been on his mind.

"You lied when you said you were better, didn't you."

"I lied when I said I didn't know when we were going home," Loki said unflinchingly, not even looking at him. "Two days. I've already booked tickets. This is not open for discussion."

 _Shit,_ Tony thought. _He's trying to get away from me._

He wasn't wrong, either. Confronted with someone who believed the best of him, Loki was determined to leave before he had to display it.

Tony couldn't help but notice Loki humming the last few notes of _The Entertainer._


	18. They tell me I can go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left. Onnnnne chapter left.
> 
> Warnings: recreational drug use, possible dub-con in the form of intoxication, poorly written smut.  
> Sounds fun already, doesn't it?

It was around noon the next day while Tony was packing his gear when loud music started playing. Dirty electric guitar, followed by drums coming in.

Surprised by the noise in what had been an eeriely quiet apartment - Loki had been taking a shower - Tony stopped trying to stuff his spare shoes into his overfull bag and ventured outside the room.

Loki was sitting on the bench, smoking and inspecting a glass of lemonade thoughtfully as he hummed to the somewhat deafening electric guitar.

"What the fuck, Loki?" Tony shouted over the music.

Loki slid off the bench and grabbed a glass full of amber liquid before stalking towards Tony.

"Have a drink," he said cheerfully, pressing the glass into Tony's hand, then joining in on the lyrics. _"I've come on a few years from my Hollywood highs; the best of the last, the cleanest star they ever had-"_

Tony accepted the drink worriedly, wondering what was going on. Things became slightly more clear when he realised that Loki was high.

"Loki," Tony snapped, making eye contact with him. The green had mostly been swallowed by his pupils. "I'm going to say it again. What the fuck?"

"It's Bowie," Loki said with a vague gesture at his stereo. "I love Bowie."

"Not the music," Tony said, trying to stay calm. "The cigarettes, loud music and pep pills are more of a worry."

"I'll explain in a minute. Have a drink," Loki insisted.

"What is it?" Tony asked.

"Scotch," Loki said. "I have a large liquor cabinet."

"When were you planning to tell me about it?" Tony said, taking a sip. It was good, but had a slightly odd aftertaste.

"It's not for you," Loki said cheerily. "It's for people I want drunk and semi-incapacitated."

"Well, at least you don't want me drunk and semi-whatevered," Tony said dryly, finishing his drink. "Okay, I've had my drink. Explain. And turn the music down."

"You kids get off my lawn!" Loki said mockingly. Seemingly distracting, he started singing again, much louder. _"Crack, baby, crack; show me you're real!"_

"Loki, come on," Tony said.

"I love Bowie," Loki told him again.

"I know. I just don't know why you're listening to him at this volume and time."

"I've been rather miserable this week," Loki said, fidgeting away from Tony. "And it's not fun at all. I break it down thusly: without my favourite chemicals, I'm miserable, tired and boring. Sobriety is a societal trap designed to make you more boring."

"Doesn't the stuff in the pills have some pretty shit side effects? I'll stick to alcohol and flying metal suits around the place."

"The main chemical in pep pills, the illegal ones - so by definition, the better ones - is BZP," Loki commented. "Which can cause hallucinations, psychosis, et cetra. _Considering_ that I've already been experiencing that, I don't really care."

To Tony's surprise, he was okay with that. He was sick of Loki being sick.

Taking a seat, Loki continued. "I appreciate what you've been doing, I really do. You're trying to fix me. It's _cute_. You're trying so hard. But I'm not you, and I'm not a character in a book or song or movie that can be fixed with the power of love, or lust, or hugs, or whatever the fuck your angle is. So I'm going to go home, make a lot of money, smile at people, and if I'm lucky, I'll be hit by a bus."

"You really are high," Tony said, surprised at the blatant honesty.

"None of that was lies," Loki shrugged. Unable to sit still, he got up again and started pacing, humming again. The song was now something from The Who. "Only bad liars lie often."

"Very philosophical," Tony said.

"Very much so," Loki agreed. "So I'm accepting that my father is a shitty human being, and that I'm undoubtedly going to follow in his footsteps. Thank you for your assistance, but really, there was nothing to fix. I'm at my best."

"I don't believe that," Tony said. "I think that trying to improve is difficult, and you like taking the easy way out of things."

"So?" Loki said.

"You could be amazing. You've got talent spewing from every orifice, horrifying a thought as that is."

"I could be. But I'd be unhappier," Loki countered. "Before you try and convince me otherwise, I'd like to remind you that my life is my business."

"Fine, yeah, whatever," Tony said. He was finding it oddly hard to care. "What about Darcy?"

"What about her? She's a free woman!" Loki said cheerfully. "I don't own her."

"You kind of do," Tony said. "And I mean that in the sense that she's not going to feel much closure unless you at least try to apologise to her."

"Gods, you're boring," Loki sighed. "I expected it to kick in faster than this."

The strange aftertaste on Tony's tongue suddenly made a whole lot more sense.

"Loki," Tony said seriously. "What did you put in my drink?"

Loki started...almost _giggling_. "You look like you're going to crap yourself."

In that moment, Tony decided that he hated High Loki.

"It's just BZP, low dose," Loki said. "I thought we could have some fun without you being a spoilsport."

-O.O-

About five minutes later, Tony didn't give a shit about Loki spiking his drink. In fact, he was having a great time, feeling somewhat euphoric and ridiculously overenergised. He could understand why Loki would rather feel like that all the time instead of moping around.

They'd picked a band that Tony knew - Cream - and sung every song from two of their albums, until Tony's throat was completely raw and Loki had to stop for another smoke. The smell of the cigarettes was bothering Tony significantly less.

Tony hadn't had that much fun for a long time. And it wasn't guilty fun, like drinking or blasting things in the Iron Man suit, or conditional, slightly awkward fun, like playing video games with Clint or seducing some woman at a party. This was screaming lyrics to 60's rock with someone who had no shame.

They followed that up by a trip to a shop a few blocks away so Loki could get some dark chocolate mints. Unfortunately, Tony started looking at the names of the English candy and started laughing so hard he had to go sit outside.

When they made it back to the apartment, Thor had slipped another note under the door. They kept missing each other. Loki, please reconsider your destructive path.

Loki balled the note up and dropped it out the window, a wicked grin on his face.

"Do you understand what I mean about preferring this to being constantly miserable?" Loki asked Tony.

"You had a pretty good point, actually," Tony admitted, flopping down onto the couch, feeling itchy and getting up again.

"I always have good points," Loki said. He fished a My Little Pony pez dispenser out of his blazer and swallowed something from it that probably wasn't pez.

Tony pondered his choices for the afternoon, and made a decision. "I'm gonna regret this, but pass that here."

"Make me," Loki said, leaning on the bench. He poked his tongue out at him.

The next five minutes of chasing each other around the apartment included Loki trying to vault a couch and failing miserably because of his dead hand. He landed hard on the floor, laughing more than Tony had ever seen and popping the last pill from the pez dispenser onto the tip of his tongue.

Tony finally snatched the pez dispenser off him - really, he didn't want the pills enough to fight Loki, but it had been a pretty funny game - only to find it empty.

The pill was still on the tip of Loki's tongue. Tony followed the suggestion and licked it off, swallowing it dry.

This, in their overcharged states of mind, led to a repetition of their usual nightly ritual of a kiss. Only instead of chaste and sleepy, this was pretty full-on.

All of Tony's conviction to not sleep with Loki was being held back by BZP and adrenaline. And it didn't really matter, anyway; Loki didn't consider himself sick. Or something. Really, Tony was just suffering from a distinct lack of inhibitions, and that was what made him push Loki into the floor and kiss him again, opening his lips to the wet heat of Loki's mouth.

Typically, Loki rolled them over so he was on top, then took charge of unzipping Tony's jacket and tugging it off him. Tony was just enjoying getting reacquainted with Loki's lean body, even if he was skinnier and more wirey than he had been.

One of the effects of BZP was that doing things slowly and seductively became about as interesting as watching paint dry. Wall paint, not an artwork, which could possibly be somewhat interesting.

This meant that it took Loki all of half a minute to give up on the boring kissing and groping. He slid down Tony's body, undid his belt and had his pants open in no time flat.

"Loki-" Tony choked out before Loki pulled his boxers out of the way and fixed his lips around the tip of his cock, which neatly ended his train of thought.

He wasn't entirely sure that he wanted this, given the circumstances and his current state of sobriety, but he also didn't want to say no, so he just relaxed and let it happen, however unexpected the whole situation was.

Loki went to town, displaying the incredible skills that Tony had forgotten about. His tongue and lips sent white-hot waves of pleasure through Tony's groin. Then he slid down, his aquiline nose brushing Tony's abdomen.

Loki swallowed, and Tony let out a sudden moan, then snatched at Loki's hair as he pulled off.

"Fuck my mouth," Loki commanded roughly, before returning to his cock.

Tony was surprised at the amount of control he was being given, then realised that Loki had two layers of teeth millimetres from his most sensitive skin, and settled on the conclusion that Loki was always in control. That possibly explained Loki's love of sucking dick, beyond his noticeable oral fixation.

He pushed Loki's head down forcefully, letting out another moan at the feeling of Loki's mouth sliding down his cock.

Tony could feel Loki's lips grinning. He pulled Loki back again, then tightened his fingers in that inky black hair and pulled him down.

 _"God_ , your mouth feels good," Tony gasped. "Kind of really hoping Thor doesn't turn up again right now."

A sharp pinch to his hip told Tony that he wasn't allowed to mention Thor.

In revenge, Tony bucked his hips up suddenly. It was ineffective, mostly because Loki enjoyed it.

He managed to get into a rhythm of moving Loki's head and his hips, the pleasure mounting until eventually he yanked on Loki's hair in warning and came into his mouth. Loki swallowed without hesitating.

"I'm scared of how many people you've done that to," Tony said bluntly.

"You should be," Loki said innocently, tidying Tony's pants back into place. "Pills are great. Most of my orgies have started with pills."

The question made it out of Tony before he could resist. "What did the other ones start with?"

"Alcohol," Loki answered, moving up Tony's body and grinding his cock into Tony's thigh remindingly.

"Seeing as my morals are clear out the window," Tony said as he unzipped Loki's trousers. "What do you want?"

"You don't give good blowjobs," Loki said. "Hand only."

"Bossy," Tony said snippily. "When did I try that? I don't remember that."

"The list of things you don't remember is expansive," Loki jibed right back again. He affected a mockery of Tony's accent and murmured "I love you, _Loki."_

For that, Tony twisted Loki's nipple, hard. Loki just laughed. Masochist.

Determined to get back at Loki, Tony rolled them over again and resisted Loki's efforts to the contrary. Then he sought out Loki's cock and jerked it roughly. He knew his hand wasn't slick enough, but Loki liked it that way.

Evidently Loki had enjoyed having a dick in his throat, because it wasn't long until he was trembling and coming all over Tony's shirt.

Loki took a moment to get his breath back, then sat back and grinned toothily at Tony. "That was fun. Good luck cleaning your shirt."

"Fuck you," Tony said, taking the offending item of clothing off.

"I'd suggest you fuck me," Loki smirked breathlessly. "But I doubt you'll get it up for a while, old man."

"I'm only two years older than you," Tony shot back, but accepted that for the moment he was staying on the hardwood floor, somewhat immobile.

"And yet, I don't have a large, prickly stick up my ass that prevents me from having fun," Loki said, tugging off his shirt.

"Just every dick in California."

"I'm entitled to enjoy sex," Loki sniped. "I'm having a shower. Feel free to join me."

-O.O-

Lying awake in Loki's bed later, Tony said out loud "I fucked up."

Loki rolled over and slapped his hand over Tony's mouth. "Don't be boring."


	19. A nation hides

Tony was expecting to wake up to a lot of things; regret and anger topped the list. What he wasn't expecting was a hangover. But he got one anyway, and therefore didn't get out of bed for some time.

In an odd role reversal, Loki got up before Tony was awake, showered - for the third time in 24 hours - and cooked breakfast. Actually cooked something. Then finished packing his bags around Tony.

It wasn't until Loki said "We need to leave for the airport in due course. Half an hour or so. The traffic is murder, metaphorically - or literally, whichever is more fun - so it's the tube for us or nothing," that he actually got moving.

Tony's unpleasant mixture of headache and mild disorientation fought him at every move, but he'd had worse hangovers, and he made it out of bed, into clean clothes and into the kitchen to eat.

"How are you so perky," Tony said through what was mostly eggs.

"Practice," Loki replied. Perkily. Damn him.

"Are you even a little sorry about yesterday?" Tony couldn't resist asking him.

"What about yesterday needs apologising for?"

"You drugged me."

"I relaxed you. You had fun. No harm, no foul," Loki said airily.

The worst part was that Tony didn't actually have a rebuttal for that. Technically, unless one counted a slightly pissed-off store owner, and perhaps Tony's pride, there had been no harm. Needless to say, Loki counted neither.

Loki was good at doing that - framing what he wanted as what you wanted. It was the basis of his surpreme weaseling powers.

 _Is 'weasel' a verb?_ Tony wondered vaguely. He was still rather dazed.

He then finally came to the realisation that he had very little time to pack his equipment and be ready to go. This led him to cease eating and scramble into his room to finish packing.

The issue with packing was that Tony's clothing had been folded on the way over, thus ensuring that it fitted neatly. This time, he was stuffing clothing in roughly. It wasn't fitting quite as neatly.

If he put his shoes in his laptop bag...

It worked, even if it was annoying.

Tony reflected on how this hangover was different from the norm. He wondered how Loki coped.

He made it with little time to spare. Loki was just humming serenely by the door, mental wellbeing apparently restored. He'd locked everything and closed the windows; in addition to that, the mess of glass and blood in the studio had been cleaned up a few days ago.

It was strange to leave; a lot had gone down in the apartment, and Tony would probably never see it again.

He wanted to hear Loki play something on the piano again. It seemed to make him genuinely happy.

Loki's general light mood cooled into a nice neutral as they commuted to the airport and checked in.

Tony fell asleep on takeoff. He woke up a few hours later to find Loki reading some engineering book attentively.

"You should quit being an actor," Tony mumbled. "Make a better engineer. You'd have more fun, too."

"Acting's what I do," Loki mused. "I lack a lot of other skills; as an actor, I can pretend to have them. It's like being a shapeshifter."

"What? No. You're a prodigy. A polymath, or whatever you call it. Science is second nature to you," Tony said. "And that's from Tony Stark himself. You should be flattered."

"Lying's easier," Loki said lazily.

"I can't make you do anything," Tony concurred.

"Exactly," Loki said.

In the several hours that passed while they idly chatted in circles, Loki showed no signs of fatigue. Tony could remember how Loki used to subsist on four or so hours of sleep a night back in the day, and wondered if Loki was going to return to that.

He wondered what would happen to Darcy. Hopefully she'd have the sense to get away and stay away.

-O.O-

Injuries healed remarkably fast. As such, after around a week, Loki's arm wasn't oozing anymore and the scabs on his hands were peeling off. He could move his fingers, though not fully, and his wrist was completely mobile. He utilised all of these facts to wave as he and Tony left customs.

At first Tony thought that Loki was just waving in general - _here I am, I'm Loki Feison, look at me_ \- but then he realised that he was waving at someone specific.

Darcy. Who seemed outwardly calm, but was crushing the man next to her's hand, who could only be Ian.

"Loki, what the hell?" Tony said quietly. "You said you'd leave her alone."

"No, I didn't. I said she was a free woman," Loki said smoothly.

"Which would mean you'd leave her alone."

"I didn't ask her here. I told her I would be here at this time," Loki said. "I'm telling the truth."

Tony couldn't help but wonder when Loki had called her, but then again, Loki had barely slept the previous night.

Once they'd made their way free of the line, Loki steered them over to Darcy. "Hello, dear."

"Hello, Loki," Darcy said. She was trying for cool, but she failed, mostly because her teeth were clenched a little.

"Darce, can you-" Ian said haltingly, trying to free his crushed hand.

"Shh," Darcy hushed him. "Hey, Tony."

"Hey, Darcy. Why did you-"

"Grown-ups are talking now," Darcy cut him off, clearly only allowing him to speak out of formality.

"I'll admit I'm surprised to see you here," Loki said. "Hello, Ian. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"I wasn't gonna come," Darcy said sternly. "I really wasn't, and then I thought no, I've got to stand up to you for once."

Tony realised that Loki was nearly a foot taller than Darcy, which became particularly evident when she puffed herself up to look tough. That said, he was hoping that this confrontation was Darcy finally getting her own back.

Loki just looked mildly expectant.

 _"Fuck_ you, Loki!" Darcy hissed angrily. "You just _call_ me and expect me to come running just because it's _you_ and you know I don't want to talk to you and-" Then she took a few deep breaths and got herself together. "Loki. I wanted to say to you that you've always been horrible to me, and I hate you. That's it. I could say more, but I'd be wasting words."

Loki remained expressionless. "You truly loathe me with all your heart," he commented dryly.

"Yes," Darcy said. She was trembling slightly.

Ian and Tony were both wondering if they should do something.

"I find that hard to believe," Loki said.

"Don't do your little Sherlock Holmes mindreading bullshit thing right now," Darcy said. "Serious conversation. Why don't you actually try telling the truth for once?"

"I feel as though you're overreacting," Loki said calmly.

"I - I'm _not_ ," Darcy said, getting frustrated and upset. "I'm not, I didn't imagine anything you did. You just _hurt_ people for the fun of it."

"Well, Darcy," Loki said, and then - irritatingly - he leaned forward and murmured something into her ear, too quiet for Tony or Ian to catch it. This was followed by a pregnant pause wherein they looked at each other meaningfully. On pulling back, Loki theatrically looked at his watch. "I have a flight to LA to catch very shortly. If I may excuse myself?"

Firstly, Tony was surprised about Loki's flight, which he hadn't been told about. But more than that, Tony was watching Darcy; her reaction might give a clue as to what Loki had said. She just looked slightly confused and displeased.

"Thank you, Tony," Loki said, kissing him on the cheek. "From the very shallow bottom of my heart. And goodbye, Darcy. I don't doubt I'll see you again."

Loki seemed to be about to wheel his case away, when in a neat piece of drama, he whirled around and lifted Ian off the ground by his throat.

"And so help me, Ian, if you don't look after Darcy I will break your neck and then mail your body parts to your friends and family," Loki snarled. Then he dropped Ian, replaced his composure neatly and walked away humming.

As Tony watched Loki leave, his 'Loki sense' decided to speak up for the first time in a while, and he was certain that he was unlikely to ever see Loki again. Whether that meant that Loki was going to avoid him or move away or finish the job he'd started with that shard of glass, Tony didn't know, but he trusted his gut.

Loki was gone from his life.

Because Tony had gotten too deep, and started to get the complete picture of how Loki worked, and that just wouldn't do. Loki's training of Tony's 'Loki sense' had been useful short-term, but it had put an expiry date on how long Loki would stand to be around him.'

Despite how many times he'd expressed wanting Loki to leave him alone, Tony was somewhat disappointed.

"He's _terrifying,"_ Ian said shakily. Tony noticed his English accent for the first time and wondered where Darcy met him.

"I thought you said he was broken," Darcy said to Tony.

"He was. He was trying really hard to get himself together without pills. But he snapped yesterday, and he spiked my drink, too. He's been back to normal ever since," Tony said.

"I always used to look for the good in Loki," Darcy said. "But he really is just a cracked-up actor."

"He was sorry," Tony said. "Sort of. He wanted to keep away from you, because he knew he'd keep hurting you. But he likes you and he's selfish, so it isn't easy for him."

Tony was on a roll. "All this was because he lost control; of you, first, and the pills, and then he met his father and he didn't even have his own self to rely on anymore, and he's always had his own stupid over-confidence to get him moving. But then he didn't, and-" Tony noticed that Darcy looked more and more upset as he spoke, causing him to stop.

"Don't you _dare_ talk like him. Especially not to me," Darcy snapped, hitting him in the chest and finally storming off, her eyes watery. Ian shuffled after her without a backwards glance.

Tony was stunned enough to not manage to say anything.

-O.O-

When Tony made it to Stark Tower, he got JARVIS to keep his arrival quiet, then headed up to his penthouse in his private elevator. He only relaxed when he sat down on his bed. Everything smelled and looked and sounded familiar; no more crazy. He didn't have to worry about Loki getting up to whatever while he wasn't looking.

He just sat there for a long time, dreading going downstairs. He hadn't talked to anyone for over a week. They didn't even know he was back. Last they'd heard, Loki had tried to kill himself, then Tony had dropped off the radar.

To stall, Tony had a drink, making sure to savour the taste. Then he had a shower. Only then did he open his suitcase, in search of his favourite Black Sabbath shirt and soft jeans.

Right on top of Tony's luggage was something wrapped in paper. Only Loki or an airline employee could've put it there, and Tony was prepared to play the odds.

He unwrapped it to find Loki's pez dispenser, full again, and a note.

_It's all yours, Mr Stark._

Turning it over in his hands and inspecting the bright purple pony head adorning the top, he wondered why Loki had bothered. Drugs were an odd parting gift.

"He's trying to turn me to the dark side," Tony murmured dryly.

 _It's a bit late,_ he added mentally, thinking of how and why Darcy had stormed away from him.

Then he thought about exactly how unpleasant and difficult it was going to be to explain everything to the Avengers downstairs. What had happened, why he'd ignored them, and the whole story of Loki. It would be hard, and they'd ask lots of questions. He couldn't run from it, either.

"Goddamnit," Tony growled, popping one of the pills onto his palm and dry-swallowing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly - did anyone notice that the song Loki was singing at the beginning of last chapter was Cracked Actor? Eh, the lyrics are unclear.
> 
> Secondly - this fic (and maybe the series) is over! It feels weird, and I'm not sure I did any of it justice, but at least I tried. Oh my god did I try. Plus, this was my first proper stab at writing a fic driven by the characters and not the plot.
> 
> Thirdly - I was planning to write a meta for this and it's still on the agenda. At some point.
> 
> Fourth(ly?) - thank you all for reading, and commenting, and existing. You're awesome. Also you put up with erratic updates and the suchlike. Really, well done.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Insert clever Work Title here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092492) by [ToNothirdletter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToNothirdletter/pseuds/ToNothirdletter)




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